[Nancysanders]

I moved in 3 yrs ago desperate financially after just meeting. Since then I started receiving Widows Benifits to be shared for groceries and remainder for private bills. We learned to communicate effectively 1 year ago. He purchased $50,000 CD in my name in case of his death. I have since then fell in love. He said he loves me. He will not ask me to marry him. For Christmas and birthday I receive birthstone or cross necklaces. Never a heart. He said onetime if we marry it would change our money I receive. I ask SS office in front of him if I could get married now and not loose they said yes. He heard as sitting beside me. Still will not talk about it. I am obviously older and feel like a maid and whore. Should I make plans to leave in 2017?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you moved in with him for financial reasons, and now you’ve fallen in love with him, but he doesn’t want to marry you. In addition to that, you’re kind of angry that he won’t marry you and you feel like a maid and a whore, as a result. You’ve put yourself in a tough situation — but you’re not a victim. You can get out of this if you’d like to. 🙂

First, understand that there are probably financial and legal reasons he doesn’t want to marry you that have nothing to do with your social security benefits — and everything to do with his finances. So, if you don’t want to stay with him unmarried, why not get a job and support yourself? You can do that with him or without him? If you feel like a maid, hire one, so you don’t have to be one. And if you feel that you’re having sex for money, why not have sex for love? That will make you feel better about yourself.

If you don’t want to stay with him, then find roommates to live with. Or talk to your children about moving in with them in exchange for babysitting and maybe paying rent or helping around the house. Once you get creative, you can find solutions to almost any problem. But you have to be open minded and willing to change your own behavior — not just expect others to do so. 😉

[Sally]

That last line you wrote says everything. When you start feeling like you’re there to cook, clean, and keep someone warm at night, something in you already knows this isn’t love the way you need it.

I’m not saying he doesn’t care. Buying that CD in your name, sharing money, living together this long that all shows some level of attachment. But attachment isn’t the same as choosing you. And the marriage thing… if a man truly wants to marry you, he doesn’t dodge the conversation for years. He doesn’t hide behind excuses, especially after hearing straight from Social Security that nothing would change.

You’re not crazy for wanting a real commitment. You’re not asking for the moon. You just want to feel chosen.
If you’re already thinking about leaving, you’re halfway out the door. Give yourself permission to want something gentler than this. You’re not stuck. You just deserve more than waiting forever.

[Tara]

He didn’t take you in out of love, he took you in because you were vulnerable, useful, and cheap. Now you’ve mistaken stability for commitment and scraps for devotion. A $50,000 CD in your name isn’t romance; it’s insurance. It keeps you loyal without his having to give you anything real. And those necklaces? Birthstones and crosses instead of hearts? That’s not an accident, that’s a man signaling comfort, not love. He gives you just enough to keep you in place, never sufficient to elevate your position.
You’re waiting for a proposal from someone who has made it painfully clear he benefits from you staying exactly where you are: in his house, in his routine, in his service. He won’t marry you because marriage gives you legitimacy, rights, and security, and he prefers you dependent, grateful, and powerless. You feel like a maid and a whore because that’s the role he’s allowed you to inhabit, and you accepted it because you were desperate when you walked in the door.

[Member]

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