[Cheesecake]

First off, I just want to thank you for your time reading the following concerns.

My boyfriend and I have been together since early February. It is a long distant, online relationship. Like all relationships, we got to know each other, found we had lots of things in common, enjoy each other’s company, etc. We happily accepted each other a few weeks later, and continued to bond.

Soon after, we would voice chat, call each other, like usual long distant relationships go. Everything felt so perfect. He was adorable, easy to talk to, focused a lot of time on me. Things started slowing down a few months later, but I expected that. It was bound to happen when the newness wore off.

We talked about meeting, and I went to see him in person. We had a lot of fun together, and I really enjoyed his company. When I returned home, things changed on me. He didn’t want to voice chat as much anymore, and it eventually became very little. He wasn’t online as much, and when he was, he barely spoke to me. For two months, he pushed me away slowly, giving reasons of depression and such. He would constantly get angry with me, tell me I was being clingy, when I just wanted to hear from him. He mentioned the distance bothered him a lot, but I didn’t understand why he had to hurt my feelings because of that. It got to the point where he questioned his love for me, and told me not to show him affection.

Recently, he spoke to me, and apologized for how he’d been acting, saying things like “I was ruining a good thing”. It made me happy to hear him say that, and I felt my patience had won in the end, but a new concern has come up. He tells me he doesn’t want to be “serious” with me. He says he loves me, cares for me, wants me in his life and to be with me… but not seriously? He has told me he wants open relationships online with other people. I do not like to share the one I love, but he swore it wouldn’t affect us, that it would just be for fun, and he would never meet anyone, and that I am the only one he loves. I don’t know how to handle this. He’s given me permission to do as I like, but I’m completely loyal and devoted to him.

I’ve been so confused on what to do. What to say. He gets so angry with me if I question him at all, or if I even voice my concerns. So a little help from an outside source would be much appreciated.

[Ask April Masini]

It’s probably hard for you to see what’s going on because you’re so involved in your own feelings for this guy and for what you want this relationship to be. But your boyfriend is giving you a very clear picture of what[i] he[/i] wants things to be, and I’d advise you to pay attention to what he’s doing and saying, rather than try and change him or wonder why things aren’t different.

Your boyfriend made it pretty clear after your first visit together that he wasn’t that interested. You were confused because while the two of you were just having an online relationship for a few months prior to meeting, things were a lot better. When they slowed down online, you met, probably hoping to add some momentum to the sinking ship, but after your meeting, he slowed it all down even further. The picture he’s painting is one where he’s not that interested.

I know you’re upset that he hurt your feelings by telling you you were too clingy and needy after your visit, but he was really doing you a favor. When someone tells you the truth, it’s a gift. You don’t have to waste any more time with someone who’s just not that into you. You can move on and date other people in addition to him, or in place of him. But the bottom line is you don’t have to waste your time on someone who’s made it really clear he’s not into you.

The reason he gets angry with you when you voice your concerns or ask questions about the relationship is because he probably feels you’re trying to manipulate him back into doing or feeling something he doesn’t want to do or feel, or that you’re criticizing him for not being a good boyfriend, which he’s already made clear he doesn’t want to be. So stop talking to him about “the relationship”. Stop asking him questions about it. And stop voicing your concerns and trying to make him someone he’s not. Just listen and watch what he says and does, and you’ll have all the answers you need to respond appropriately.

Sorry if this is harsh, but if you don’t accept that he’s not that into you, you’re just going to get more and more upset, and more importantly, you’re going to waste time you could be dating and being available to other men who want the same thing you do.

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