[Cjs1515]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months. We fell in love quickly. He is the first man to treat me like a princess with love and respect. He introduced me to his son and each other’s families. I’m staying pretty much half my time at his house and half at mine. He is going through a really hard time with a custody battle and he has been distant and sad and angry. He never has given me a reason to not trust him but because I have been cheated on so much my first instinct when he got distant was to check if his profile on the dating website we met on was active. He never erased it because I forgot to show him how. Well it said online now. I confronted him and he said he hasn’t been on it. I want so bad to believe him and be confident he is just going through a hard time. But when I asked him if I could show him how to delete it he told me it was a different email and he forgot the password. The online status I pretty much check every day to see if there is a pattern and it does seem to say online now when I’m not around. I never thought he would be the type to cheat because he was cheated on badly. He still tells me he loves me and I can be secure in our relationship and I still go to his house and spend time with him and his son. What should I do?? I usually have a great gut instinct but with this I’m not so sure cause I really never saw him doing something like that… Please help

[AskApril Masini]

Your anxiety about his cheating on you is a guideline for you to use. Tune into it. Figure out what you feel and why you feel it. The problem here is that you’ve invested too much in only three months of dating this guy. The imbalance between too much investment and not enough knowledge about him creates your anxiety. Because you’re invested so quickly, you’ve got a lot to lose because you haven’t really gotten to know him well. Because you have a history of people cheating on you, you should wait to get to know a guy very, very well before getting too involved if only to protect yourself. 🙂 Having anxiety about a relationship is no fun!

So, use the first three months of dating someone to get to know them and decide if you want to continue dating each other. During this time you should assume he’s playing the field, and he should assume the same. If you do want to continue dating each other, use the second three months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous. When you meet online, you can usually be assured that he’s dating other people for at least the first three months and possibly more — and that’s not wrong. In fact, it’s prudent! Dating is competitive and especially if you’re both divorced, you may both want to try and get it right this time around, and learn from what hasn’t worked in the past.

Since you’ve seen that his online dating profile is still up, be smart. He’s playing the field — even if he says he loves you. It’s only been three months. it’s too soon for a commitment, so drop the online dating profile issue. He’s dating. Or simply looking — with the intent to date. It’s not the end of the world. It just means you have competition. Don’t call him on this. Instead, watch and learn. 😉 He’ll take it down when he’s ready, and that’s how you’ll know he’s into you.

Lastly, slow down and back off the living half time with him and involving your kids in his life until you’re more secure that this is going to go the distance. When you have less riding on the success of a new relationship, you’ll feel less anxious about making sure it works, and you’ll be able to focus your energy on figuring out if you’re compatible.

Hope that helps!

[Member]

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