[anonymous94]

My story starts a year ago on my birthday, when I met a guy who I completely fell head over heels for. We’d met through mutual friends who’d been pushing for us to meet. We had sex almost immediately, which I shouldn’t have condoned. Our relationship was strictly sexual, but we remained good friends for months. After some time, things got out of hand and I got pregnant. I didn’t keep it for various reasons, including him and how he acted about the situation and because I was a jobless little teenager. It completely tore apart whatever friendship we had attempted to keep. I saw him at a party a month later and went home with him for the last time. It’s been months since I slept with him, or was even alone in his vicinity. I then began to try and get over him. It was hard when I first started, since I was still blinded by my feelings, but over time I noticed that I really didn’t like a lot of his personality. He’s cocky, self-reighteous, puts on a facade when he goes out and so on. Even after all of this, I still have weird ‘feelings’ for him that I’m not even sure how to describe.

Now, here comes the tricky part. I am now in the most serious relationship I’ve been in, but my boyfriend is best friends with this guy and he’s around more than I prefer. My friends and I are a part of the ‘rave scene’, if you will, and we tend to go to shows in groups. I’d be okay if this was the only time I saw him, since I only go to a show every few months. We do hang out quite a bit aside from shows though, and he even helped my boyfriend pick out my Christmas gift.

He has actually done a lot himself to prove that, in some weird way, he still wants me around. He recently attempted to fight one of my ex’s again, (who started drama/trying to fight him while we were still dating) three months after we broke up. We had a conversation via text one morning, and it started out very innocent. Somehow, we’d come upon the subject of his ego when I said “Haha. Well, don’t let your head get too big.” to which he responded “Oh, it’s..big enough”. I ended the conversation immediately, feeling awkward and almost offended. He also tried to keep his girlfriend a secret from me, but not my boyfriend or his friends. Honestly, I chalked all of this up to my imagination until one night. We had a group of friends over at his on-and-off-again girlfriend’s house one evening and everyone had been drinking. He’d dozed off early in the evening and woke up when I was the only one still awake. I’d been feeling bad from the alchohol I’d drank and he came to sit by me on my chair. I thought it was a nice gesture, and that he was trying to be friendly, until he situated us with my legs over his lap. He cuddled into me and asked me to play with his hair. I just sat there thinking for about twenty minutes, until I looked over and said “this feels wrong”. He didn’t say anything in response, but wouldn’t meet my eyes. I got up and was sick, but not from the alchohol. All of this happened while I was dating my current boyfriend.

When he’s around, I get incredibly nervous and he realizes this (I think he enjoys it, too). I know this comes from the ‘feelings’ I still have for him. Every time we’re together, I tell myself I can be the bigger person and just push it all away, but something always makes me slip up. I’ve found that if I’m being very catty towards him, I can hold my ground, but that draws unwanted attention. My boyfriend knows of our past, so I’m not worried about him finding out, but I am worried about him realizing I still have these weird feelings. I’m not sure if the feelings will ever go away, but I at least need some help trying to hide them.

I’d love to hear advice from anyone who’d be willing to help.
Thank you

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you all?

[anonymous94]

I’m the youngest of us all. 18, my boyfriend’s almost 21 and the guy is 21.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, so here’s the thing you have to understand: Men and women are different. One of the biggest mistakes women make is to forget the fact that men have sex because they can. If you’re available for sex, your ex-boyfriend will sleep with you in spite of the fact that he has a girlfriend. I think you’re aware of this but haven’t really articulated it. You’re also imputing to your ex-boyfriend, female emotional characteristics, which he doesn’t have — because he’s a guy! 😉 While you recognize that it feels wrong to be cuddled up with him while you’re dating his best friend, he’s going to have sex with you if you’ll go for it. So the responsibility to define your relationship is up to you.

As for your weird feelings, what’s going on is that you’re attracted to your ex. These are residual sexual feelings and they’re real. That said, we ALL have feelings that we don’t act on. Even married people feel attracted to others in their lives, movie stars, familiar strangers (the UPS guy, etc.) — but that doesn’t mean they act on those feelings. Feeling sexual is normal and healthy, but modifying our behavior and not acting on every impulse we have is what separates us from animals. 😉

So, understand your feelings, and then decide how you want to handle them.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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