[Anonymous]

I love my “boyfriend.” techhnically we aren’t together and haven’t been for a month. I am waiting for him to make a decision, or i’m waiting for him to be ready to be in a relationship I suppose. I’m not sure. he says he loves me, promised me he’ll marry me, that i’m the one. but he tells me he doesn’t know if he can look at me the same because i’ve gone out partying. I have gone partying once a year, literally. I’m away at a university about to graduate he’s back home going to a community college so its been mostly a long distance relationship the past three years and two months that we’ve been together. We’ve had breaks, near break ups, and a few break ups. During this months break he said he wanted to work on getting better for me, because i deserve better than how he’s been treating me. i’d told him i felt like he was putting me in the back seat, filling his time with me but nto making time for me. I went out dancing this past week once kept guys off (which had upset him once), but still he says leaves a bad taste in his mouth, doesn’t like me partying. I had already promised my friend i’d go to her party so I said that’d be my last one, so far it has been. We’ve spoken almost everyday and spent some days seeing each other while i was home. he’s been making the “rules” of engagement because i’m trying to give him his space to think. its been like we’re together except for the title. Recently, however, he told me while i was at my friends about hwo he doesn’t like my partying and he has a negative perspective, doesn’t know if he can look at me the same. we no longer tell each other i love you before hanging up, converrsations are short, about what we did that day. its draining me. i want to move forward but can’t because i’m waiting for him. he says if i love him i will. what do i do? wait for him and be patient, keep my frustration to myself? keep talking things out. or do i give him complete space? should i move on? what do i do?

[AskApril Masini]

What, exactly, is it you’re waiting for? 😕

You’ve been dating this guy for over three years, and he’s jerking you around left and right. First he tells you he loves you and wants to marry you. Then he says he can’t look at you the same way as he had because you’ve been partying (which you say is infrequent). He says he wants to work on being a better man for you — and then he starts making rules for you to be a better woman. No wonder this is draining you emotionally. 🙄

Stop waiting for the bus that isn’t coming. Your boyfriend is trying to separate from you, and is having trouble doing so. All signs point to his pulling away — not coming closer together with you. After 3 years of dating, this should not be the dynamic.

See the relationship for what it is. The water isn’t really so muddy, as you say in your title to this post. It’s actually pretty clear. He’s not treating you like he wants you and cherishes you. He’s acting like a guy who wants out, but is going to make a big mess until either he finds the courage to quit you, or makes you miserable enough to quit him.

Do both of yourselves a favor: move on. You deserve a lot more in a relationship than this! 🙂 After 3 years, your relationship should be a lot more intimate and supportive than what you describe here. Get out there, play the dating game, and leave this current boyfriend alone to figure out his own life. You [i]can[/i] find love, fun and happiness — just not in this relationship.

Good luck!

[Member]

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