[kuromaki]

My girlfriend is a cabin crew, and I often send her to-and-fro the airport (even in middle night) as much as I could apart from during my work. The drive journey is around 40mins from her house. By public transport, it would take 1hr30+mins.

Now the situation happens when my car is no longer in service, and we also had a decision to not get a new car as I could save up more money for our marriage and house as we have plans to settle down within 1-2years. She has also agreed to take her company free transport (mostly at night). However, when she landed back around 11pm, her response to me was why didn’t I put in the effort to go her house and drive her family car (it’s about 20mins taking the public transport from my place to hers’).

She insists that she would want me to ‘fetch’ her from the airport despite not having a car, but it would take me much more effort to travel down just to wait for her arrival/or accompany her to the airport. I did tell her that if her arrival flight is between 6pm-10pm, I could stay back few hours past my working hours and travel down (around 40mins travel journey from my workplace) to the airport to wait for her. To be fair on her part, it is not always I need to do this, but sometimes her schedule might just happen to arrange those time where she expects me to ‘fetch’ her. When I have the car, I could have the convenience and time to do this, but without a car, it will need a lot more effort to do this. I have changed a lot of my laziness to put in more effort in this relationship, but I felt if I were to give in to this request, I might tired myself in the future if I continue to not have a car. I tried reasoning with her, but she kept insisting this is part of an effort I should be doing, any other reasons not to will just be excuses to her.

Can you please advice me on how I should handle this situation? I would also love to hear your utmost honest opinion if I have my fault in any area. Thank you!

[Ask April Masini]

This is a great opportunity to have a discussion about the relationship and brainstorm creative solutions! 🙂 These seemingly small challenges can actually be helpful to you, as a couple, to build communication, intimacy and problem solving techniques that you can use again and again in the relationship. I think that you have to get across that this is an opportunity for compromise and fluidity and that you have to try different possible solutions. For instance, if you have a working car, and your own work schedule isn’t too demanding, you’d love to pick her up. But that if your car is in the shop for repairs, or if it’s very late at night and you have a big work day tomorrow, you’d appreciate it she could either get a ride from a colleague, take a taxi or use public transportation. Another option is to move closer to her work so the commute isn’t so long, or to have her stay overnight at a colleague’s house — one who lives close to the airport — when she arrives home late at night And still another option is to get a better job or a second job, yourself, so that you can afford a car that is not in the shop so often or a home that is closer to her work. Bottom line here is that this problem requires both of you to be empathetic, creative and willing to try different options to overcome a financial and a commuting issue as well as a decision on who does the driving when. Try to have the discussion when you’re both well rested and relaxed — not when she’s just landed late at night, or is ready to walk out the door. I hope that helps!

[PassionSeeker]

I totally agree with you, April. This is actually a great opportunity to strengthen your relationship by figuring out solutions together. I get why she wants you to pick her up it’s a gesture that makes her feel cared for, especially after a long day. But at the same time, you have a bigger goal in mind saving for your future together, which is really important.

The key here is communication. When things are calm, explain to her how much you’d love to pick her up when you can, but without the car, it’s not always realistic. Maybe suggest other options, like public transport, a colleague helping, or even staying close to the airport when it’s really late.

You’re not avoiding effort, you’re just balancing the present with your future plans. Relationships are about finding compromises and being creative with solutions. It’s not about giving in to everything, but understanding each other’s needs and working as a team.

This is a chance to show each other that you’re in it together, no matter what challenges come your way.

[KeishaMartin]

I think April’s advice here hits a really important truth this isn’t just about driving. It’s about expectations, effort, and emotional currency in the relationship. The car, the rides, the time they’re all symbols of care, but when one person’s definition of “effort” becomes the standard, the balance starts to crack.
She’s not wrong to want effort but her definition is too narrow. Your girlfriend equates “effort” with physical sacrifice showing up late at night, traveling long distances. That’s one kind of effort, but not the only kind. Emotional consistency, planning ahead, communicating clearly those count too. You’re showing effort by saving for your future together and thinking long-term. That’s real love, not laziness.
You’re not wrong either but you need to express the why, not just the what. When you explain you can’t make it because of time or logistics, it can sound like you’re making excuses even when you’re not. Instead, frame it emotionally: “I want to pick you up every time because I love seeing you, but I’m stretched thin right now. I’m trying to save for our life together that’s my effort. Can we find a way to make this fair to both of us?”
That kind of message hits differently because it connects reasoning with affection.
The core issue isn’t the car it’s how you two manage unmet needs. Relationships hit these crossroads when love meets logistics. She’s asking for reassurance through action; you’re asking for understanding through patience. If both of you cling to your own “proof of love,” resentment builds. But if you see it as teamwork “How can we make this easier on both of us?” it becomes a bonding moment, not a power struggle.
Compromise ideas that still feel caring:
Meet her halfway (literally): take public transport to her area once in a while when the schedule allows, just to surprise her.

Schedule video calls or voice notes right after her landings emotional pickup instead of physical.

Set boundaries gently: “If it’s a late flight and I have work, I’ll send a ride instead but I’ll make sure to check on you once you’re home.”

No, you’re not in the wrong here. You’re being practical, not careless.
But you’ll need to help her see that “effort” doesn’t only mean wearing yourself out it means showing up consistently, lovingly, and sustainably. If she can meet you halfway on that definition, your relationship won’t just survive this it’ll grow stronger.

Want me to help you write the kind of message or conversation opener that would calm her down and actually make her see your point without making her defensive?

[Author]

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