[Spanners88]

Hey…

Kinda needs some help.. as most people do that are on this forum…

Basically… I’m 21 years old…. and I’m currently with this guy who is 27… he’s very caring, sweet, helpful, fun, and so much more… but maybe a bit too much…

My issues is the fact that I find it hard to trust him… and he knows I dont trust him too.. but all I want is to trust him.. so im happy so hes happy…

we’re both currently living in Australia on a years working holiday visa… and under my Aunts roof.. and before hand we would have lots of arguments about silly little things.. nearly broke up a few times now.. but i know he loves me because he stays with me… regardless… and he moved to oz with me…

even with that in mind.. im constantly fretting about his constant need to chat to other people… mostly girls online… hes got lots of girly mates back in the uk… which i know aren’t a threat anymore.. because they’re there.. and we’re here…

but now he’s got himself on this website called “plenty of fish”… it’s an australian dating site.. now… hes told me about it.. and has told me constantly about all the girls he’s chatted to.. and told me that he had to continuously let them know hes in a relationship… which helps with my trust…

but its sometimes not enough… the fact hes on there in the first place… and chatting to girls who are so obviously looking for love… just gets me wound up…. i recently tried to prove a point.. by adding myself on it and chatting to guys myself… but i made sure that my account clearly states im with someone and im only looking for friends…

which he has kind of done too.. although he says hes only looking for friends… which i appreciate… he hasn’t mentioned me at all… because he was the one who followed me to oz… its my Aunts home he’s living in…

another thing is… last night he was talking to a few of his girly ozzy mates he met on the sight… which I full well know about.. and know that he’s told them about me… so im not so worried… but I some how feel the need to check over his shoulder… in case he says something inappropriate…. Which I have caught doing… but it’s only suttle things.. like for example a girl he was talking to seems to be a bit annoyed with him about something.. and I don’t know why.. he makes out he doesn’t either… so I was just concerned for her… and curious to know what he’d done.. so me being paranoid.. read what he wrote.. and when she said “im going to bed” he put “can I come” and then closed the convo down as if hoping I wouldn’t read it.. but I mentioned it… because I didn’t want to just ignore it and let it develop into an argument.. and he just said that he didn’t mean he wanted to join her in her bed… but only saying he was tired too.. and wanted to go to bed himself… but if I got the wrong idea… surely she would too?

Then the same night.. I could tell he was of with me.. so I eventually got out of him what was wrong.. and he said that he doesn’t feel like he has a private life anymore with his friends.. and he has to watch everything he says so he doesn’t upset me.. and he cant actually be himself… which made me upset… but we made up and everything was ok from then.

but after talking to my aunt about it all… she doesn’t understand why hes on a dating site in the first place and thinks he should get his act together… and it made me realise.. if hes on a dating site.. and although he says he’s only looking for friends… why a dating site.. that there are going to be girls on there that are so obviously looking for love… and only chat to girls? Why not make male friends… on a proper ozzy forum?

Another thing im worried about… which he says wont happen.. when we got together he was already seeing a girl… a very pretty girl.. and she seems very cool… but they had lots of problems. And he wasn’t happy.. at the time I would have loved to be with him properly as a couple… but at the same time I just wanted him to be happy…
She actually broke up with him.. because of a rumour that he was cheating… which was technically true… we wouldn’t sleep together.. but he had kissed me… when he was still with her… but the drama started from there… she would constantly ask him to forgive her.. and be with her again… and all sorts.. and I just let him talk to her.. so that he could help her through it.. because she seemed really upset.. and was determind to get her through it so we could just move on. But one day.. he told me she had admitted she was pregnant.. which was a big kick in the teeth.. and I just said I would be with him no matter what happens… but turns out… she was lying about it… well I know she was.. because I know that if your 3 months pregnant.. it wouldn’t take an hour to get an abortion done! I knew she could only be 3 months pregnant because they didn’t have sex for 3 months… because of an incident with a condom.. I can see two ways in which it would be if she was telling the truth.. it was his.. and it didn’t take an hour to have an abortion.. or it was someone elses…

Now we’ve gotten over this ages ago..i only mention it because he occationally hears from here.. she keeps trying to add him on facebook.. and her mum still talks to him on msn… which I don’t mind because its nice to know shes ok… even I like to know shes ok.. but I still don’t think she was pregnant… but hes not so sure.. and worrys about her.. because of what she went through.

But it frustrates me when she pops up on facebook… now.. do I confront her.. and ask her to leave us both alone… get him to do it… or just ignore both her and her mum? I don’t know what to do.. I don’t want to be reminded of her any more… because im reminded of the bad days!

Now I know he loves me.. because he came to oz with me… he even asked me to marry him once.. although I had to say no because we weren’t together for long… and I didn’t want to rush into anything… and he agreed… and he also made a big effort on my 21st birthday… took me out for a meal… after his mum went nuts the afternoon of my birthday… and spent a lot of well thought-out money on me…. Top of the rang laptop case… and windows 7…. Because im into my computing.. and kept going on about my laptop needing a clean up and needed a laptop case for it so I can take it to Australia…

So I know he loves me… I just find it hard to trust him sometimes… but surely.. with good reason? But how can I change things? so that he sees my point of view.. and understands that what he’s doing is actually hurting me and making me not trust him?

Please help,

Penny.

[Ask April Masini]

Sometimes a person can be standing the middle of a thunder storm with rain pouring down, hail smashing them in the head, thunder booming and lightning flashing and they say, “Why do you think I”m so wet?” They completely ignore what’s so clear to everyone else around them. Well, that’s what you’re doing.

Your boyfriend is clearly lonely and flirting with women online. Whether or not he loves you doesn’t take away from his wanting other female company. Just because he’s come to Australia with you and is living with you at your aunt’s house doesn’t mean he’s happy in the relationship he has with you. He’s looking for female attention outside of the relationship he has with you, and he already knows that it’s going to hurt your feelings, but his feelings are more important to him right now. He’s giving you reasons not to trust him, and you’re wanting to find a way get over those trust issues. Well, the issues you have aren’t trust issues — they’re incompatibility issues.

Your boyfriend isn’t ready to be settled down with you the way you are with him. He’s hurting your feelings because he wants more freedom. Whatever happened in the past, right now, today, he wants to bust loose and be with other women — and probably have you, too.

My advice to you is that the two of you living together at your aunt’s house is not a great situation for you. It would be better if he got his own place. While this may scare you because you think you may lose him this way, it’s really the only way to find out if he’s yours at all. Right now, he’s feeling trapped, and that’s no way to have a healthy relationship. If, after moving out on his own, he still wants to date you, and you want to date him, then that’s great. But right now, clearly, he wants to date other women as well, and have his own friends and his freedom.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s my best piece of advice. I hope it helps!

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