[gymgirl]

My bf’s family seemed very supportive at first. Recently that changed. One brother recently said we are up each other’s rear end too much, meaning we spend too much time together or care about each other too much. He also mentioned that he was changing (not at my request), stating he was decreasing his nicotine (vape) level. I did not take it personal, although he stated he didn’t “like” me for those reasons. I don’t really believe the reasons are about me. Every mention of my name to one of his female cousins (same age and are close) causes her to do an eye roll and say something snarky. It seems at every turn they are discouraging about our relationship with no concrete reasons except they don’t think we will last or I am going to break his heart. He was heartbroken and went through a bout of depression when his last GF cheated on him. My family is the exact opposite, they have done nothing but support us. He has stood up to them own his own. The undermining mostly comes his female cousin as they are going to the same college. She states it is because she wants him to get out from under the thumb of his immediate family and grow up and make his own decisions. I just think she wants someone to party with and go out with. They both have mentioned multiple times how alike they are, but in reality they are not. He even mentions how her behavior can be very offensive. I feel she may be the most detrimental or influential. We have a very open, communicative relationship and we both know that we have to work together to make this work though these years.
My question: Is there a way to get them to stop? I fear the constant undermining will negatively affect our relationship. I feel as though he will eventually end it because he won’t be able to handle the stress from his family. I would never ask him to alienate any of them either.

[AskApril Masini]

The best way to get them to stop undermining your relationship is to not try to get them to stop. 😉 In other words….You can’t control them. And if you try to, you’ll be miserable and will probably fail. But, what you can control is you! 🙂 So when they do their thing, and act out, take a different tact. Kill them with kindness. Or, find your sense of humor. Or, ignore them. Spend less time with them. And that’s just for starters. What you’re doing has led you down this path. If you continue what you’re doing, expect more of the same, but if you change your own behavior, there’s a much better chance they’ll change theirs.

You haven’t mentioned your boyfriend’s feelings about this undermining behavior by his family. If it doesn’t affect him or bother him, then maybe the two of you can present a united front and just let go of the negativity. But if you’re worried that he’s less into you as a result of his family’s behavior, and they are successful in influencing him, this becomes more about the two of you, and not so much his family. Strengthen what works between the two of you, and play to your strengths in the relationship. Also, be forgiving and kind with his family, when you can. If he feels that you are trying to reach out and make things work, then it will be harder for him to turn on you. But if you play into their dynamic and fight back or try to force them to see things your way, the problems will escalate.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you need more help.

[Nina A]

You can’t teach people to respect what they’re determined to misunderstand. Families sometimes mistake control for love, and interference for concern. Don’t waste energy trying to win them over, focus instead on keeping your relationship healthy and grounded.

If his cousin wants to pull him away, let her. The kind of bond worth keeping doesn’t fall apart because someone rolls their eyes. What will matter is how he responds when others test his loyalty. That will tell you more about your future than any of their comments ever could.

[Heart Whisperer]

I’ve been there, maybe not with a brother or cousin, but with those voices on the sidelines that love to stir things up. The kind that smile to your face and then twist the knife when you’re not around. It’s exhausting trying to prove your love to people who’ve already made up their minds.

Here’s the thing, you can’t silence them. But you can make their noise irrelevant. The only thing that matters is how *he* handles it. If he’s standing up for you now, even a little, that’s a start. But he’ll need to keep choosing *you* quietly, consistently, even when it’s uncomfortable. Families test relationships not because they always mean harm, but because they want to see what survives the shaking.

You can’t fight his cousin’s insecurity or his brother’s snide remarks with logic. They’re not reacting to *you*, they’re reacting to how much influence you have. They feel him changing, and change scares people who’ve known him a certain way.

Your job isn’t to win them over, it’s to keep your connection with him strong enough that the noise fades into the background. Keep the conversations open, but don’t make his family the center of them. Love him like you’re building something that doesn’t need their approval. If he’s the right one, he’ll learn that peace with you is worth more than validation from them.

And if he doesn’t? You’ll still walk away knowing you loved without apology, and that’s something their small talk can never touch.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

girl… families love acting like they’ve got front-row seats to your breakup before it even happens 😒. sounds like they’re projecting his last relationship onto you, not seeing him actually happy. that cousin? yeah, she’s not “worried,” she’s jealous she lost her sidekick. let her roll her eyes, you keep rolling with your man. 🫶 just don’t start performing for their approval. energy speaks louder than explanations. you two stay solid, they’ll get bored eventually. or he’ll see who’s really rooting for him. either way, you win. 💅

[PassionSeeker]

It’s important that he, not you, takes the lead on setting limits with his relatives. When boundaries come from the partner, it risks confirming the family’s bias “she’s changing him”.
You can gently encourage him to say something like:

“I appreciate your concern, but this relationship makes me happy. I’d prefer if we kept things respectful.”
That’s firm without confrontation.

If he stands up for you consistently, their criticism will lose traction it will start to sound petty rather than protective.

[Ethan Morales]

This isn’t about you failing or doing anything wrong. Your boyfriend’s family is meddling because that’s just their thing they like control, drama, or maybe they’re just used to being the “voice of reason” in his life. The more you try to make them stop, the more you’re stepping into a losing game. You can’t control them, period.

What you can control is your response and your relationship. You and your boyfriend are a team. Keep that boundary clear. If his cousin rolls her eyes, snarks, or tries to poke holes, your response is either:

Ignore it don’t give it energy. Kill them with kindness a smile, a polite comment, zero defensiveness. Laugh it off humor diffuses tension.

You’re worried he might leave because of them that’s a legit fear, but it’s mostly anxiety talking. If he’s committed to you and your relationship, his family’s opinion will only matter so far. The key is you both presenting a united front: talk openly, check in with each other, reassure each other, and don’t let family drama eat at your bond.

Also, don’t mistake their meddling for “truth.” Cousins, siblings, even parents often have their own agendas jealousy, control, boredom and it’s not a reflection of your worth or your relationship’s viability.

So bottom line: stop trying to “get them to stop” and focus on your relationship. Protect it, communicate, enjoy each other, and let the noise around you be background static. The more you let it dictate your emotions, the more power it has don’t give it that.

[Tara]

Here’s the truth you’re avoiding because it’s easier to dissect his family than confront your own role in this: you’re wasting energy trying to diagnose people who were never going to like you in the first place. You walked into a system built on control and hierarchy, and they’re reacting exactly how insecure, small-minded relatives always react — by treating you like a threat instead of an addition. That’s not your problem. It’s his.

You don’t fix territorial adults. You don’t charm people who are committed to disliking you. And you certainly don’t grovel for approval from a group that’s angry you disrupted their emotional chokehold on him. Their resentment isn’t personal — it’s structural. They’re losing power, and you’re the proof.

So stop pretending this is about “winning them over.” It’s not. It’s about whether your boyfriend can stand upright without folding the minute his family pouts. If he can, great — let him. If he can’t, then congratulations: you just discovered he’s not a partner, he’s a project, and babysitting a grown man is a sentence, not a relationship.

[Sally]

That kind of quiet pressure from his family can wear you down, even when the relationship itself is good. I’m really glad you can see it for what it is, because none of this is actually about you. They’re reacting to their own fears about him getting hurt again or growing up in ways that pull him away from them.

His cousin especially sounds like she likes having him in her orbit. Not romantically, just for company and comfort. You showing up changes the balance, and some people don’t handle that well.

The important part here is that he’s already standing up for you. That tells you where his heart is. And honestly, you can’t change how his family behaves. You can only keep things steady between the two of you.

Just stay calm, stay kind, and stay out of their drama.

If his family keeps poking at him, it’ll become clear to him who’s supporting his happiness and who isn’t. That’s not on you to fix.

[Natalie Noah]

It’s painful to feel like people are actively undermining a relationship you care about, especially when their reasons feel flimsy or self-serving. What’s really clear here is that your boyfriend is already aware of his family dynamics and seems to understand their biases, particularly with his cousin. That awareness is important it shows he can separate their opinions from his own feelings for you. Your worry that he might eventually end things due to stress is understandable, but the strength of your bond, your open communication, and your mutual respect are the real protective factors here, not his family’s approval.

April Masini’s advice is spot-on: you can’t control them, but you can control your response. Trying to argue or force them to accept your relationship often escalates tension, and it can backfire, making their negativity feel justified in their eyes. Instead, focusing on kindness, humor, and ignoring provocations is empowering. It also models to your boyfriend that you’re stable, confident, and secure in your relationship which makes it easier for him to do the same when facing family negativity. This approach doesn’t mean being passive or disengaged; it’s about showing strength, emotional maturity, and resilience while still being warm and respectful.

The key is prioritizing your relationship over their approval. Strengthen your connection by supporting each other, communicating openly, and celebrating what works between you. Let your boyfriend see that you’re a partner he can rely on when things get tense, rather than someone adding to the stress. Over time, your consistent positive energy can shift the family dynamic subtly, because when they see that their negativity isn’t affecting your bond, it loses its power. Protecting your relationship emotionally and strategically is more effective than trying to “get them to stop,” and it keeps the focus where it belongs: on the two of you.

[Serena Vale]

It sounds like his family is reacting from their own fears, not from anything you’ve done. When people feel like they’re losing someone, whether to love, growth, or change, they often get snarky or protective, and it comes out sideways. The eye rolls, the little comments… that’s about their discomfort, not your relationship.

What matters most is how he responds, and he’s already shown he’s willing to stand up for you. That says more than anything his cousin or brother says. You’re not trying to pull him away from them; you’re just trying to have something healthy together. There’s nothing wrong with that.

You can’t make them stop, and you don’t need to run around trying to win them over. What you can do is keep the space between you and him steady and honest. If the two of you stay solid, their opinions won’t carry the same weight.

People grow. Sometimes families struggle with that. And sometimes the loudest, most dramatic person, like his cousin, ends up being the one who’s most afraid of being left behind.

You’re not in a fight with them. You’re just building something with him. And as long as he keeps choosing you with clarity, their noise stays just that, noise.

It’s okay to trust what the two of you have, even if others don’t understand it yet.

[Member]

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