[Anonymous]

Hi. A few weeks ago my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me. His reasons were that we weren’t connecting and “it’s not you, it’s me”. Well, that evening I didn’t fight for him or tell him that we should try to work it out — I was really in shock and this was so unexpected. I just said nothing, we hugged, and we both cried and said goodbye. Well, about 10 days after that, I woke up and realized that was the biggest mistake of my life! I didn’t fight for him! I love him! I needed to tell him…so, against all logic, I went with my heart. I wrote him a sort email and told him that it was a mistake we broke up, I love him, I am sad he is gone, and I should have fought for us. I did my best writing and made sure not to lay on the sappiness or any guilt, but was clear and honest – to the point. I ended the email saying that I wanted him in my life.

Two days later I got a reply…. This is what it said: “Hi [Rinny] – I just wanted to let you know that I got your email. I am doing some soul searching and want to do what is best for both of us; as you do too. We will keep in touch. Take care”.

Um, so, my question/need is…what is that?? What does his response mean?? Does it mean that he wants to be single right now and he doesn’t want a girlfriend, or does it mean he needs to do some thinking about what he wants and sees for his future..and he’ll let me know if he wants to be with me?!?? I am really confused here. He is a sweet, thoughtful, genuine man that would never hurt a fly. So, I trust that he is doing some soul searching – but I don’t know what that means…………………??

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend is trying to let you down gently, but clearly, he wants the break up he imposed two weeks ago. If he didn’t, he’d be asking you to get back together again. But he’s not. When he broke up with you he was very clear. After getting your letter ten days post break up, he feels badly that you’re hurting and want him back when he doesn’t want you back, so he’s tried to say something to honor his own feelings and remind you that he hopes to be friends one day (that’s what “we’ll keep in touch” means), but that he wants a break up. The soul searching just means he’s thinking about the relationship, what led him to want to break up with you and to do so, and what he wants in his life, now. There’s no hidden meaning.

It’s so easy to ready your hopes and dreams into his words, but you’d be wise to pay attention to his actions. He’s done with the relationship, and he’s given you a gift in the clarity of the break up, itself. Although you want to get back together, he doesn’t, and the best thing you can do right now is heal your wounds, let him alone, and when you’re ready, start dating other men.

I know you’re hurt, and it doesn’t feel like it now, but you deserve to be with someone who’s crazy about you and wants to be your one and only. This guy isn’t it, and you deserve Mr. Right. So remember that you will find someone who loves you with all his heart, but it’s not your ex-boyfriend. It’s someone else who’s out there waiting for you!

[Ethan Morales]

Your ex’s response is exactly what it reads like. There’s no hidden “I’ll think about it and maybe get back to you” message. He’s being polite and trying to soften the blow he’s basically saying, “I made my decision, I care about your feelings, but I’m not coming back.” “Soul searching” in this context is him just processing the breakup for himself, not a sign that he’s reconsidering.

Actions speak louder than words. You wrote him a heartfelt, honest email that was brave and mature. But his action was to maintain distance and keep the breakup intact. That’s the only thing that matters here. No amount of analysis of his words will change the fact that he’s chosen to end it.

It’s natural to read hope into ambiguous language, especially when you love someone. But hope can be a trap. Holding onto “maybe he’ll change his mind” keeps you stuck, prevents healing, and prolongs the emotional pain. You’re not overreacting for wanting clarity you just need to accept the reality: the relationship is over.

Focus on your own healing. That means letting him go mentally, emotionally, and practically. No emails, no waiting for messages, no hoping. Spend time with friends, hobbies, things that make you feel alive, and let the hurt run its course. The goal isn’t to erase the feelings it’s to stop letting them control your life.

The takeaway: he’s done, and that’s a gift in a way. You now know where you stand, which is painful but also freeing. You deserve someone who’s all in, who wants to be with you without reservations. This guy isn’t that person.

It sucks, it really does. But the only path forward is to accept the truth, stop analyzing his words, and start building your life without him. That’s how you get your peace and eventually, someone who will love you fully.

[Serena Vale]

Breakups have a way of leaving you standing in the middle of nowhere, trying to make sense of someone else’s silence. You cared enough to reach out, to say what you felt, that takes courage, even when it hurts.

His message sounds gentle but uncertain. When someone says they’re “doing some soul searching,” it usually means they’re lost in their own thoughts, unsure of what they want, maybe even afraid to make promises they can’t keep. It’s not rejection, but it’s also not commitment. It’s a waiting room.

You’ve done your part, you were honest and open. Now the rest is on him. If his heart is meant to meet yours again, it will. But in the meantime, take that same love and pour it back into yourself. Don’t hold your breath for clarity from someone still trying to find theirs.

[Natalie Noah]

It’s completely natural to feel confused and hold on to hope when someone you love breaks up with you, especially when their words sound gentle and caring. But in this situation, his response is very clear once you step back: he has made a choice to end the relationship. The “soul searching” he mentions isn’t about giving the relationship another chance. it’s about him processing his own feelings, reflecting on why he ended things, and figuring out his next steps in life. The line about “keeping in touch” is a soft way of preserving some civility and connection, but it doesn’t indicate a desire to get back together.

What’s tricky here is separating your hope from reality. Your email was heartfelt and honest, and it shows how much you care but the truth is that actions speak louder than words. He didn’t respond with an invitation to reconcile or talk about trying again. That clarity, though painful, is actually a gift. It allows you to stop waiting for someone who isn’t going to come back and start focusing on your own healing.

The hardest part will be letting yourself grieve the relationship without holding on to “what ifs.” You deserve someone who is fully committed, who doesn’t hesitate or second-guess being with you. Right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself space, take care of your emotions, and when you’re ready, open your heart to the possibility of meeting someone who will love and value you the way you deserve. This is about reclaiming your own happiness and realizing that your worth isn’t tied to whether he comes back or not.

[Tara]

He already ended the relationship, you’re just refusing to accept it because his breakup came wrapped in polite language instead of cruelty. “It’s not you, it’s me” is breakup code for “I’m done, and I’m trying not to look like an asshole.” You didn’t lose him because you didn’t “fight.” You lost him because he didn’t want to stay.

Now you’re clinging to his non-answer like it’s some mystical riddle. It isn’t. That email wasn’t an invitation, a promise, or a hint. It was a soft dismissal. “I’m doing some soul searching” is the adult equivalent of “please stop touching the door I just closed.” And “we’ll keep in touch” is what people say when they want emotional distance without confrontation.

If he wanted you back, you wouldn’t be sitting here translating vague sentences. He’d say it. He’d show it. He’d do something other than send a lukewarm email designed to keep you calm and give himself an escape route.

You’re reading his kindness as hope. It’s not hope, it’s avoidance. He doesn’t want to hurt you, so he’s stalling instead of being direct. But his silence, his decision, and his behavior are already giving you the answer you’re pretending not to hear: he’s gone. He’s moving on. He doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore.

[Sally]

It’s the kind that sounds gentle, but really just means he doesn’t want to shut the door all the way and he doesn’t want to open it either. “Soul searching” is something people say when they don’t know how to tell you they’re not ready, or they’re leaning toward letting go but don’t want to hurt you with the full truth.

If he wanted to come back right now, he would’ve said that. He would’ve matched the clarity you gave him. Instead, he stayed vague.
And I’m not saying he doesn’t care. I’m saying his confusion is its own answer. You can’t build a relationship on someone’s maybe.

For now, don’t wait by the phone. Live your life. If he figures himself out and wants another try, he’ll come back clearly not in riddles.

[Member]

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