[suzie12]

I started talking to this guy about a week ago. He is very nice and very attractive. He asked me to hang out with him. We went to get frozen yogurt and walked around in the city. I went home and we planned to hang out again soon. I went over to his house and we were hanging out talking about laughing. The two times we have hung out it has been very natural and great. However, the last time we hung out we had sex and everything was fine. We cuddled after and he was very sweet to me. The next morning I went home and he gave me a kiss and that was that. The following day I texted him and we were texting a bit. I wasn’t being very talkative so I asked him if last night was more of a hookup or more because he is hard to read. He began to apologize for being hard to read and that he is trying to get in a good groove with work since he just started a new job and it is keeping him preoccupied. That is probably why he seems the way he does right now. He then told me “You don’t have to over think it” I asked him what he meant by over thinking things and he said “I don’t know, you’re trying to read me and all. Im not trying to play games Lol” What do these two statements mean??? “You don’t have to overthink it, I’m not trying to play games” Does this mean it wasn’t a hookup. Should I just leave it be or continue to pursue him? I don’t want to be annoying. I am just very attracted to him and love his personality. I don’t want to mess it up if there is a chance he is attracted to me. any advice is much appreciated!!!

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

[suzie12]

Im 23 and he is 26

[AskApril Masini]

Got it, thanks.

So the reason he’s backing away is because you’re pressuring him to define a relationship way too soon. 😕 You’ve only known him for a week. You should never have “the talk” with a guy — at any time — let alone so soon. “The talk” is when one person wants clarity on the relationship. The person who starts “the talk” is usually the one who is unhappy with the way things are and is trying to leverage “the talk” into a relationship defining title. When he told you not to overthink things, he meant that you’re pressing him to decide what this is, when he’s not ready to.

Back off and enjoy the relationship, but make sure you’re dating smart — use the first three months of any relationship to simply decide if you want to continue dating him. If you do, use the second three months to decide if you want monogamy. 😉

[suzie12]

So should I just wait for him to contact me? Or should I reach out to him in a few days and just have normal conversation. I don’t really know where to go from here. Guys are very hard to read sometimes.

[AskApril Masini]

It depends what you want — do you want a hook up relationship? Or a romantic, committed relationship?

[suzie12]

I want a committed relationship. I am ready to settle down. I met him online so I feel like I don’t know if I am the only girl he has done this with.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. So, if you’re 23 and you want a relationship where you’re ready to settle down, you have to date smart. If you meet someone online, know that he’s also meeting other women online at the same time and he’s playing the field. That’s just a fact. It’s not personal. People use the internet to meet dates for various reasons — they may want to expand their dating pool beyond who they meet in real life, or they may be super busy with work and don’t have time to “farm” dates in real life, or they may be looking for quick and easy sex, or they may be lazy and this is an easy way to date. Or — it could be some other reason. But those are some things you should consider when you look for dates online.

Also, you should look for compatibility in dating goals. A 26 year old guy who’s looking for dates online could be serious — or not serious at all. They way you can figure this out is the way he invites you on a date. A guy who’s serious about a committed relationship is going to invite you to have a drink or coffee or lunch or dinner. He’s not going to invite you to hang out. He’ll be wanting to get to know you and figure out if you’re right for him. If he’s not doing this, you shouldn’t waste your time.

I hope that helps.

[suzie12]

Yes it does! Thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome.

[Sally]

This is that in-between space where nothing is clear yet, and that can mess with you.
What he said sounds less like a brush-off and more like him saying he’s not putting a label on it yet. “Don’t overthink it” usually means he’s going with the flow, not secretly running a game. The cuddling, the sweetness, the follow-up texts those don’t scream one-and-done hookup.

At the same time, it’s only been a week. He just started a new job. That matters. You don’t need to decide what this is right now, and neither does he.
My advice? Pull back a little. Let him reach out next. If he’s interested, he will. If not, you’ll know without chasing. You didn’t mess anything up. Just don’t rush clarity before it has time to show up.

[Tara]

This was a hookup, and you are already doing the exact thing that turns a casual situation into something awkward and doomed by over-processing it out loud to him. When a man says “you don’t have to overthink it” and “I’m not trying to play games,” what he is actually saying is: I enjoyed you, I’m attracted to you, but I am not sitting around analyzing labels, timelines, or emotional meanings the way you are. He is focused on his new job, his routine, and keeping things easy.

The moment you asked him to define what it was after only two hangouts and sex, you shifted the energy from natural and fun to “emotional check-in,” and that is exactly what he meant by overthinking. If he wanted to lock you down, you wouldn’t be confused men who want more make it obvious through consistency, effort, and initiative, not vague reassurance. Right now, the smartest move is to stop pushing for clarity, stop chasing, and stop narrating your feelings. Let him come to you.

If he reaches out, great, match his energy. If he doesn’t, accept the reality that this was a pleasant hookup with potential, not a budding relationship. Chasing reassurance will not turn this into something more; it will kill whatever attraction exists. Back off, live your life, and let his actions, not your anxiety, tell you everything you need to know.

[Member]

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