[jamese17]

So I have been seeing this guy for about a month now and things are going really well. We get along, do lots of fun things. He has mentioned he told his mom about me and he wants to make dinner reservations at this great restaurant that you have to make reservations for at least a month in advance. He has made me dinner and included my favorite dessert that he remembered from me mentioning it in passing. But I am starting to notice that I am beginning to make the same mistakes I usually do in relationships. First, I do most of the initiating for us to hang out. And I can tell I am starting to do it too much. Its not that he doesnt make plans, I just usually have already done so. How do I sit back and let him make plans? How can I work on mainatining a balance- being confident that even if we aren’t hanging out every night, he is still interested? More importantly how do I get out of my head? I start getting so worried about little things, like the fact he wasn’t very cuddly the other night, that I start to get flustered and overreact and thus make the situation worse than it was. Then, the next day I get so worried about acting stupid, its hard for me not to call or text, but I know that I shouldn’t. I really want to show that I am a strong woman who isn’t needy because thats how I usually am. But for some reason, I lose that when things start to get good. How can I avoid this?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve asked a good question. Many women are used to being leaders and/or caretakers, so it’s often new behavior for them to “sit on their hands” and not volunteer to make arrangements or to even set up a date. So understand that what you are doing is a problem for many women.

Okay, not that you understand that, learn the bigger truth: If you don’t stop doing it, you will sabotage your relationship with this man. Men want to be “the man” in the relationship with their woman. They want to be the one who chases her, and who wins her. If you start making dates and inviting him to do things before he gets the chance to, you’re taking away a vital opportunity from him to feel good about himself as “the man” in the relationship who chases and gets the girl. How can he get you if you’re throwing yourself at him. So, you have to learn to respect your man enough to let him lead — even if it’s not as fast, as often or with the same style that you would employ. Let him be in charge of dating.

What that means is that you have to be “the girl” in the relationship and that means waiting to be asked out. You’re acting neurotic by worrying and obsessing too much about how things went, and how he feels, and if he’s going to do things the way you want them done. This isn’t attractive, and it’s not going to score you winning points with a man, so you have to learn to not act and not react. I know that’s going to be very difficult for you, but I guarantee you that it will be one of [i]the[/i] most valuable life skills you will ever acquire.

Like any practice, not reacting is going to take discipline and you will get many opportunities throughout the day to practice not reacting. If you feel uncomfortable, don’t do or say anything. Just sit in it. It’s okay to have feelings you don’t like. It’s part of life.

Use your nervous energy elsewhere. Work out or do some kind of physical exercise to put that energy to [i]good[/i] use. Have friends you can call up when you feel the need to call him and ask him out. Call your friends instead, and say, “Don’t let me call him. I’m calling you instead, because I’m really uncomfortable.” Talk it through with these friends, so you don’t have to call him. Stay busy with hobbies and other social events so you’re not sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. In fact, turn your phone off. (Gasp!)

Things seem to be going so well with this guy — don’t blow it. If you need some extra help, download my book, Think & Date Like A Man [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] and read it this weekend, so you understand how to date successfully, and actually [i]get[/i] the guy you want. 😎

I hope that helps — please let me know how it goes. 🙂

[Member]

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