[gymgirl]

My bf’s family seemed very supportive at first. Recently that changed. One brother recently said we are up each other’s rear end too much, meaning we spend too much time together or care about each other too much. He also mentioned that he was changing (not at my request), stating he was decreasing his nicotine (vape) level. I did not take it personal, although he stated he didn’t “like” me for those reasons. I don’t really believe the reasons are about me. Every mention of my name to one of his female cousins (same age and are close) causes her to do an eye roll and say something snarky. It seems at every turn they are discouraging about our relationship with no concrete reasons except they don’t think we will last or I am going to break his heart. He was heartbroken and went through a bout of depression when his last GF cheated on him. My family is the exact opposite, they have done nothing but support us. He has stood up to them own his own. The undermining mostly comes his female cousin as they are going to the same college. She states it is because she wants him to get out from under the thumb of his immediate family and grow up and make his own decisions. I just think she wants someone to party with and go out with. They both have mentioned multiple times how alike they are, but in reality they are not. He even mentions how her behavior can be very offensive. I feel she may be the most detrimental or influential. We have a very open, communicative relationship and we both know that we have to work together to make this work though these years.
My question: Is there a way to get them to stop? I fear the constant undermining will negatively affect our relationship. I feel as though he will eventually end it because he won’t be able to handle the stress from his family. I would never ask him to alienate any of them either.

[Ask April Masini]

The best way to get them to stop undermining your relationship is to not try to get them to stop. 😉 In other words….You can’t control them. And if you try to, you’ll be miserable and will probably fail. But, what you can control is you! 🙂 So when they do their thing, and act out, take a different tact. Kill them with kindness. Or, find your sense of humor. Or, ignore them. Spend less time with them. And that’s just for starters. What you’re doing has led you down this path. If you continue what you’re doing, expect more of the same, but if you change your own behavior, there’s a much better chance they’ll change theirs.

You haven’t mentioned your boyfriend’s feelings about this undermining behavior by his family. If it doesn’t affect him or bother him, then maybe the two of you can present a united front and just let go of the negativity. But if you’re worried that he’s less into you as a result of his family’s behavior, and they are successful in influencing him, this becomes more about the two of you, and not so much his family. Strengthen what works between the two of you, and play to your strengths in the relationship. Also, be forgiving and kind with his family, when you can. If he feels that you are trying to reach out and make things work, then it will be harder for him to turn on you. But if you play into their dynamic and fight back or try to force them to see things your way, the problems will escalate.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you need more help.

[Nina A]

You can’t teach people to respect what they’re determined to misunderstand. Families sometimes mistake control for love, and interference for concern. Don’t waste energy trying to win them over, focus instead on keeping your relationship healthy and grounded.

If his cousin wants to pull him away, let her. The kind of bond worth keeping doesn’t fall apart because someone rolls their eyes. What will matter is how he responds when others test his loyalty. That will tell you more about your future than any of their comments ever could.

[Heart Whisperer]

I’ve been there, maybe not with a brother or cousin, but with those voices on the sidelines that love to stir things up. The kind that smile to your face and then twist the knife when you’re not around. It’s exhausting trying to prove your love to people who’ve already made up their minds.

Here’s the thing, you can’t silence them. But you can make their noise irrelevant. The only thing that matters is how *he* handles it. If he’s standing up for you now, even a little, that’s a start. But he’ll need to keep choosing *you* quietly, consistently, even when it’s uncomfortable. Families test relationships not because they always mean harm, but because they want to see what survives the shaking.

You can’t fight his cousin’s insecurity or his brother’s snide remarks with logic. They’re not reacting to *you*, they’re reacting to how much influence you have. They feel him changing, and change scares people who’ve known him a certain way.

Your job isn’t to win them over, it’s to keep your connection with him strong enough that the noise fades into the background. Keep the conversations open, but don’t make his family the center of them. Love him like you’re building something that doesn’t need their approval. If he’s the right one, he’ll learn that peace with you is worth more than validation from them.

And if he doesn’t? You’ll still walk away knowing you loved without apology, and that’s something their small talk can never touch.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

girl… families love acting like they’ve got front-row seats to your breakup before it even happens 😒. sounds like they’re projecting his last relationship onto you, not seeing him actually happy. that cousin? yeah, she’s not “worried,” she’s jealous she lost her sidekick. let her roll her eyes, you keep rolling with your man. 🫶 just don’t start performing for their approval. energy speaks louder than explanations. you two stay solid, they’ll get bored eventually. or he’ll see who’s really rooting for him. either way, you win. 💅

[PassionSeeker]

It’s important that he, not you, takes the lead on setting limits with his relatives. When boundaries come from the partner, it risks confirming the family’s bias “she’s changing him”.
You can gently encourage him to say something like:

“I appreciate your concern, but this relationship makes me happy. I’d prefer if we kept things respectful.”
That’s firm without confrontation.

If he stands up for you consistently, their criticism will lose traction it will start to sound petty rather than protective.

[Ethan Morales]

This isn’t about you failing or doing anything wrong. Your boyfriend’s family is meddling because that’s just their thing they like control, drama, or maybe they’re just used to being the “voice of reason” in his life. The more you try to make them stop, the more you’re stepping into a losing game. You can’t control them, period.

What you can control is your response and your relationship. You and your boyfriend are a team. Keep that boundary clear. If his cousin rolls her eyes, snarks, or tries to poke holes, your response is either:

Ignore it don’t give it energy. Kill them with kindness a smile, a polite comment, zero defensiveness. Laugh it off humor diffuses tension.

You’re worried he might leave because of them that’s a legit fear, but it’s mostly anxiety talking. If he’s committed to you and your relationship, his family’s opinion will only matter so far. The key is you both presenting a united front: talk openly, check in with each other, reassure each other, and don’t let family drama eat at your bond.

Also, don’t mistake their meddling for “truth.” Cousins, siblings, even parents often have their own agendas jealousy, control, boredom and it’s not a reflection of your worth or your relationship’s viability.

So bottom line: stop trying to “get them to stop” and focus on your relationship. Protect it, communicate, enjoy each other, and let the noise around you be background static. The more you let it dictate your emotions, the more power it has don’t give it that.

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