[canon13]

I have a fairly unique situation and need advice. This is a long one and I apologize in advance. To begin, last February, my wife and I split. She ended it. I spent a month and a half trying to save it because I didn’t believe in divorce, but eventually gave because we really were never truly happy together. I saw this as my chance to finally find someone that would treat me like I deserved to be treated and be fulfilled. She and I were still civil and we did not use lawyers or court for anything. Instead we verbally agreed on everything like custody, etc. That summer, I briefly dated a great woman, who showed me a lot of what I was missing in my marriage. She worked crazy hours and had two younger kids, so she didn’t have time to invest and after a month and a half ended it. I was hurt but recovered quick and saw it as a learning experience and appreciated that it helped me move on.

In early September, one morning I was browsing Match.com and saw a beautiful woman who’s profile really spoke to me. I loved what she had to say, though she liked to travel and I had no money for that (after taking on my mortgage myself) so I didn’t write, thinking I wouldn’t stand a chance. Later that morning she wrote to me (not even knowing I looked at her) because she thought I was very cute and loved what I wrote in my profile. We spent the day exchanging messages and really hit it off. We had a ton in common, including specific things we wanted in a relationship, even long term. I was trying to be cautious and not jump in quick, especially after the last girl. I had met one other girl and was talking to yet another. Nothing serious at all, just trying to see who I liked. I let this girl know as to not be a player. She was blown away by openness and honest about that and many other things I divulged to her. We met (with friends) the next evening for drinks and hit it off just as well in person. We both felt at home with the other and set up the nest date before parting ways.

The next two months were amazing! We spent a lot of time together and did many fun things. She took me to her work picnic and even for a weekend away at a festival in Baltimore (stayed at her sister’s house, who was away for the weekend). I like to give little notes or a card on occasion just to show my appreciation for my partner, so I was amazed when she beat me to the punch two weeks in. She left me a card saying how I’ve brought her such happiness and am a blessing. She’d soon tell me I was her “perfect match” and a “whole package” and what she’s always been wanting in a man. I truly believe she meant it and I did treat her great. She treated me like gold in return and I felt the same about her. I also greatly respected how even though we both loved sex (but rarely got it in our last LTRs) and couldn’t wait to get started, we waited a few weeks (and many many dates). She even shut us down one night after a bit of drinking before we went too far, because it was too soon. This showed me I could really trust her and I loved it really. Once we did have sex, it was amazing, easily the best and more passionate I’ve ever had. There were no problems in that area. Things went so well the first two months that we couldn’t imagine it ever ending. Both of us were very adamant about not bringing our kids into it until it was very serious, maybe a few months in. Her average was 4 months. Two months in we were sure and we got them all together. We spent a Saturday together and she was amazing with my girls. They adored her from the start. So much, in fact, they talked her up once they returned home to my ex.

Ironically, two days later my ex texted me that she wanted to discuss her moving back home (200 miles away) with the girls. I was devastated and refused to agree to it. I wrote a heart felt letter explaining why and offered alternatives. I wanted to be in my girls lives all the time, not be 200 miles away and skype with them as she offered, or have them for the summer, as she offered. My letter only angered her and she lashed out with a very nasty text to me and even went as far as to insinuate I wasn’t a good enough dad to keep them near me. That really hurt because I take great pride in being the best dad I can be and giving as much attention to my girls as possible. It made me feel like garbage and I put myself down. She knew how to press my buttons and did. She took what I said and twisted it. First she told me I could no longer have the girls unless it was in public. Up until then I had seen them every day after school. Some days it was an hour, some 3 hours and then every other weekend. Now I could only see them at a restaurant, where she would drop them off and either wait in the lot or go home and come back for them. Days later she went to the courts and filed for primary custody and in her reasoning said she feared for the girls safety because I threatened to harm myself. All of this really messed me up and it affected how I saw myself and how I acted. I was still nice to my gf, but we had one incident where I said something as a joke but it hurt her and when she told me, instead of apologizing I was very standoffish and a bit of a jerk at first. I ended up apologizing after some talk later that night and then even wrote her a letter further telling her how bad I felt for being that way. We were still doing great. She was so supportive and caring it amazed me. She went out of her way for me, even buying a ton of gently used clothing so my girls would have a wardrobe to keep at my house. She was always telling me how perfect I was for her and giving me cards on every occasion with a love letter. No one ever treated me this good, yet with the custody situation I was not totally myself or able to enjoy the relationship as I should.

In December, we had a court counsel and I got all my visitation rights back and we got a court appointed schedule. Everything worked out well in that way. Previous to that, we had no support payments because we had almost equal shared time and my ex made $30k more than me a year. Plus I took over our mortgage and she couldn’t get her name off it so she didn’t want me to struggle. Now that we had to get lawyers involved (I needed to make sure things went fair) she changed her mind and wanted support. I was a brat about it at first. Not that I didn’t want to support my kids, but it was a shock out of left field and the number was high enough that to make all my bills I need to work 48-50 hours every single week. It was very scary and stressed me even more. Add in the fact we had an agreement that she kept all of our savings, including mine with the trade off that I would not pay anything in for two years, but after two years I would put money into college tuition accounts. The two years was to help me build up the savings she took. To be a good dad, I started the college accounts right away anyways and put as much as I could afford in. So yeah, I was a little bitter because those would go away too.

My gf and I had a great holiday season together and she even took us to see a football game in NY and then we stayed in a hotel by Times Square after so I could see NYC for the first time in my 38 years. That was for XMAS from her. We had met eachother’s families and it went great. She was still calling me her perfect match and planning for the future together at this point. We had fallen hard for eachother. There were little things here and there that would cause some issue, but we were pretty good working them out quickly. She appreciated many things I did for her, like helping around her house and surprising her with heat pads when she hurt her back. I did many little things that she said no one ever did for her and she loved it. Two weeks into the new year, I noticed she seemed just slightly backed off. She had asked me one night if something seemed off or if she was overthinking it and I said everything was fine and not to worry. Inside though, I was not happy with myself. I loved her and was happy with her, but I was a mess from my issues with my ex. We still got together a lot and had great times, but she seemed a tiny bit less intense with me. I was slightly worried but it also gave me the opportunity to try to make things even better with us. I failed there.

Two weeks into the new year, on a Saturday, after working 50 hours that week, I woke up early to do work for her mom and then afterwards got things done at home before she came to pick me up and do things for the day. I was exhausted and fighting being cranky. We had dinner and then met up with friends for a few drinks. I was beyond tired and kept more to myself than usual. Dumb little things were bothering me. She noticed as did my friends who asked her if I was alright. She questioned me and I said I was fine, but after she pressed me, I got very down on myself and said I was not exciting like everyone else and I was un-dateable. She did not like this and blamed my ex for making me feel this way. I told her I did even before my ex. It got a little heated and in frustration, I slammed my car door when we got to my house. That was enough for her and she said she was leaving to go home. I ended up getting in her car to begrudgingly apologize but before I could say anything she pushed me and said get out. I got irritated and walked away. I texted her that I was sorry I got angry and to let me know when she was home. I got a simple text saying only “home”.

The next day I felt bad about it but also mad and felt I didn’t need this crap right now. Add onto it that my ex called me and we had an intense conversation about things with the kids and her anger that I hired a lawyer for the custody battle. I finally stood up for myself for once but afterwards I still felt horrible from our conversation. Last thing I wanted to do was confront my gf about the night before, so I ignored it all day…and the next day. Later that night I was going to text her to start a dialog and say sorry again but she beat me to it. She said she’d normally never do this over text but since I didn’t seem to care enough to contact her and try to fix it, she was ending it because that was not acceptable to her. She said she thought I was a great, amazing guy and awesome father but that I needed to see that too and hoped I did someday. I responded and explained myself. My explanation to her, she said, just confirmed what she suspected…that I was not ready for this yet. She said I was broken and I needed to work on myself before I was ready to move on with somebody. She said she went through it after her divorce and it took her a while. That if you’re not happy with yourself you can’t be in a healthy relationship. She was nothing but nice about it.

The next day we wrote back and forth a little but it did not help, it was done. She said she knew things from my past were affecting how I acted at times and certain decisions I made and that I needed to deal with that before I could move on and be happy. I got very drunk. The next day after sleeping it off, I started to come to my senses and think more clearly. I wrote a letter to her thanking her for being so amazing and told her I appreciated all she did for me. I bought a very nice custom flower array and took it to her work building lobby and left it for her. She immediately texted thanking me. I ended up telling her I planned to “take care of my sh*t” and if after that she was still single I planned to ask her out again. Her response was “no matter what happened between us just know by taking care of your sh*t, as you put it, you’ll be happier than you ever were”. The day after that I asked her if I could call and talk to her. She said if it was to get back together or continue to date that it wasn’t a good idea because the things I need to deal with only I can work on and it wouldn’t be healthy for either of us if we were together during it”. I told her I understood, thank you for your honesty and take care.

I immediately went to work on myself. I had been going to counseling to deal with the custody situation, etc and I then started to go even weekly to work on my issues. I also read tons of self help books and learned a ton. I used writing my thoughts down to help. And I was so proud that I gave her the notebook. I knew what many of my issues where and I had a gameplan. I wrote it all in a notebook, as therapy. It was so refreshing to me that I decided to give her the notebook. I dropped it off at her house and left a note that I didn’t expect her to read it, but if she wanted to see what I was coming up with already she could. I also had a part in it where I told her how my ex once asked me why I loved her and I had no real answer, yet after 4 months with her I knew exactly why. I filled 2 and a half pages with specific things about her that made me love her. Two days later she texted me that she read it all and wanted to process it before giving a proper response. The next morning added through email that I was sorry about it all, for hurting her and disappointing her basically with the relationship. That I had let my ex affect how I felt about myself instead of listening to how SHE felt about me. She quickly wrote back that I shouldn’t keep blaming myself or dwelling and to realize how good I am. She said many other nice things but reaffirmed I needed to work on me for my sake and my girls. Later that night she’d text to add an apology for pushing me out of her car and the next day also added “it takes two to tango” and “she didn’t always do everything right” with us.

I kept going with my healing. I started to see exactly where all my unhappiness over the years came from as well as other issues and I started dealing with them head on. I had things I held onto since I was 10 that greatly affected who I was and how I acted at times. It all started to make sense and as I dealt with it all I started to feel better and better. I quickly got to a point where I felt good about myself and for the first time since I was a little kid I could look directly at myself in the mirror. I was already in a much better place and excited about life and felt great about myself. We had not talked at all. I sent two random texts that got no response, though didn’t nec warrant one. Valentines was coming up and I wanted to do something just to show her I still was there and cared. I ended up writing her a long letter telling her how good I was doing and how dealing with things she suggested and other things as well helped so much. I thanked her for being the major catalyst in the biggest improvements I’ve made to myself yet. I ended it by telling her how I felt about her and how I feel like we really had something special and now that I was well on my way to being in the best place I’ve ever been, I think we could eventually have something even more amazing, given the chance. I told her that would be the last I write her as to not pressure or push her and that she could reach out anytime if she wanted to give it another shot. I left it at her door along with a flower arrangement I made her and a note saying it was for Valentines Day, even though we were not together. I heard nothing, but knew that we would see eachother two weeks later at a class our kids were taking that she set up as an Xmas gift.

That day came and she texted me to make sure we would still be there. We arrived at the same time and after we got the kids into the class, we chatted a few mins and caught up (she initiated) and then went our separate ways. We talked some more when we came to pick the girls up. The whole time she was very pleasant and asked how my parents were, what was new with me, etc. When I said we were leaving she replied “it was very nice to see you again”. I said It was nice to see her as well and “hopefully I’ll get to see you again sometime?!”. Her reply was a vague “perhaps…but we won’t discuss that right now” (gesturing to kids). She is a very upfront, outspoken and no holding back type, so even though perhaps doesn’t mean yes or no, I’m happy it wasn’t something like no or that’s not a good idea. That was three weeks ago and I did not try to contact her yet. I badly wanted to but also felt I should give it more time and not come across too pushy. I want her to see I can live without her and that I can work on myself and not keep contacting her.

I really do want to reach out and ask if she’d like to get together for a drink or dinner some night and see if she’d be game. I know now that if I got another chance I am ready for it and I’m in the best place I’ve even been in my life. I’m very happy but knowing what I know, I’d be even happier with her back in my life. I finally see I deserve her and could make her very happy now that I’ve dealt with my past and let go of many things and learned to deal with situations better. I also am afraid that it may be too soon, in her mind she may think I need more time and shoot it down. I’d wait a year for this girl if I knew I’d have a chance. On the other hand, I don’t want to keep doing this to myself and thinking about her if it over for good. I’ve been told by mutual acquaintances (not that I asked) that she’s not looking and not on dating sites. Could she be waiting for me to see what ends up happening? I know all the effort I put into my letters to her showed I care, but I almost feel maybe she wants me to come out and ask her (once the time is right) for another chance to show that I truly care and want it, rather than just writing it down. I’m kinda lost here and don’t want to blow it more than I have. If you read all this you have no idea how grateful I am and I appreciate any feedback! Thank You 

[AskApril Masini]

Ask her out on a date!

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