[Dee]

Hi, my situation may be less complicated than I think it is but I could really use some advise. I have been seeing the guy for a year and I half now. When we first met it was really good; we were both really happy. We spent time together often. He introduced me to some of his family and a few friends even though I have not introduced him to any of my family. We fell in love fast and hard. We talked about everything and this is when I found out he has never been in a relationship before. I was completely floored and just could not understand. However, I made no judgments. One night we got into a really bad argument and didn’t speak for a week. Since then it had been extremely hard to get back where we were. We don’t spend that much time together anymore but when we do we cuddle a lot. He tells me he loves me and he missed me everyday and he has told me that I am his forever love and we belong together. He is so scared of being hurt that when he feels like he is getting too close he starts to fall back. He doesn’t know what to do in a relationship because he has never been in one. The love I have for him is so overwhelming but I’m I setting myself up? Its hard to move on knowing the love we have for each other. Is this worth it? Should I just be patient and wait?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you mentioned in your pre-posting questionnaire that you are 40 and he’s 38, it’s important to note that someone who’s never had a relationship before age 40 is working with a different set of experiences than those of us who have had a few by that age. There are lots of good reasons why people don’t engage in relationships — for instance if they’re focused on a career, they are raising a child, or they want to be financially stable before dating to commit. But if the reason for not being in a relationship is something else — like fear of failure or fear of being hurt, you may be with someone who is not willing to be in a relationship and make a long-term commitment the way you’d like. It’s your job to figure that out. 😉 That’s what the dating process is for — to learn about the person you’ve chosen to spend time with and decide if you have the same goals, are compatible and want to make it work.

You don’t mention what the fight that triggered the cool down in the relationship was about. If it was about a deal breaker for him, he may be backing off. Or if he saw a side of you that scared him, that may be why he’s backing off. I also don’t know how long the two of you have been cooled down since the argument. If it’s been a short amount of time, you may need to heal and you’ll be fine. But if it’s months, you may be in the midst of a tacit breakup without realizing it.

In general, if you’ve been dating for a year or more, and you both have marriage or a long-term commitment as a goal, you should be able to achieve that goal. If you can’t, then it’s time to reassess the relationship you’re in. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Sally]

He loves you, but he doesn’t know how to stay close. Pulling back when things get real isn’t something patience alone fixes. It’s a pattern. And you’ve already been waiting, adjusting, hoping he’ll feel safer over time. Meanwhile, you’re slowly shrinking your needs.
Love shouldn’t feel like holding your breath, wondering when he’ll disappear again. Missing you, saying forever, cuddling those are nice, but they’re not the same as showing up consistently.
You’re not wrong for loving him. But you also wouldn’t be wrong to ask yourself how long you can live in this in-between space. Sometimes love is real, but it still isn’t enough to build a steady life on.

[Tara]

You’re not in a relationship, you’re in an emotional waiting room with a man who uses fear as an excuse to give you crumbs while keeping you emotionally hooked.
His “I love you,” “you’re my forever,” and “we belong together” speeches mean nothing because his behavior doesn’t match them. Love that retreats, withholds time, avoids progression, and resurfaces only for cuddling is not love; it’s comfort-seeking. He wants the benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of commitment, and you’re letting him have it.

Stop romanticizing his inexperience. Being “new to relationships” at his age isn’t a cute backstory it’s a warning label. And his fear of being hurt isn’t something you’re supposed to patiently heal. That’s his job. Right now, he’s using it to justify emotional inconsistency while you carry the weight of the relationship alone.

You’re asking if you’re setting yourself up, yes, you are. You’re waiting for potential, not reality. You’re clinging to who he was at the beginning instead of who he’s been for over a year now. That argument didn’t “change things,” it exposed them. When pressure hit, he pulled away and never fully came back. That’s not temporary; that’s his pattern.

[Member]

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