[Misunderstood]

I am currently married to man that is twenty years older than me . And all I can think bout is getting a divorce . I don’t feel. Iike he sees me as his equal , I feel he sees me as his child andi always talk to him about this he acts like I have a problem hummmmmmmmmmm that’s what I get for being with an older man. 😡

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know if you have a question! 😀

[Misunderstood]

Yes how do I get respect from him. And get out of the child zone with him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me ask a couple of questions to help give you the best answer! 😀

How does he treat you as a child? Are you acting like a child?

Why do you think he doesn’t treat you with the respect you want? What are some examples of his not treating you with respect, that I can help you with?

Has he always treated you this way? Or is this new behavior?

As for you wanting to be his equal — that will probably never happen with anyone. Everybody brings different assets and deficits to a marriage, and the best you can hope for is a good match where you’re compatible in the areas that matter most, and any incompatibilities are not deal breakers and are small. Is it possible your wanting to be equal to him is really about something else? Like not feeling good enough either in the marriage, at work, in your extended family?

Let me know, and I’ll respond further. 🙂

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[Misunderstood]

Well for the past six years that we have been together before I got pregnant I was taking some brush up computer classes to start a new job. I had a recently found a job around the time I met him but I broke my ankle and I had just started the job so I had to quit. So I was trying start over and found out I was pregnant with my fifth child and it seems since then I have not Ben able to get back on my feet. Aa year after that I got pregnant again and know a year later I am pregnant again. I an not seem to get out of this rut that I am in. In themean time we have had money to get furniture over n over again before I could get furniture I find out that he has spent thee money either on his x wife’s kids or his older kids and his children’s mothers. He says he doesnot want me to work at first I was relieved until I seen how he was doing things all of his prior commitments always seem to before me n my children. And i havenot been able to getmyselftogether so I can for my kids n myself. So I am trying to see if I can work from home so I don’t have to depend on him on him for everything anymore. I feel I always get the bad end of the stick with him. We recently bought a house together with my settlement money and before we bought the house all the money was spent and the majority he spent. I am very frustrated because I am stuck and its taking a lot of time for me to get on my feet so I can for myself n my kids. He does take care of us but I feel he could be doing more if he would put us first and not them. Am I selfish that I hate I share our money so much that he feels that they need things more than we do?

[Misunderstood]

I tired having to compete and loosing the battle every time. How do I get more respect?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for filling me in — just a few more questions:

How old are you?

How long have you been married to this older man?

How old are your five children? Is your husband the father of all five children?

How many children does your husband have and how old are they?

Let me know — and I’ll answer your questions. 🙂

[Misunderstood]

I had four children before I started a relationship with him they are know six, eight, twelve, and thirteen he has he has eight or nine other children two are thirteen and nine. That he still has to take care of the rest of his kids are in there late twenties and thirties. We both have children from previous relationships. I have two by him and pregnant with the third I feel that is the only reason why we are still together because I keep on getting pregnant I was on the pills but when we moved I could not get to the dr. Every month to get my refills because we only had one car working and he would come home late everyday. So I could not get to do any of my running around that needs to be done. By the way his two children by me are three and two. I feel like I made a big mistake when I chose to be with him. I thought he was wonderful until over the years I got to know how he really is. I would have went to Vegas to get on section eight . So he is still committed to his x-wife’s kids he still does for them by time he gets done doing for all of his kids or whomever he still helps I get the short end of the stick every time. I don’t think we will be together to much longer after I have the kids. But now I feel obligated to stay with him because of my little babies. I just did not think this through very well. That’s the story of my life. I needed to talk to someone about this to maybe get some clarity. Help me through my insanity n hatred that I feel for him everyday. I will never trust him again. How do I get some clarity out of this insanity?

[Misunderstood]

I am 35 this year.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay. Thank you for all the extra information — it definitely made things clearer. 🙂

The problem you wrote me about originally, his treating you like a child — doesn’t seem to have any merit. It really doesn’t sound like he IS treating you like a child. It sounds like you have some problems that you need to a) take responsibility for — and I see you’re in the process of doing that and b) accept the consequences and decide what to do next. I can help you by trying to clarify the situation for you and suggest some options. 🙂

First of all, you can’t makes excuses for not using birth control and then getting pregnant. If you don’t take your birth control pills, then don’t have sex or use a condom. If you can’t drive to the doctor to get your pills, sign up for a mail-order prescription service or prioritize keeping them stocked and have some alternative birth control methods on hand just in case! 😉 You’re still young enough to get pregnant again, so make sure you plan your pregnancies. If you continue to have unprotected sex, you’re probably going to have more children.

Second, Because your own six biological children are 2,3, 6, 8, 12 and 13, and the youngest two by your current husband are probably too young for school, your husband wanting you to stay home and take care of the children, instead of going to work is one of several good choices — so I don’t think he’s treating you like a child by suggesting that. Childcare is expensive — and many women find it’s a better financial decision to stay home and raise their children because of this. But it’s only one choice. You’re not a victim! If you can afford child-care, and you and your husband decide together that that’s a good family decision, then you can get a job! So figure out a plan for your ability to stay home and/or produce income.

Third, you should have talked about finances before marriage, if you didn’t, nobody held a gun to your head, and you married a man with 8 or 9 children (I’m having a hard time understanding why you don’t know exactly how many children your husband has…. ), and then had two more with him! That means your husband has 10 or 11 children — that’s a lot by anyone’s standards. His two minor children from another mother, and his two minor children with you are his financial responsibility — and your two children with him, and your 4 children with prior partner/s are your responsibility, or at least shared responsibility. That’s a lot of money you’re both responsible for! Ideally, you should have decided, if only roughly, how to budget for your brood! 😉

But, whether you did or not, it sounds like you’re having communication problems about money, now. That’s very common, 😉 and an issue you can work on with your husband. You can use a computer software budgeting program (many are free) as a starting point. Or you can just have a discussion about how allocate his income, your contribution, and shared responsibility for spending. Avoiding the issue is going to make it worse and it will fester and you’ll start complaining about other things because you don’t want to roll up your sleeves and deal with this.

A divorce is a bad idea, given what you’ve told me, because if your only problem with him is that he treats you like a child — I’m not seeing it. I think you’re projecting your problems onto him because then you don’t have to do the work to deal with the issues at hand. I know you realize you’ve made some mistakes, and that’s great work on your part to say it out loud. But it’s only part of the recovery you have to do. Now, you have to take responsibility for those mistakes. Divorcing your husband doesn’t sound justified, from what you’ve written. Instead, pinpoint what’s really the problem and address it — and that would be more unplanned pregnancies and children; caring for the children you now have between you; mapping out a financial future for the two of you and deciding your part in that financial future. 😀

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[Misunderstood]

O.k thanks that put more clarity to my situation. And from what your saying it is just going to take time for me to get my rationalisations about this marriage.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The amount of time it takes is up to you. 😀 That’s the beauty of this situation — YOU get to control YOUR behavior and you get to decide how much you’re going to consider the situation, how you’re going to process it, and when you’re going to change the way you do things. In a relationship, people are affected by others and others’ actions around them. If you start making changes in your life — and they’re positive changes — other people will fall into line with those changes, like dominos. It may not happen quickly or in an order you’re expecting, but I promise that your behavioral changes won’t happen in a vacuum.

You have a lot on your plate and I wish you good luck! Let me know how things go.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[Ethan Morales]

This woman’s story is heavy, but the main thread is power imbalance. She’s married to a man 20 years older, who holds the financial and emotional control in the relationship. She feels like a child because her independence has been slowly taken not because he talks down to her, but because she’s been boxed into dependence. April Masini’s response leans practical, but maybe too pragmatic she focused on responsibility and logistics instead of emotional reality. What’s missing is an acknowledgement of how trapped and small she feels. When someone loses all control of their own decisions, they’ll always feel like a child, no matter their age.

April’s advice about accountability “take responsibility, plan your pregnancies, manage your money” is true but a little cold. It’s the tough-love version. And to be fair, she’s not wrong; this woman does need to own her choices. But it’s also clear she’s been in survival mode for years. When you’re drowning, it’s hard to think about swimming technique. What she needs first is a path to stability, not guilt. A small, achievable goal like getting part-time remote work would give her both confidence and leverage in the relationship.

I think the core issue is respect and autonomy. Her husband’s behaviour spending her settlement money, prioritising other children, controlling access to resources strips her of both. Respect doesn’t grow in imbalance. If one person always pays, decides, drives, or manages, it becomes a parent-child dynamic by default. The only way out of that is independence financial, emotional, and practical. She’s right to feel frustrated because she’s in a system that keeps her small.

The birth control and pregnancy topic April’s bluntness there was necessary, though harsh. Reality check: having multiple kids in quick succession keeps you trapped longer, especially if the man uses that dependence to stay in control. So yeah, accountability matters here. She’s got to prioritize controlling her body and her income, because those are two of the few things that can shift power in a relationship like this. It’s not about blaming it’s about strategy.

About divorce April suggested staying, but I’d say pause, not stay forever. If she can stabilise her finances, find work-from-home income, and rebuild confidence, then she can decide if divorce is survival or impulse. Leaving now, with that many dependents and no plan, would probably lead her into another cycle of dependency. But staying without progress will crush her emotionally. She needs small wins not escape yet, but motion.

She’s not crazy for feeling hatred and confusion that’s what being powerless feels like. The clarity she’s asking for won’t come from him or from April. It’ll come when she starts making tiny choices that are hers alone again. Even something like saving a bit of cash, setting a personal goal, or asserting boundaries about how money is spent those are steps toward self-respect. Respect doesn’t start with demanding it from him. It starts with proving to herself that she deserves it.

[Tara]

You didn’t marry a partner; you married a man who treats you like a dependent because that’s the dynamic he wanted from day one. Older men who pick much younger women rarely want equals. They want control, admiration, and compliance. And now you’re shocked that he’s acting exactly like the role you stepped into. You tell him you feel infantilised, and he dismisses you because he doesn’t see you as someone whose concerns matter; he sees you as someone who should adapt, not challenge. That’s not a marriage; that’s a hierarchy.

The part you don’t want to face is that staying means accepting a life where your voice stays small, and your needs stay secondary. If you want equality, respect, and actual partnership, you won’t find it in a man who benefits from keeping you beneath him. Stop complaining like you’re trapped. You’re not. You’re just scared to do what you already know you need to do: leave.

[Tara]

A man twenty years older didn’t marry you because he wanted an equal; he wanted someone easier to manage, easier to influence, and easier to dismiss. And that’s exactly how he treats you. When you tell him you feel infantilised, he doesn’t listen because he doesn’t respect you. When you bring up the imbalance, he flips it back on you because it protects the little kingdom he’s built where he’s always right and you’re always “overreacting.”

Stop pretending this can be fixed with one more conversation or one more plea for him to “see you differently.” He sees you exactly how he wants to: beneath him. That’s not an accident. That’s the foundation of the entire relationship.

You’re not confused. You’re just scared to admit you outgrew the role he expected you to play. The truth is brutal and simple: if you stay, you stay small. If you leave, you get your life back. Pick the future you can live with, because he’s not changing, and you’re done pretending you can shrink yourself enough to make this work.

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