[Josafiya]

Hi
I hope you can help me. 🙂 I was in a long distance relationship for a couple of years. He is 3 years younger than me, and this was his first really serious relationship. Generally he was very loving, and sweet and we had many, many wonderful times. In the Winter of 2010 he moved over to live with me and my 15 year old daughter, and it didn’t go well. He missed his home and family very much, and financially things were very hard for us. His father got sick (diagnosed with diabetes later) and I felt there was no choice but to free him to move home after 3 months, which he jumped at. I was devastated, felt betrayed, angry and desperately hurt, which I didn’t communicate to him in a healthy way.

The decision was made that I would move over to his country the following Summer, with my daughter. But things broke down between us and he disappeared, ignored me for over a week and I knew something was wrong and when I called him on it, he ended it. This was in March 2011. However within a couple of weeks he was back, saying he had made a mistake and wanted to be with me. I agreed, and the move was going ahead at some point in the future, however I hadn’t let go of my hurt and anger, both at him moving home and ending it the way he did. Also my daughter told me she would not be moving with me and it began to feel like I had to choose between him and her, and my heart was breaking, and I began to resent how easy everything seemed for him, and I felt so unsupported by him. Communication between us broke down horrendously, and it’s only in hindsight that I appreciate just how much we were drifting apart.

My last trip over there to see him, in September last year, was full of ups and downs, we had lovely times and we had bad times. But when I came home, he started to ignore me again, for 2 weeks this time before I messaged him and called him on it. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and wanted us to end. Again I was absolutely devastated, but I began to try to put my life back together again. However, he has never stopped contacting me, in all this time. I largely ignored him, but little by little I began to open up to him again. He was always wanting to remember the good times, told me that the happiest times of his life were with me, that all he is now is half of me and half of him, we were trying for a baby before we broke up and he said that if I had gotten pregnant then I would be with him in his country. I told him that it doesn’t matter anymore, because it’s over and he doesn’t love me anyway, and he said that it’s not because he didn’t love me that it ended, he said that it’s because he felt he could never be honest with me about his feelings out of fear of me getting angry and upset and he said that sometimes I looked at him like I hated him. (There is some truth in this, but he is rewriting history somewhat).

I began to think that maybe there was still some hope for us, I still love him you see. Things began to really heat up between us sexually speaking, but no talk of feelings. He has contacted me pretty much every day, full of affection and flirting. I have held back from telling him how I feel because on the one hand I feel that he broke it, and he should fix it, but also I’m terrified of being hurt again, and sometimes I just feel the situation is hopeless and that I should just let it go and walk away.
Well he booked flights to come to my country and chose dates specifically to suit me and we made lots of plans to spend time together , he brought a friend (which is a bit of a bummer) and is staying with another male friend. He is here now, and I’m so anxious and confused. We saw each other yesterday, just the two of us, and I felt that there was still something there. But the more I tried to interpret his words and actions the more doubtful I became. I don’t know if he is holding back because he’s not sure how I feel, I have been pretty cool with him, holding back from anything that might betray how I really feel. But then again maybe he just doesn’t want to be with me anymore and is just into spending some time in my company for old times sake.
One of his very close friends has recently moved to my country, and he believes that my ex is really stupid for not fighting for the relationship, but he told me that my ex had told him he was really scared about the relationship, trying for a baby and the implications of me moving to his country. The friend couldn’t be sure if my ex was still in love with me, but he said that he hoped we would get together again because he sees me as being really good for him. But he also said, he’s not sure if my ex is good for me… which is a really fair point and something I wonder about too.
Well I guess I’m telling you all this because even though part of me thinks walking away is the right thing, my feelings for him are still really strong, even almost a year after we broke up. It’s hard to move on and I still have hope. What do you think? And sorry for the length of my message, believe me I have left a lot out so as to save space 🙂

[Josafiya]

I should also add that before we broke up in March 2011 we were engaged, but when we got back together I thought we should hold off on the engagement.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are correct. You should walk away from this relationship and cut off communication with him to make it easier for you to move on.

Clearly, he isn’t interested in a serious relationship, and your daughter is being pushed and pulled emotionally, during all of this relationship tumult. You have to put her first because she’s a victim in this. So, focus on being a great mother, and if you’re going to date, choose someone who wants to be with you, is stable, and lives nearby! Don’t confuse feelings with behavior, and don’t try to justify behavior with questions about feelings. It’s just going to confuse you. 😉

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