[elfuego]

I need some help with these mind games. This girl I met through work 6 months ago was pretty cute but had a boyfriend at the time. We hanged out a couple times, but I didn’t really make a move because I knew she was in a relationship. She no longer works there, but I found out that she got dumped a while back and through mutual friends relayed the messaged if she was interested in going out with me sometime. The friend said she was. So I started texting with her back and forth with some witty banter. Asked if she wanted out to go out for drinks this past weekend and she said she loved to. So I called her a couple days later before the weekend and she invited me out with her friends on Friday, but said “I might be able to make it, but if I can’t lets meet up on Saturday like we planned”, she said thats fine. I was trying to play the cool approach and not jump at the chance to see here again. So I called her Friday to see where she was going, but went to voicemail, didn’t leave a message. She didn’t call back, so i thought it was no big deal. I texted her on Saturday evening saying “My friends and I are going out around 10, what time do you want to meet up?”, she never replied back totally leaving me in the dark. So my question is, when and how (call/text) do I contact her again and what do I say? If she was interested and wanted to go out for drinks, why not reply back to me at all when she could have said no to begin with in the first place.

[The_Jester]

There’s a multitude of reasons why she may be doing that.

Perhaps she wants nothing but a friendship right now. Maybe she’s being cautious and wants to meet in a social group first.

The more important thing is you stop guessing why and just adjust your behavior. She will come around if she’s interested. Don’t over-do the communication. Give it a week, deal with other priorities, occupy yourself. Then text or call and make sure you’ve made your interest known.

She’ll give you her reply. If she rejects you, so what. Billions of other women exist.

[someoneinaustx]

I tend to employ the “look, let’s not play games” method. If I were you, I would say (even via voicemail, if necessary) “We seem to be having a little trouble connecting. That’s a shame, because I was really looking forward to spending some time with you. I am all for going out with friends, but let’s sneak out first with just you and I, then we can meet up with them later in the evening.”.

Stop playing games and stop trying to be cool about it. You can be excited and eager without giving off the impression that you are ready to pick out your China pattern with her. I don’t do passive-aggressive or games very well, and they have no place in relationships (friendship or otherwise).

Put your thoughts out there and be a man and deal with the consequences. Things may happen the way you want, or they may not, but at least you will quickly learn exactly where you stand. If it’s not what you want, then just move on. Life isn’t a Hollywood movie where one day she will wake up and realize that the man she has been ignoring is the perfect man for her. She either feels it now or she doesn’t, so you need to quickly learn which it is.

Good luck!

[kai]

I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

This is not in the forum where April answers readers questions.

If you want to get a response from April please repost your question in the proper forum which is the Q & A Advice Forum.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Natalie Noah]

There’s a lot of ambiguity caused by her lack of clear communication. She initially showed interest, but her actions missing your calls, not responding to your text signal that she might be unsure, distracted, or not fully invested. When someone leaves you in the dark like this, it’s not necessarily about you personally; it often reflects her own hesitation or life circumstances. The tricky part is that uncertainty can make you overanalyze and play mental games with yourself, which only heightens frustration and confusion.

The healthiest approach is to step back and give her space while keeping your own dignity intact. Reach out once, clearly and confidently, without pressuring her simply express your interest and ask if she’s available to meet. After that, let her response (or lack thereof) guide your next steps. If she’s genuinely interested, she’ll engage; if not, you’ll save yourself time and energy by moving on. Overthinking or sending repeated messages will only reinforce a pattern of inconsistency and uncertainty, which isn’t fair to you.

[Member]

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