[freelynn]

My girlfriend and I met through mutual friends. We fell in love immediately and before we knew it we were living together. We are both teachers, and are very passionate about our work. When we are not working, we like to go out–movies, beach, travel, etc. We have a ton in common and get along amazingly well. I am 28 and she is 29. We had been together for 3 years when I got a phone call that changed everything. My 8 year old niece needed a safe place to live. Her mother, my sister, had abandoned her when she was 3, leaving her in her father’s care. He had badly neglected her and failed to provide her most basic needs. I had known the awful situation she was in for some time, and had done my best to be there for her, but her father had moved her thousands of miles away and so I worried for her constantly. I had been hoping for this call, and was ecstatic when it finally came. My girlfriend also knew my niece’s situation, and was always positive and supportive when I mentioned the possibility of her coming to live with us. So I couldn’t wait to tell her that it was actually going to happen. I believed that she would be happy for me, and that she would be there 100%.

I was stunned at her actual reaction. She was shocked, upset, and reluctant to agree. I was hurt, but I told her that I was going to take my niece, and that if she did not want to be a part of it, she could leave and I wouldn’t hold it against her.

She apologized and stayed. My niece has been with us for nearly 2 years and it is a constant struggle. My girlfriend often treats her as a burden and can be very impatient with her. When we take family trips together, she isolates herself–texting or smoking off to the side–while we partake in activities. She expresses to me how she “wishes it was just us” and makes sexual advances at inappropriate times–like when we are at a hotel and my niece is in the next bed. When I try and discuss these things with her, she does not attempt to make them right. Rather, she states how unhappy she is and suggests that she is a selfish person and wants her life back.

I love my niece, and want to do what is best for her, but I am having a difficult time making the decision to leave my girlfriend. A part of me feels that my girlfriend is just having a difficult time adjusting, but that if she could find a way to accept my niece, we could be the couple that we were before. She teaches and she wants children of her own, so I keep hoping that she will come around. My niece is unaware of our problems and has grown very attached to my girlfriend. I am also reluctant to leave, because I do not want to cause any more instability in my niece’s life. She has already had to let go of two parents. This would be like saying goodbye to another.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[AskApril Masini]

You have a good handle on the problem, and I’d like to suggest that sometimes problems aren’t just problems. They are opportunities to see other parts of people’s character. My advise is not to judge anyone in this scenario, and don’t use the words right or wrong, because they’ll lead you into unnecessary, derivative battle. This is a situation that calls for a look at compatibility and scenarios most often faced by step-parents.

Second marriages have a very high divorce rate — higher than the 50% that is the divorce rate for first marriages. One of the main reasons for this divorce rate is step-children. They create complicated relationships and they bring a myriad of relationships to your primary relationship with your girlfriend, that didn’t exist before, and now, suddenly do. In other words, this is hard work.

Your girlfriend is feeling displaced, and jealous that your relationship with your niece is coming before your relationship with her. This happens when kids are brought into a relationship — many times the new father feels that his wife is more involved with the baby than with him, and he’d be right. She is. Children need to come first in many situations, and without knowing all the specifics of yours, it’s pretty clear that your niece has an uphill road after being abandoned and neglected by her parents. She’s had eight years of dysfunction at best, and I don’t know how long it will take her to acclimate. You probably don’t, either. If you choose this commitment, it’s a life changer. That said, there are life changers in any marriage. You could have a biological child with your girlfriend, and have autism issues, infertility issues, you could have career issues, health issues of your own — just read this forum, and you’ll see some of the challenges relationships face.

Before you decide to end things with your girlfriend, you should try some relationship techniques that might make things better. For instance, it sounds like your girlfriend is feeling displaced and jealous, and my advice would be to make sure you’re giving enough “date time” to the relationship. Date night is important. You can get a babysitter for your niece. Flowers, love letters — all the things that are important to a woman who’s feeling left out of the mix, may help. Frankly, your niece hasn’t seen a healthy, normal relationship and it’s important for her to see a couple that takes care of each other, as well as her, so don’t forget your girlfriend in all this. If I’ve presumed too much, and you’re already doing all that you can and should for your girlfriend, then you have to understand that she may not be up for a step-child. Not everybody is. This is a deal breaker, and if you’re committed to your niece, then this is the moment when you have a heart to heart and express gratitude for the opportunity to learn this about both yourself, and your girlfriend, and move on. There will be women who want to be part of this scenario and some who are even suited to it! You may find that a woman with “matching luggage” (a child of her own) creates a more equivalent, if not easy, dynamic for a relationship with you — or not. Your reluctance to shift your niece around again, is understandable. But dig deep and make sure that if you do take this commitment on, you are really taking it on. As difficult as it may be for her to find new parents again, it will be more difficult, the longer she is with you. Her journey in life is not yours. 😉 Do what works for you, because in the long run, that will be what works for anyone in your life.

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