[Anonymous]

Dear April,

Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months now. We met during my final semester of undergraduate college and although he is only a year younger than me, he is now going into his junior year of college while I am trying to start a life of my own in the real world. We took things slow emotionally in the beginning because of the knowledge we both had of me graduating in the spring. In the winter when he was unsure of what to do out of fear of either of us getting hurt, we decided to stay together and see where it went, then worry about graduation when the time came. But things got more serious than I expected and I ended up falling in love with him, but we did not share these feelings until a couple weeks before the end of school. I wanted to put it off as long as possible because I was scared he may not feel the same or want to stay together. Plus the thought of this huge change in my life following graduation made it all harder. The one thing about him is that he is a very quiet guy, doesn’t show his emotions often, and he is so relaxed about everything.. very unlike me. He shows his feelings much better physically, which is why it is the best sex of my life. It’s really hard for me somethings because I am someone that is out there with my feelings, I am emotional, and sometimes I tend to overreact. Since i wasn’t sure if he would say it first, I had to tell him how I felt before we talked about what will happen next for us. I finally worked up the courage to tell him I loved him, and although he hesitated he did say it back and said he wanted to wait to tell me if things went well with us this summer. Then we talked and decided to stay together, give it a shot and see where it goes because neither of us wanted to be with out each other.

Things have been going pretty well but sometimes I get frustrated with his inability to tell me how he feels except for telling me he loves me. I don’t want to be showered in compliments and sappy love stuff all the time, I have been there done that and it becomes overwhelming. But hearing cute things once in a while does put a smile on my face and keeps me optimistic about our distance relationship. Once in a great while he will say cute things which always is like a treat to hear from him, but then there will be a long period when I don’t hear much like that at all. When I hint towards it or bring it up, he doesn’t understand why I need to hear feelings, that he loves me and that should be enough. I don’t know if I am just overreacting or if he is being unfair? I tend to be insecure in relationships because of past heartbreaks by guys that have completely betrayed me, leaving me with trust issues about loyalty and feelings. Sometimes it feels like I have to fish for his feelings because he is not an emotional person at all and doesn’t say a whole lot in general, but not knowing drives me crazy. Also, he prefers to only text me to talk to me apart from our once or twice a week skype video calls, which was fine when I saw him alot but now that I barely do, shouldn’t he want to actually talk to me more? He tends to wait until later the evening to talk to me too. I don’t want every day phone calls or to have to check in all day long, I like the space I get from him, but I’m afraid this won’t move anywhere because of how simple things seem to him. When I saw him last weekend for the first time again, things were great but then its hard to say goodbye for another month without hearing much. Today, we were texting and joking around, and when I told him something cute I wanted to do, he just said ok, not unusual for him at all, and we got into another convo about how he doesnt tell me how he feels and it leaves me wondering. I told him that this has made me scared to tell him all my real feelings and he told me to tell him so I did. I told him how im in love with him, think about him all the time, and that he means so much to me because of how happy he makes me. He told me that he loves me too but that even though he feels those things too he thinks that at this point in time my feelings are stronger than his, just like all my emotions are stronger than his. This hit me hard, I felt stupid to believe he would feel the same, and almost rejected. He told me he can see feeling that way with more time because it takes him time to grow feelings, that he loves me more now than when he did the first time we said it a month ago.

I am so confused, I don’t know what to do because part of me knows that he isn’t the type of guy to express those feelings and I should expect this, but the other part of me feels so hurt that he doesn’t love me the way I love him yet and I wonder if he ever will, if he doesn’t have those intense feelings yet. With all that is happening with me trying to find my way in the real world, its hard for me to have to wait for him to feel this way because part of me wants to know where we are going. But then on the other side of things, taking the feelings slow is good so I don’t have to worry about fitting someone into my future plans right now, I can get my career going without worrying. He keeps telling me that it takes time for love to grow and that he loves me because I make him happy, but since I’m the first girl he has ever told he loves, I have to wonder if he even understands what love feels like. There is so much I love about how he is but the lack of expressing feelings towards me leaves me feeling insecure and worried while we don’t see each other alot now.

I am sorry this is so long, I just wanted to explain all the details and his personality. He is so much different and such a better guy than the guys I’ve dated in the past.. he is honest, funny, comfortable to be around, great morals, and doesn’t try to sweet talk me all the time to lead me on. I wanted to come to you because outsiders looking in seem to see things that I’m too blinded by love to see, and I hate thinking about leaving him because of something like this but do you think if he doesn’t feel the love as strong as me now, will he ever? Is this normal for guys to be so quiet with their emotions and easy going about this stuff even if they love the other person? Thanks for listening.

Yours truely,
April

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem isn’t that he’s the quiet type. The problem is twofold: First of all, you’ve graduated college and are out in the real world. He’s not. This makes the two of you incompatible (given everything else you’ve written). The other problem is that you’re into him more than he’s into you. 😳

His being “quiet’ or not as emotionally forthcoming with feelings is normal. But I think you’re focusing on that difference rather than understanding that this relationship may have run it’s course because he’s not ready for the kind of commitment you’re looking for at this time in your life. Yes, he’s got wonderful attributes, but you’re complaining a lot about him and that’s going to get worse if you stay together because he’s not who you want him to be. You’re going to start looking for things to pick at because you can’t get him to change the overriding differences.

One of the reasons I tell women not to say the L word first is because you’ve taken that opportunity away from him. If he doesn’t say it on his own — you know where you stand. You may not like it, but there’s no misunderstanding. It seems that he hesitated to say it after you did, and he may have felt forced into saying it before he was ready. That same dynamic is still at play — you’re trying to force him into a phase in the relationship he’s just not ready for.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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