[qibaqi]

My husband, since I met him, has always gone on about having threesomes etc. He said it was just fantasy. Recently we were in a large city and he wanted to go to a swingers club. I said no, but then relented, thinking, what can it hurt, it’s only sex. Since then we have listed on an adult site and met up with 3 different couples. Each time has been so-so for me, except the most recent, when I was interested in both the guy and the girl. We got to their place and there was another couple there too, we all went in the spa, and then my Husband got out and 5 mins later was driving out the driveway (we were 20km’s from town). I was confused, didn’t know what to do or where he’d gone or if he’d come back and he’d left his mobile in my bag. I waited and tried our home number (30 mins away) a few times and just decided, to hell with it, I’d enjoy myself, since I hadn’t really before.

This has caused massive, and I mean massive problems in our relationship. 5 months later and he’s not confident with sex, calls me a slut and asks why I don’t just go and sleep with whoever and has been abusive and destructive to property in our home. I love him and don’t want to be without him and never wanted to swing and just want ‘us’ back. Help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I hope that all the readers who are into swinging or are interested in dabbling in it, read your post. 😕 This behavior is [i]so, so, so[/i] common where one partner or spouse wants to experiment in fantasy swinging and someone ends up hurt. Often, like in your marriage, they end up [b][u]very[/u] [/b][u][b]hurt[/b][/u].

Sex can be really fun and even sport-like, but the reality is that for many people it draws out emotions in others and themselves that they didn’t expect. I am very sorry for the problems you’re having, but the reality is that your husband’s ability to accept his part in your mutually agreed upon swinging is the lynchpin on which your marriage hinges right now. If he can accept that you were both acting as a team in agreeing to get into swinging, and then realize that it was a mistake and that you’re both going to stop doing this immediately, there is a chance for healing.

Clearly, he heard, saw or realized that you were liking this enough for him to feel inadequate and angry. He’s now acting out that anger and feeling of inadequacy. Your part in this is to tell him that this was a mistake and that you’re very sorry for any feelings you hurt, and that it was never your intention to hurt him — in fact, your intention was to please him. Stay away from anything that will sound to him like blame. The last thing you want to do is to back him into a corner and make him feel defensive. Chances are he already knows you did this for him, and he’s angry at himself, but he’s blaming you. Don’t try and correct him — let him come to this on his own. He feels badly enough about having made this mistake, he doesn’t need you rubbing his nose in it, so tread lightly on the fact that you were trying to please him.

Be the best wife you know how to be and muster up all your patience while you wait this out. If he is able to accept, heal and change then your marriage has a shot at getting over this hump in the road. If not, then it will fail. I hope for the former for you.

[qibaqi]

April, thank you, good advice. You are right, we are both blaming each other and the only way back is through love.

I just wish we’d read all the posts around on how bad swinging can be for relationships before we did anything 🙁

We are no longer swinging, so that’s step 1. And we do love each other, so with a lot of work I think we’ll get back what we had.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Forgiveness is one of the hardest steps to take in any relationship, and I don’t just mean forgiveness of another person. I mean forgiveness of one’s self, as well. Your husband (and yourself) has a journey in front of him that starts with acceptance of what’s happened, responsibility for his own part in it, and forgiveness of himself for his mistakes, and you for yours. Then, and only then, can you two come together and do your work as a couple to heal, remember why you love each other, think about what set you off on this path, and re-route your relationship onto a more intimate one.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Member]

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