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I don’t know if this is an appropriate question to ask. . . . Okay. So I’ve been wanting to adopt, but I haven’t found a good agency, so I’ve decided to just have a baby the natural way. The problem with this is, I can’t afford artificial insemination. I didn’t think I would have such a big problem with this, but I am. For some reason, whenever I even THINK about sex with a man, I get nauseous. I am bisexual, but am still highly attracted to guys. I just have found that my sexual appetite has always been lacking, but lately, it’s gotten even worse. I don’t think I’ve converted to full lesbianism because I’m still attracted to men and have an amazing guy in my life that I’m physically and emotionally attracted to. It seems like the problem is the sex, full on. Penetration, foreplay, the sights, the smells, the feels. I’ve never had an orgasm and really don’t even want to. I don’t enjoy being touched, or having sex, but I’ve faked it several times before. I’ve never really enjoyed sex. Any carnal pleasure derived from the sex is gone five minutes after the sex because I feel like nothing more than a trashcan that was used for one purpose and one purpose only. My self-respect drops marginally after sex. I feel horrible after it. But I want a baby. I am willing to do it the natural way, but I can’t seem to overcome the reluctance to actually have sex, with anyone. The thought of having sex with a girl is not nauseating. I don’t think I’ve gone full lesbian because, like I said, I’m still highly attracted to men. I’m not sure if this disgust of sex is because I haven’t had sex in two years, or if it’s because my experiences with it have been extremely humiliating and made me feel used, or if I AM fully lesbian. I find the thought of being a lesbian not bad, but I don’t want to be because I am still attracted to men. I don’t want to stop dating men, but I also don’t want to have sex with them, either. Is this simply a mental thing due to my experiences with sex, and is there some way I can boost my sexual appetites, or at least get over the reluctance of having sex? 😕

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you?

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I’m sorry! I forgot I posted this. After I posted that, a lot of changes happened in my life. I’m 21 years old. Anyway, here’s my new post:

I’m pregnant and my fiance has never once been to one of my doctor appointments, but I’ve been to every one of his. This doctor appointment falls on the day after his appointment and because it’s early in the morning an three hours away, I have to miss his doctor’s appointment. He’s angry and says I can’t be relied upon for anything and says that I don’t care about him or that he’s sick. He says he “can’t” go without me there, so he’ll have to cancel it. I feel upset myself because I’ve NEVER missed one of his appointments, but he’s missed ALL of mine. Am I overreacting, or is he right to be angry? My doctor appointment is a sonogram at nine AM and his is at three PM. He’s missed mine because he can’t stand my family and in order to go, I have to stay with my dad, but he expects me to live with his mom, whom I despise and constantly insults me, three hours away from my hospital, with no transportation, no phone and no way of reaching out to my family. Hospitals where he lives are underpaid, under-educated, and most times misdiagnose people.

[AskApril Masini]

A lot sure HAS happened since you last wrote nine months ago! And I have a few questions that, when answered, will help me advise you better. 😀

Fill me in a little bit. What’s going on with the relationship you have with this guy? How long have you been dating? When did you get engaged? When is the wedding? Are you living together? Any plans to do so? And when is the baby due?

Also, why is he having regular doctor visits (and how old is he?)?

And lastly, why are the two of you so far apart, physically, when you’re pregnant?

It would make a lot more sense to get married, move in together, and either go with each other to the doctor appointments you can go to together, and if you can’t go together, go alone or with a good friend, rather than your dad.

As soon as I hear back from you with this extra information, I’ll give you my best advice. 😉

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I’ve known him since 2006, and in 2010, we found each other online. In the past three years, we’ve been talking and getting closer, and he seemed like an awesome guy. I got with him in March, and at first, it was perfect. Then he started yelling at me for stupid things. Ex: I went outside without telling him, I got yelled at. I got excited over being able to see a (female) friend, I got yelled at. I wanted to go see my (female) friend, I got yelled at. I wanted to go see my family, I got yelled at. I made plans with my familyfriends without asking him first, I got yelled at. I talked to a male friend who’s married, I got yelled at. I put my hair up in a ponytail, I got yelled at. I’m sure you see the pattern. He has punched holes in walls when he gets aggravated, and he gets aggravated a LOT. His mom is disrespectful to me, and my mom is nice to him, yet he is always telling me he is going to punch my mom in the face, while I’m forced to put up with his mother calling me a stream of names and talking about me behind my back–telling people I’m trying to kill her son, calling me a succubus, telling people I worship the Devil. All kinds of things. The thing is, this woman is ignorant enough to say these things to my FRIENDS and FAMILY, and when caught, she swears up and down she didn’t say it, but I know different. When I got pregnant, she told my sister that it would be MY responsibility to financially support her son and my baby, and take care of her son AND my baby while he “rests” because he’s always sick. She has told me that if any money that belongs to me arrives at her house while I’m not there (I was living there for six months, so I changed my address to theirs,) that she saw no reason why she shouldn’t use it. We’ve been dating since March 31, and have been engaged since July 21st. It was a quick thing, but everything felt right. It was shortly after we got engaged that he began yelling at me. The wedding was going to be January 18th, but now I’m not so sure I want to marry him. He’s been sick for about three months now, and we don’t know what’s wrong with him, and every doctor we’ve gone to has said that coughing up blood is “normal” and that his tonsils–which are deteriorating–look “healthy”. (This is why I don’t go to hospitals where he lives.) I came back up to my father’s, where I could get professional, intelligent healthcare by an adequate hospital that has doctors that know what they’re doing. He is twenty. He refuses to come up with me, and continually asks me to switch hospitals, and I won’t do so because I know how bad the hospitals up there are, and the best hospital (which is still crappy) is an hour and a half away. My pregnancy is high-risk, so I need to be close to a hospital that can offer me correct care. He won’t come up with me because he dislikes my family, though I put up with his mother’s constant verbal abuse, and my mom even goes so far as to buy him cigarettes, and bought him a pair of shoes. He refuses to come with me because he hates my family and wants to stay with his mom so he doesn’t feel “obligated” to get a job.

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you for filling me in. That really helps a lot. 🙂

It sounds like you are going to be a single mother, and given everything you’ve told me about this guy and yourself, maybe that’s the best possible situation, after all. 🙁 In March, you were uncertain about your sexuality, and while you wanted a baby, you couldn’t afford the infertility treatments associated with having a baby without a father involved. So, it looks like you chose a father, but he isn’t the best choice you could have made. 😳 Now, the consequences of that choice are playing out.

My advice is that you accept the fact that your 20 year old fiancé is someone who hasn’t been very kind to you for a while, has some violent tendencies, and doesn’t work, lives with his mother, and has an undiagnosed chronic illness. He also doesn’t like your family and you don’t seem to like his. If you try to change these things, you’re going to make yourself crazy, and you’ll fail. I know you’re disappointed because you want things to be different than they are, but you should just go to your doctor appointments by yourself and stop trying to expect him to be someone he’s not. If [i]you[/i] want to accompany him to [i]his[/i] medical appointments out of the goodness of your heart, then you should do so, but not because you expect him to reciprocate. If you don’t want to accompany him, then explain that it’s too much stress for you given your high risk pregnancy, and that since he’s living with his mother, maybe she can take him if he can’t go alone. Don’t focus on his mother’s behavior. Instead, focus on his, since he’s going to be a father of your child whether you live together or marry or break up.

I don’t know where you live or what the laws are like there, but my advice is that you shouldn’t marry someone who isn’t kind to you and punches holes in walls when he’s aggravated. Marriage is not just an expression of love and commitment. It’s a legal agreement. You’re not ready for it on any of those fronts, with this man. Instead, be prepared to share custody of your child with him, so the baby can have both a mother and a father, even if they’re not married parents.

I know that this is going to be advice that disappoints you, but you’re in a situation that doesn’t have a lot of good outcomes. This is the best one.

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