[Istria]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 months. On Friday night, we had a fight which ended in him saying that he needed time to think about whether our relationship is right for him. He asked me not to contact him and that he’d contact me. I didn’t contact him at all on Saturday, but we ended up at the same small get-together on Saturday night. He was friendly towards me, but I wasn’t particularly friendly towards him because I felt that he was very unfair to me during the fight (he accused me of making up that my apartment had been broken into that night in order to get him to come over … totally ridiculous).

However, what I’m confused about is that my friend told me that he ran into my boyfriend during the day on Saturday. My friend asked my boyfriend how things were going with me (my friend didn’t know we had had a fight, and was just making conversation). Apparently, my boyfriend told my friend that he really likes me, that he didn’t think he’d find anyone before he met me but that he’s happy he’s with me, and that if things go well he’d like to marry me. My boyfriend would have no incentive to mislead my friend, and my friend said that my boyfriend brought up the marriage stuff totally on his own (all my friend asked was, “how are things going with you and your gf?”).

Then today he did another really confusing thing! So last week, we started going to salsa dancing lessons together. I assumed we weren’t going this week, since we’re not talking, but I texted him just to be sure. I said, “I’m sorry but I just wanted to check to see if we’re still doing salsa this week.” He texted back, “Hi (my nickname)! If you do salsa for yourself, because you enjoy it, then yes you should continue. I’ll be there. Have a good night!” So we’ll be dancing together, but I’m not supposed to contact him?

I am completely confused and have no idea what to think or do. Please help!

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

How old are the two of you?

[Istria]

We’re both 25. I’ve had one long-term relationship (5.5 years) and several shorter ones. This is his first relationship, though (long story … he’s from a conservative family in an Eastern European country, and for a bunch of reasons he just hasn’t found anyone yet, despite the fact that he’s generally a very sweet guy). Other than this fight, our relationship had been going great.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Thank you for filling me in. 🙂

He’s young, and doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience. This, coupled with some immaturity, is what’s behind his behavior that is confusing you. It also sounds like you’re still getting to know each other — dating for three months may seem like a long time, but it’s really just the beginning of getting to know someone. This fight you had affected him differently than you, and assuming that what he told your friend about you is true, he doesn’t have the emotional and social tools to get back together after this upset. However….. if this passive aggressive behavior is something that you learn is part of who he is, and not just a glitch because he doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience — in fact, it’s the REASON he doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience…. 😕 then you’ll be learning something about him that may make YOU decide now or down the line, whether to stay or go.

Go to the salsa class because you’re going to get more information about who he is. But be on high alert. This may a window into behavior of someone you didn’t realize you don’t want to invest more in. Or not.

If things go well at salsa, the ball’s in his court. Wait for him to contact you. If things go poorly at salsa, be prepared to move on.

Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Istria]

Thanks for the advice! At the salsa class, should I just act like nothing’s wrong, or should I ask him what’s going on? That’s part of why it’s so weird to me that he wants to go … it’s so clear to me that we need to talk, and so it’ll be weird for me to just go to this class with him with that hanging over my head (although I do agree that I need to go, in order to gain more information about his behavior).

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Don’t pretend nothing’s wrong. That’s just playing his game — and it’s a game you really don’t want to be playing. Definitely have a good time, but also tell him — instead of asking him — that you’re confused and why. What you want to avoid is backing him into a defensive position — he’ll just come out lashing. Instead, try and disarm him by telling him you’re confused.

I hope that helps! Please let me know how things go, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Istria]

(Here’s the continuation of my story, with a lot more background information).

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 months. We are both 25, but this is his first relationship (I’ve had one long-term relationship that lasted 5.5 years, and several shorter ones). When we first started dating, we went to see a counselor together, since he was very nervous about being intimate (both emotionally and physically) with someone, since he hadn’t even kissed anyone before. As a result of starting out that way, we’ve always been extremely honest with each other. He says that he’s told me all of his secrets, and I’ve told him virtually everything about myself.

He told me from the beginning that it’s likely that he’ll need to take things slowly, since everything is so new to him. I said I was fine with that. Things progressed physically (although we haven’t slept together yet); however, I was frustrated by the fact that I felt he wasn’t opening up emotionally (he kept saying he was scared of becoming too attached and getting hurt) and I actually ended up breaking up with him. It really hurt him, and I immediately regretted my rash decision, and we got back together after 4 days. This all happened at the beginning of January.

Since then, I think his feelings grew stronger, and he said he thought he was falling in love with me about 2.5 weeks ago. My feelings for him have become very strong (I think I’m falling in love with him, too).
However, about a week and a half ago, we had a big fight. It ended with him thinking that I had made up the fact that my apartment had been broken into in order to get him to come over to my place after we had squabbled about something stupid. I got really upset at that ridiculous accusation, and he said he had to take a few days to think about whether this relationship was right for him. After 5 days, he finally decided I wasn’t making it up, apologized to me profusely, and said he was just a little turned off by the fact that I tend to be so overanalytical and oversensitive. I said I would work on that, and things were great.

Last week, he suggested going on vacation together, he’s very excited about our Valentine’s Day plans, he makes out with me at virtually every opportunity, etc. Tonight, he suggested we go salsa dancing together, but when we were there, he mentioned that since the big fight he’s felt less close to me. I said I think it’s natural to feel less close after a big fight, and he said he’s not sure what to do. He said he wants things to work out, but he doesn’t want to force something that isn’t natural. I talked to him about putting work into a relationship, and after the conversation, he said he felt more close to me. We then danced a few more songs and he was VERY affectionate physically. When he walked me home, he said he enjoyed talking to me so much, and that he was so excited to give me my Valentine’s Day present. He then made sure we were going to meet up tomorrow. However, before we parted ways, he said “In order for me to feel secure, I need you to be secure, too.” I’m not even sure what that means.

I am so incredibly confused. I am falling for this guy (despite all of this drama, he’s usually incredibly sweet), but does he have too many issues with emotional intimacy for this to be worth it? Am I just going to get hurt?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Thank you for linking everything close together so everyone reading can get the whole picture! 😀

It really sounds like he’s not mature enough to have a relationship that is going to go smoothly. He takes two steps forward and then one step (or two or three or four steps) back. You shouldn’t have to “work” at the relationship at the three month mark. In fact, this is really the time when you should decide whether or not you want to continue to invest more into the relationship based on what you’ve learned.

I think you’d do better with someone who is more mature and needs less hand-holding in the emotional and social departments. I’m sure that this guy has a lot of good qualities, but it doesn’t sound like he has enough to make your time and energy worth the investment in a relationship that isn’t clearly a winner. 😉

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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