"April Masini answers questions no one else can and tells you the truth that no one else will."

unhappy in marriage- happiness is a choice right?

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  • #6014
    sassysam75
    Member #197,029

    Dear April,
    I have been married 5 years at the end of March. All my friends are tired of hearing me complain and even I’m tired of complaining because I feel I lack the guts to do anything about my unhappiness. I have two very young children and an adolescent who I put through a very stressful divorce-like situation about 7 years ago. I lost EVERYTHING during that divorce-like situation and started over from scratch.It was horrific and the hardest thing I have ever done. I now have a reasonably comfortable (financially) and respectable (stable/grounded) life. I cannot bear the thought of starting over.

    Problem is I am terribly lonely. I feel my husband ignores me a lot of the time. We used ot be unseparable but in the past 2.5 years he is rarely around. I have tried telling him exactly what I need (more of his time and attention), I have tried an oscar-winning performance that I am 100% happy for weeks, I have tried crying, bitching, keeping myself busy for weeks on end, showering him with love/affection, playiong hard to get….. I have tried EVERYTHING I and my especially indulgent group of friends could think of and yes, we have even been to counseling.

    I have strongly considered having an affair- but I feel too guilty. He is a wonderful man and I have very few compliants about how he is as a husband otherr than this. I feel he is “not that into me” contstantly…. like we’re dating and I am some hyper-needy clinger girl – and this has never been characteristic of our relationship. I keep trying to convince myself that I AM HAPPY that I can live this way but in my heart I am not sure I can. If happiness is a choice, how do I come to peace with choosing to stay married when my intimacy and companionship needs are far from fulfilled?

    #23019

    You have to think of this relationship as a puzzle — only there are not a limited number of pieces. You get to create the missing piece. Try to step out of your situation and look at who he is, and what’s going on in his life. What is it that he wants, loves, spends time doing? Since he’s the person you’re trying to “hook”, you have to figure out a way to get his attention and win him over again.

    If he loves golf, learn to play golf! If he has great friends, then invite his friends and their wives over — and make the event so great that he’s going to get amazing feedback from his friends about how wonderful you are. In other words, you have to get his attention! If he loves blondes and you’re a redhead, consider dying your hair just for fun! Needless to say, turning up the heat in the bedroom is important, as is switching things up. And date night is a great practice to institute if you don’t already have it.

    In other words, roll up your sleeves and work to get the marriage back on track. 😉

    [b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
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    #25434
    sassysam75
    Member #197,029

    Wow, I have to say I am surprised (pleasantly) at your answer. I do not know what I expected your answer to be but I know that wasn’t it 🙂 I just wanted to say —-that is some of the most refreshing advice I have received; and certainly a twist on the usual viewpoint. I very much appreciate your candid response. It might have been exqctly what I needed to hear.

    #26684

    You’re very welcome. 😀

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