[TraceyleeB]

Am I being selfish? I married at 20 and had two children by the time I was 21, I/ we didn’t want anymore children. Sadly my first husband died when I was nearly 27. I dates for a short period after mourning and then met my current husband, he had no children and we discussed it and it was agreed as he was taking on my two children he wanted his own so we ended up having 2 children together. This meant I have spread having my children over many years and my youngest is now only nine and I am 44. My husband is starting up a new business and it seems he will be traveling to Europe and other places while I stay home with the children I had for him. Don’t get me wrong I love my children but I am jealous and resentful because my life would be my own and I could travel and have some freedom if I had not had children with him. It was my plan to have my children young grow up with them and then start my adventure. He says he didn’t realize I was like this and I am selfish. I know myself and I don’t think I’m being selfish but this is a big deal for him and I should be supporting him but I can’t. He says he is setting us up for the future, I can’t see us having a future because I will have to sacrifice being happy for having money in the future and this is not guaranteed just someone he met has “brought” him in on a great opportunity? Is there any resolution because I’ve racked my brains and all can see is separating! 😥

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

This is fixable — if you’re both willing to compromise.

First of all, you made a deal with him to have two more children. You can’t go back on that deal. You knew when you agreed to have two children with him that they would need to be raised. So it’s very important that you accept your responsibility. This also may call for you to apologize to him for not having accepted it in prior conversations with him. And an apology will go a long way towards smoothing things over. 😉

Second of all, you’re tired of being a mother and you really would like to travel to Europe with your husband. That’s normal. All mothers get tired of being mothers and all fathers get tired of being fathers. It’s okay to be disappointed and unhappy. But that doesn’t mean you quit being a parent — or a spouse. It’s not a good reason for breaking a vow or a promise.

Third, it’s time to get creative and come up with compromises. Here are a couple of suggestions. Can you travel for some of the time with your husband and have grandparents or aunts and uncles stay with the kids? If your budget allows it, can you hire a nanny to stay with your kids while you travel with your husband? You don’t have to travel with your husband the entire time he’s away, but if you can go for two weeks, or even a week here and there, you’ll feel like you’re getting away, getting some Europe time, and getting some freedom. Another choice that some people make is to take the kids out of school to travel with you. You can even consider enrolling them in a school in Europe, or just taking an independent, educational leave (talk to your school) with the kids.

This is just a jumping off suggestion — you probably have other resources and ideas that are specific to your family that might work! Separating is a bad idea — because this reason for separation is fixable. Your kids deserve both parents and once you have them, you have to put them first — but that doesn’t mean you can’t be creative about taking care of your own needs! And even if you do separate, you’re going to be even MORE encumbered because you’ll have FULL custody of your two kids from your first marriage and at least half custody of your kids from the second marriage — meaning, you’ll have even less freedom than you do now.

Make this work. 😀

Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]

[Member]

Posts