[michellegw]

Okay, so I am currently “dating” a guy that I’ve known for about 10 years. We only recently began our relationship in the last several months, sometime around February or so. Other than that, we have been the best of friends throughout the last decade. He is quite a bit older than me (14 years), but I don’t see that as a the problem or a problem at all actually. The issue that I’m starting to realize that I have with this relationship, is that I don’t feel that “in love” feeling for him, like I think that should just come naturally. Like in other words, I adore him, he treats me like gold, we would do anything for each other, and I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him in my life. However, the problem I am feeling inside is that I don’t feel completely attracted to him…like I sometimes find myself avoiding intimacy altogether, whereas I normally would be so attracted to my partner, I would find it difficult to not be intimate. However, he is completely attracted to me and loves me to death…would marry me tomorrow if I would say yes….and I would…I mean if that whole physical attraction was there like I feel it should be. So, before things go any further as far as our relationship goes, I need to figure out how and what to say to him, to let him know that I just can’t go on like this, without hurting his feelings or making myself look vain…does that make sense? Like I know that physical attraction is not the most important thing, but it is definitely important enough that it has to be there, or you will never be fully satisfied in that relationship.

Please help!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I wish you had told me your ages! It always helps when posters tell me how old they are. 🙁

But given what you have written, there are two pieces of advice I can give you. First of all, physical attraction is important in a relationship because a healthy sex life is an integral part of long term, monogamous relationships, which is what I assume you want. That said, it may be something you need to work at if there are other parts of the relationship that are very positive and that keep you wanting to be with him. Many women think that sex and sexual feelings should just “happen” but the reality is that women’s sexuality is complicated and being in the mood has to do with other things in your life besides just being in a room with a sexy guy. How you feel about yourself is a huge factor in your sex life. If you feel sexy and you feel like you want to be sexy, you’re going to be a lot more receptive to a man you love but aren’t feeling bells and whistles for at a particular moment. So my advice is that you work on yourself and your own image of yourself as a sexual being. Grooming, fragrance, lingerie and all the “tools” that you have at your disposal to make you feel more sexual will help. In addition, I’ve written a book called Romantic Date Ideas, that you can buy and download here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url], will help set the scene and get you in the mood.

So if you can use this opportunity to explore your own sexual feelings and your relationship reaps the benefits, then I think you’ll find your problem at hand melt away. 😉

The second piece of advice I have is that after doing the work above, you still just don’t feel attracted to him after dating the couple of months you have, then you need to let go and move on. It isn’t fair to either one of you — assuming you’re both young — to sacrifice your sex life because you’re not compatible. There are lots of ways that people need to be compatible to make a relationship work, and I think in your case, mutual attraction is important.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes — and please join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

Posts