[seekingadvice1234]

Hello April,

This is my first time here.

Melissa and I met 6-7 years ago back in college. We were graduate students and I was attracted to her from the beginning. At the time, we would hang out at the university, studying for exams, have beers, etc. I had a full time job at the time, so I never pursued her even though I had a crush on her. For the next several years, we would hang out on and off. Then I moved away because I received a very good job offer, 2-3 hours. At this time, I had strong feelings for her but I never told her or pursue her…this was 2010. I pretty much dropped her off at her house, told her that I am accepting the job and will move far away, she had a little tears and kissed me on the cheek. I have always been very ambitious with my career and educational goals, maybe that is my downfall.

During this time, I was heavily involved with my job sometimes working 70-80 hours a week, finished my 2nd masters degree, etc. However, I would try to contact her once every so often, maybe once every 3-4 months but she never responded. During my weak moments, stressing over school and work, I sent her an email confessing my love for her. She never responded. Then I got involved with 2 relationships, but it didn’t work out. Both relationships ended when one of the woman saw me more as a friend, too nice of a guy, and the other one stopped talking to me. Several years later, they would contact me saying sorry, that I was a nice guy and the guys they dated were “jerks”, and too immature to appreciate a good guy. I wished them well, but I thought it was best not to stay in contact. I’ve always been considered a nice guy, too nice, but never been very successful when it comes to romantic relationships. However, I love the way I am and I always believe that one day the right girl will come. In the meantime, I will keep being myself.

Fast forward, Melissa contacted me out of the blue 2 months ago. I have not heard from her for 4 years! My heart was racing but I was very glad to heard from her again. We talked for hours on the phone, then we hung out. We would go to the beach, have drinks at the bar, etc. Then we began holding hands and cuddling. She then told me that got the email from 3-4 years ago, but did not respond because it was kinda awkward because she had a boyfriend. The last 2 months, we would hang out every weekend, go dancing, take walks on the beach, holding hands and cuddling every where we go, holding hands while I am driving, at the movies, etc. We kissed twice while we were dancing, quick pecks on the lips but I do not think much because we have been drinking. I paid for all “dates”, even though she does offer. She would sleep over at my condo, same bed, cuddling and holding hands as we fall asleep on the weekends. We would go out to buy food to cook. There will be quiet/awkward moments where she would look at me and say, “your so cute” and look away a couple of times. I think she called me “babe” once, so I called her babe right back she told me don’t do that, her ex-bf used to call her that. She would always compliment me that I looked good when we dress up to go out, but she would always look away and say it very quietly.

However, I never initiated to kiss her on the lips yet. I kissed her on the cheek several times. A lot of times when we hang out, we would share personal issues. She would tell me about her best friend’s death and her ex-bf of 3 years where they broke up 6 months ago. Every time we hang out, she would always bring the ex-bf up, even though they do not see each other anymore. We both are old-fashioned when it comes to dating, both are virgins, both 29 years old. She would ask me about my future plans when it comes to marriage and kids. I told her that I am financially ready, have the time now since job is stable and have balanced work/life, and emotionally ready (i think i am). She always tells me that she feels as if she is bothering me for staying over at my place, but I always tell her that I enjoy her company.

I feel that she is emotional unstable at times, so I do not want to take advantage of the situation. I want to take the time, because I want to know for sure that I do love her, not just some passing phrase. However, I am starting to fall for her hard. Do you think she feels the same way? Am I reading it in too much? At the time same time, I feel that maybe I am “too nice” and this can hurt me. April, what is the best thing for me to do at this point?

Thank you.

Chris

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Do you think she feels the same way? [/quote]

I don’t know if she feels the same way, but I think she likes you a lot. Maybe more. But it doesn’t really matter what I think. It matters what she thinks, says and does. 😉

[quote]Am I reading it in too much? [/quote]

I don’t think you’re reading in too much, but I can’t tell what it is you want from her. You’ve been dating for two months, and I’m not sure why you haven’t kissed her if you like her, and I’m sure she’s wondering the same thing. 😕 I’m also uncertain if you’re a virgin because you have a conviction about virginity until marriage, or if you’re a virgin for some other reason. Fill me in!

[quote]At the time same time, I feel that maybe I am “too nice” and this can hurt me. [/quote]

I don’t think you’re being too nice, but I do think you’re probably sending her the message that you’re not attracted to her, or you’re not interested in her for a serious relationship. I’m sure that’s not what you intend, but if you’ve dated a woman for two months and haven’t kissed her, it’s a sign you’re not that into her. 😉 Decide what you from her, and focus on that. Not knowing what you want from a relationship will hurt you in the long run. There will be missed opportunities, time wasted, etc. So focus in on what you do want. 😉

[quote]April, what is the best thing for me to do at this point?[/quote]

Figure out what you want from her — or from any other woman. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[seekingadvice1234]

April,

Thanks for responding so quickly. You helped me question my intentions and really made me think about what I want.

I am seeking someone that I can potentially settle down with, but I do not want to rush and want to do it right. I want to find the right girl and get married if both party is ready. I don’t mean to send the wrong signal by not kissing her after 2 months, but she often tells me that she is not ready for a relationship (she brings it up on her own). She knows that if I do date now, I am seeking for someone that I can potentially settle down with. I guess that is why I am taking things very slowly with Melissa.

I want a relationship with Melissa, but she is emotionally unstable right now. She got out of her first relationship about 6 months ago and her best friend past away. When we have private talks, she would talk about it, cries about it, and hurts her very much (happens once a week when we get together). i do not want to take advantage of the situation, just because she is vulnerable. From my past experience, girls that I get with while they are emotional unstable/distressed, it is not a good idea to rush into relationship because I was a rebound and they would quickly breakup with me when they are feeling good again.

I hope I explained it well enough for you to understand. Please point out or give me opinions of what I need to work on.

Thanks

[AskApril Masini]

It’s great that you know what it is you want in a relationship. That’s half the game, already! 😀 But you have to date effectively so you don’t waste time with someone who’s not compatible with our relationship goals. If, at 29, you want to find someone to love and marry, then you shouldn’t be dating someone you describe as emotionally unstable, and not ready to do what you want to do. It’s an incompatibility. 😉 The problem you may find is that you’re rescuing her from being lonely and upset about her break up. That kind of behavior may seem “nice”, but it’s plunking you right into the friend zone, and it’s wasting your time. If you’re going on dates, holding hands and sleeping in the same bed — with someone you say is emotionally unstable and not ready for a relationship — my advice would be to move on. I think it’s great to really get to know people, and many people rush into things — but my advice would be to play the field. I usually advise people to date each other for about three months and then decide if you want to continue dating. If you do, spend the next three months deciding if you want to be monogamous. I think this time frame might be helpful for you! 🙂

Hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[seekingadvice1234]

April,

Thanks for the previous post. It helped me see things from a different perspective and I am actively changing my ways to improve myself and dating life.

Basically last weekend when I was hanging out with Melissa, we ended up meeting her friends. Towards the end of the night, I decided to go home while she hung out with her friends. She wanted to go to the beach next day, I told her to just call me to see what happens. Up until that point, we have been spending the whole weekend together for 2 months. That was the “shortest” get together.

We did not have much contact since then. I thought about what you said about playing the field. Last night, I went out to dinner (twice) with a woman (Amber) I met through my friends this week. We had a great time, went dancing afterwards. During dinner, Melissa texted me to hang out, but I did not respond to her until the next day. We did not talk much with no plans. Honestly, I do miss Melissa and still think about her a lot. For 2 months, we would see each Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but for the last 2 weeks, only once. On the other hand, it is nice to have that breathing room and to play the field since we are not dating exclusively.

I will keep you posted. Let me know your thoughts.

Thanks

[AskApril Masini]

You’re welcome.

If you have any questions, you’re welcome to post them here. 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[seekingadvice1234]

Hello April,
To make a long story short, I met “Amber” at Starbucks. I left the store but accidentally left my watch on the table. She brought it out to me and that’s how I met her in November. I asked her out to dinner and she accepted. She offered to take my watch to a store to shorten the length of the wristband. We began to see each maybe once a week or two, either for lunch, dinner, and coffee. We would talk a lot about our personal issues, fears, passions in life, we have the same birthdays (random) and she jokingly wants to celebrate it together. I just got out of a relationship around this time and her divorce has been finalized at this time. She was married for 7 years and decided to end the marriage when she said they became more like “roommates” than being in a marriage. I am 31 and she is 36 yrs old.

I started to cook dinner for her at my place. I would buy her small gifts such as a pepper spray that she said she needed, brought her homemade dinner, and pay for all meals on dates. We became intimate, still seeing each other only once or every other week. She would send me random good morning text messages and during holidays. She would give me compliments and say that I am such a gentleman, easy to please, good person, easy to fall for, cleaned, generous, etc. I told her that I began to have strong feelings for her and she said she really likes me as well. I wanted to keep my guards up, but in the end, I chose to be direct and honest with her. Overtime, she became flaky, such as showing up late or not returning calls or text messages for 4-5 days. According to Amber, her ex-husband has been trying to rekindle their relationship but she always say that she lost feelings for him and do not want to become “roommates” again.

She became distant overtime the last few months, so I backed off a bit. We met up in early March, had dinner and sex, but she did not act the same way. She would tell me about her family problems and being stressed out. Her moods went from hot and cold. A week later, she said she is going through rough times financially because she has been sick and family from native country in South America. I gave her $400 and refused when she tried paying back. She texted me during St. Patrick’s day and suggest we meet up, but I was busy. We continued texting each other and she agreed to come over for dinner days later. She offered the days for her to come over for dinner, I agreed, then she texted, “Ok sweetie , I will see you on Friday at 6p”. This gave us the opportunity to see each other before she leaves for vacation to visit family in South America for 10 days. She was a no-call no-show for the date, I waited for her all night at my place. I called twice, left 1 voice message, texted her, no reply. I have not heard from her for a month and I tried calling again and shot her an email (I know, I am acting desperate). We went out maybe a total of 13-15 times in 4 months. I just wonder what I can do now. Did I do something to upset her? If she did not want to see me anymore, how can she just walk away without saying a word?

Thank you for your time April. Any advice or suggestions will be much appreciated

[AskApril Masini]

When someone stands you up, after you’ve been dating for four months, they’re being rude, disrespectful and troubled. Do you really want to date someone who has those three very unattractive qualities? My advice is to move on. Either she’s not interested, or she is interested and she’s disrespectful.

[Sally]

From the outside, it does sound like she feels something for you. Holding hands everywhere, sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, asking about marriage and kids that’s not nothing. At the same time, the constant talk about her ex and the hesitancy with labels or deeper intimacy tells me she’s still emotionally untangling herself. She may like you a lot but not be fully ready yet.

I don’t think you’re imagining things, and I don’t think being “too nice” is the problem. The risk is staying silent out of fear and slowly putting yourself in the friend box again. You don’t need to rush her or pressure her, but you do need honesty. A calm, gentle conversation about how you’re starting to feel and asking where her head is could save you a lot of quiet hurt.

Just don’t keep giving boyfriend-level energy without clarity forever.

[Tara]

You are not a tragic romantic; you are a passive spectator in your own life, and this situation exists because you refuse to act like a man with agency. You’ve spent years orbiting this woman, idealizing her, never taking a risk, never making a move, then acting surprised when she ignores you, dates other men, and resurfaces only when she’s emotionally empty. She didn’t respond to your love confession years ago because she wasn’t interested enough to choose you. That hasn’t magically changed. What’s changed is that she’s lonely, freshly out of a relationship, and using you as a safe emotional cushion while she detoxes from her ex.

Everything you described screams emotional crutch, not romantic commitment. She cuddles, sleeps in your bed, lets you pay, asks about marriage and kids, but shuts down real intimacy, polices language like “babe,” constantly talks about her ex, and keeps things just ambiguous enough to keep you hooked. That’s not shyness. That’s control. She’s taking the benefits of a boyfriend without the risk of choosing you. And you’re enabling it because you’re terrified of rejection and hiding behind the excuse of being “too nice” and “respectful.”

You’re not being noble, you’re being indecisive. You’re not protecting her, you’re protecting yourself from hearing “no.” And yes, being this passive will hurt you, because women don’t respect men who refuse to define reality. If she wanted you, you wouldn’t be confused after two months of weekend sleepovers. Attraction doesn’t whisper, it moves things forward.

[Member]

Posts