[Acens]

Hello,

I met this girl 2 weeks ago and I felt this unbelievable pull towards her. And during the time I saw her I had a feeling she liked me too.
Here is where things go difficult. I met this girl during a seminar and I was there with my roommate. During the seminar they didn’t talk much.
After the seminar they started to talk more. We don’t live in the same town. At first this didn’t bother me, but then I started to see that she favors my roommate (talks to him more, tries to keep the conversation going, flirts, answers to him first). I asked about what kind of guys does she like. All the things that she said were more accurate when describing me than my roommate. But for some reason she still favors him. I got jealous and asked her if she liked me or my roommate. She said that at the moment she likes both of us as friends.

Since I still saw signs that it is not true I took an opportunity to read my roommates conversation with this girl (that is how I know they are flirting and that she shows more interest to keep conversation going). All of these things she doesn’t do with me and when I try to flirt she basically blocks my attempts.

When I read their conversation it clearly showed that she likes him more than just a friend. Because of my jealousy I told her that I read their conversation. She wasn’t angry but she thought it was funny. So I told her that I saw how she flirts with him, but not with me. And she denied it that it is just for fun and it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t think that a girl would flirt (about sleeping together or taking a shower together) if she doesn’t mean it.
She also said that all of these other sign mean nothing. That she doesn’t like my roommate and even said that she thinks that my roommate doesn’t like her. But this I knew was something that she thought I want to hear.

After that I kind of believed her but since there was no change in her behavior I realized that all that she had said was a lie.
So for a few days I brought these topics up again and she denied again and then we talked about other things. We have talked many times on the phone and skyped two times. Her willingness to have this things with me I think is a good sign, even though rest of what she is doing shows otherwise.

Few days ago her and my roommate met and this day was especially hard for me. I tried to keep myself busy but it didn’t help. In the evening I asked if my roommate is on his way back and she said that “No” and maybe stays for the night. Since We had planned that I visit her also on the next weekend and she said that I can’t stay for the night. This really hurt me. Later it became clear that she and my roommate were making fun of me with this and my roommate was coming back. I also asked her if they kissed and she said no. It was hard to believe since it is clear they both like each other.

So after that I asked her to talk things out on the phone. So we did. She told me that there is a change she is getting back together with her ex. I respected that also and just tried to help her come to decision. She also said that I can’t talk about it to my roommate. It was clear that she is afraid that my roommate might stop pursuing her. A sign that if she wouldn’t like him she wouldn’t care. All the things she said I thought that she was truthful. At least it looked that way at first. But on the same night she led me to believe that she is going to sleep but actually started talking to my roommate via text messages. This was when i realized that she lied.

This also lead me to read their conversation again (i promised her that i wouldn’t). Now I saw that she had showed my jealous text to my roommate and also had said to him that I read their conversation. I had previously asked her about that if she did but she denied categorically. She is still flirting with him and is eager to talk to him. All of these things that she denies when I asked her. So I told her again that we need to talked about why she is lying to me. But all this conversation did was make her cry and sad and hurt. It really looks like she cares about me but on the other hand it is the opposite. She ended a call a few times even and tried to deny all of her lies even after I said that I saw what they had wrote. And also when I asked just questions about what she thinks about our conversations and relationship then most of it she tried avoid and didn’t give a direct answers. I did’t say that she is now allowed to prefer my roommate or so, but I just wanted to know why she is lying to me and acts with me so differently. In the end we agreed on some things. She said that she doesn’t actually want me to stop talking to her. The things that we agreed on were:
1. I don’t mention my roommate anymore.
2. I try to not talk about these jealousy topics.
3. We try to learn at least one new thing about each other every day.
4. She tries to be honest with me.

We have talked about relationship and she said that she is not over her ex yet. And she need at least 2-3 months. And I respect that. I told her that I am ready to wait. The only thing is that during that time we should try to learn more about each other. To that she said that that she is doing it, but actually she is not. She doesn’t ask me almost any questions that are about me. In the end she said that she is that kind of person who doesn’t ask a lot of questions. I knew that it was a lie cause she is like this with me but not with my roommate. The good thing is that their conversation is very shallow and most of the time they talked about pointless things and the conversations had now real meaning. Cause I don’t like to have meaningless conversations I avoid it. I also asked what she likes more and she said that meaningful conversations are better. And this is one more reason why I don’t understand why she prefers my roommate.

She also said that she doesn’t like when guys only want her because of her looks. And since I know my roommate well and also he had talked about his past relationships I know that he doesn’t care about her really but only because of her looks. I also said this to her but she didn’t take me seriously. Even though she had asked what he liked about her, only things that she said were about looks. It is weird that she denies all of it and is like blind about these things.

At this moment when I’m writing this she is talking with my roommate on the phone.

Also a good thing is that she has not cancelled my visit this weekend.

I don’t know what to think and how to act or even what to say anymore. I feel like I am just a burden to her but for some reason she doesn’t want to let go. After all these things I have said to her, blame her for lying, made her cry and sad and all this jealousy, she still doesn’t say to fuck off and leave her alone. Most of the other girls have done it the first time.
I have tried to contain my jealousy, but when I’m at home and see how she talks with my roommate (answers her faster, answers to my roommate but not to me, shows interest in conversations and so on) it is near impossible not to be sad and jealous.

I have clearly said and showed my affection for her and she have looked to be flattered. I also have been trying to be a bit romantic by showing my feelings for her with pictures and emojis.

So my question is that what does all of this mean? Is she interested or not? Does she just plays with my feelings? Why would she be so different with me and still saying that she is like that with everyone when she is clearly not. Why would she still want to talk with me after all of these things? Why would she so desperately deny all the things I know she was lying about? Why would she still care about if I trust her or not if she doesn’t actually like me. Why would she want me in her life? Is there something I can do to fix the damage I have done?

I hope that you can help me so all of this would be clearer. At the moment I’m afraid to do anything and I don’t want to lose her (though it seems that I already screwed up too much).

Thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]So my question is that what does all of this mean? Is she interested or not?[/quote]

No. She’s not interested in you 🙁

[quote] Does she just plays with my feelings? [/quote]

I don’t really think that she’s playing with your feelings. She’s rejecting them, but she’s not playing with them.

[quote]Why would she be so different with me and still saying that she is like that with everyone when she is clearly not. [/quote]

Because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings more than they already are.

[quote]Why would she still want to talk with me after all of these things? [/quote]

I think it’s because she’s being civil to you.

[quote]Why would she so desperately deny all the things I know she was lying about? [/quote]

Because she doesn’t want you to know they’re true and/or because she doesn’t want to discuss them with you.

[quote]Why would she still care about if I trust her or not if she doesn’t actually like me. [/quote]

I think she likes you as a friend, but not more than that.

[quote]Why would she want me in her life?[/quote]

I think she sees you as a friend.

[quote] Is there something I can do to fix the damage I have done?[/quote]

YES! 🙂 First thing you can do is to stop playing defense and start playing offense. Instead of asking her why she doesn’t like you, flirt with her! 😎 Women like men who are confident, sexy, funny, smart and interesting. Be those things. 😀 Second, stop reading her text conversations. Focus on other things in life. Flirt with other women. Play the field and when she sees that other women find you attractive, she may, too! Lots of times women want what they can’t have, and if she feels you’re out of reach she may want you more. 😉 And lastly, if you want something, you should go for it. Bring your A game, and don’t complain — just work harder to win her over. 🙂 I think that if you change your mindset and your behavior, you’ll have a much better shot at her — and other women, too. 🙂

[Acens]

Thank you for your answers.

I would still like to asked some help it would be easier to to these things you recommended.

1. As I said that she is blocking my attempts to flirt. So should I just keep flirting with her and hope that some day she will flirt back? Or is the certain way or some tips how I should flirt with her in this situation?

2. Does this mean anything that she hasn’t actually told me that she had friend zoned me (I asked her that)? And she also said that she doesn’t like my roommate in a romantic way (Why would she lie about that?).

3. You said that she might be lying because she doesn’t want to talk to me about these things. She has talked to me about very personal and even intimate things (things that she hasn’t or doesn’t want to tell to my roommate). So Why would she talk to me about all this but not about our relationship, how she feel and what she expects?

4. I am very jealous, especially at home where I see how actively she responds to my roommate. I have tried keeping myself busy but it didn’t help very much. Do you have some tips how to deal with all these jealous feelings and how to suppress them when they come up?

5. Thing that I’m most nervous about is this weekend when I should visit her if she doesn’t cancel. How should I act, of course I will compliment her and make her feel special. Should I be straight forward about my feelings for her (trying to hold her hand or putting my arm around her, trying to kiss her)? I think that kissing her on the mouth might me to much at the moment. But I’ve been thinking that kissing her on the forehead might not, but still shows that I care for her.
Other choice is to act as a friend and keep a physical connection to minimum. But I think that this does not help my cause of winning her over.
What do you think, what I should do? When you said that I should go for what I want then I think that first way is better.

Sorry for so many questions, but I’m so confused and you are the only person who can help me make some sense in all this.

Thank you again 😀

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]1. As I said that she is blocking my attempts to flirt. So should I just keep flirting with her and hope that some day she will flirt back? Or is the certain way or some tips how I should flirt with her in this situation?[/quote]

I’m not sure what you mean by “blocking” your attempts to flirt. If she doesn’t flirt back, then move on. 😉 If someone isn’t interested in you, you have to balance trying to win them over, by changing or upping your game, with playing the field and keeping your options open, so you’re not hyper-focused on one person.

[quote]2. Does this mean anything that she hasn’t actually told me that she had friend zoned me (I asked her that)? [/quote]

If you have to ask if you’re friend zoned, you are friend zoned. She’s not interested in dating you. She’s trying to make that clear. You’re intellectualizing the rejection and trying to leverage it into acceptance. 🙁

[quote]And she also said that she doesn’t like my roommate in a romantic way (Why would she lie about that?). [/quote]

Because she doesn’t want to discuss it with you. And I’m going to try to say this in a nice way — how she feels about other men isn’t really your business, and you shouldn’t be talking to her about it because it’s intrusive. If she wants to bring it up herself, you should listen and be interested, but if she doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t push. 😉

[quote]3. You said that she might be lying because she doesn’t want to talk to me about these things. She has talked to me about very personal and even intimate things (things that she hasn’t or doesn’t want to tell to my roommate). So Why would she talk to me about all this but not about our relationship, how she feel and what she expects?[/quote]

Because she doesn’t want to. 😉 It’s not that complicated. Stop over-thinking, and just accept her boundaries. If she doesn’t want to talk about something, be understanding and respect her privacy. Focus on what does work — not on what doesn’t work. 🙂

[quote]4. I am very jealous, especially at home where I see how actively she responds to my roommate. I have tried keeping myself busy but it didn’t help very much. Do you have some tips how to deal with all these jealous feelings and how to suppress them when they come up? [/quote]

Sure! 😀 You can be out of the house more — for instance, get a job, get a second job, volunteer, take classes, join a gym — there are tons of things you can do to keep yourself out of the house so you’re not subjecting yourself to what makes you jealous. But another way to go is to find someone to date, yourself, instead of coveting your roommate’s relationship with this one woman. There are millions of women out there — don’t focus on one who isn’t interested in you. 🙂 Find one who is! And if those things don’t work, get a new roommate!

[quote]5. Thing that I’m most nervous about is this weekend when I should visit her if she doesn’t cancel. How should I act, of course I will compliment her and make her feel special. Should I be straight forward about my feelings for her (trying to hold her hand or putting my arm around her, trying to kiss her)? I think that kissing her on the mouth might me to much at the moment. But I’ve been thinking that kissing her on the forehead might not, but still shows that I care for her.
Other choice is to act as a friend and keep a physical connection to minimum. But I think that this does not help my cause of winning her over.
What do you think, what I should do? When you said that I should go for what I want then I think that first way is better.[/quote]

Hmmmm…. if you like this woman, and you’re going to visit her, make it a date! Tell her you’ll pick her up and take her out to lunch or dinner. Find a movie or a zoo to visit. Have a great time. Flirt with her. DO NOT tell her how you feel. Show her, instead. 😎

[Acens]

Thank you for your hursh but honest words. I really appreciate it.

One thing still wasn’t clear. About showing her how i feel. Are these things that i mentioned in the last post (kissing and holding hands etc.) okay to try in my situation (i mean being in a friend zone)? I don’t want to mess this up more than i already have.

[AskApril Masini]

Holding hands and kissing are great ways to show your affection — but I think that you’re focusing on showing her how you feel…. and what’s missing is to [i]get her to want you[/i]. 😉 So, why not try to win her over? 😎 When you get a woman to want you, the holding hands and kissing seem very natural. It almost feels like you’re jumping the gun and then feeling like you have to do damage control. Slow things down. Get to know each other — and in doing so, show her the you that is the great boyfriend she’ll want to have. 😀

[Acens]

I really feel that i have to take a change and jump the gun. This very much looks that this weekend could be the only change to show her how i feel. And since i have already messed up a lot i kinda need to do damage control.

Other thing about getting to know each other is that she isn’t investing herself into getting to know me. I can ask her queations and all that but this won’t make her know me more.

Is there a way to get her to invest more in this situation ( i know that it will come when she gets attracted to me)? At least when we see each other face to face.

[AskApril Masini]

If she’s not into you, then you should figure out why, and overcome that challenge. You have to win her over, and to do this, you have to strategize. Just like you would if you were trying to win a tennis game or ace an exam. Know the goal, figure out how to achieve it, and then execute. If you want her to like you, then you have to be the guy she wants as her boyfriend. I’m not saying you should be someone you’re not, but if you’re shy, then try overcoming shyness by practicing small talk and flirting. If you’re a 98 pound weakling and she’s into athletes, find a sport that you can be good at, like running or tennis and get good at that. If she likes funny guys, then be funny. If she likes successful guys, then accomplish something. If she likes handsome or well dressed guys, then be that guy. Instead of imposing yourself on her, entice her with what she wants, what she likes, and she will want more of. Make the date this weekend romantic, interesting and fun — and leave her wanting more, not less. Bring her flowers when you show up. Take her somewhere great. And make this a date that she’s going to remember in the best possible way.

Hope that helps!!

[Acens]

Thank you for your help. It would have certainly helped.

Unfortunately she cancelled the weekend. Said that suddenly she has a dance practice and friend’s birthday on Saturday and on Sunday she has some kind of dance performance. She said that she feels bad because of it but i don’t think she meant it.
Also i asked if she would be free next weekend and again she said she doesn’t know and we have to wait and see.

This the second time when she waited to give me an answer if she is free and then cancelled. With my roommate she has not done that.

So i think that it is basically game over for me. If she would be interested in meeting with me (she said she does want to see me) she would find the time. I don’t like that she doesn’t say it out that she doesn’t want to meet me. Even if i would ask her to tell me if she actually doesn’t want to meet me than she would just deny it and say she does.

Feels like dead circle.

[AskApril Masini]

If you look at the advice I gave you the first time you wrote here — I think you’ll see it was pretty good advice. You weren’t ready to take it, and that’s okay — everybody has to figure out things in their own time, but if you re-read it, I think it may resonate differently today, for you, than it did at first.

Time to move on!

[Acens]

Thank you for your advice.

I guess i have to move on even though it will be very hard in this situation.

[AskApril Masini]

I know it’s painful to suffer rejection, but the good news is that you only met this woman a month ago and didn’t date — so this isn’t a girlfriend or a longterm relationship — it’s someone you just met and wanted to date. And while it’s no fun to be rejected, it allows you to move on and find someone who’s true interested in you! I think that one of the best lessons in front of you is to play the field and not to put all your eggs in one basket before you’ve even dated someone — or certainly, if you are dating her — during the first three months of dating, where you’re really just getting to know each other, and seeing if you want to continue dating.

Please feel free to ask me any other questions you might have — and read back over this string of posts to see if there’s anything you see now, that you didn’t a when you first wrote.

[AskApril Masini]

So, how did it go? Are you moving forward?

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve been investing emotionally in this situation, and how confusing and painful it’s become. What’s really clear is that you’ve developed strong feelings for her very quickly, and your emotions have been amplified by jealousy and uncertainty. From the way you describe it, she’s not reciprocating your romantic interest, even though she’s maintaining contact. That contact may feel like hope, but in reality, it’s mostly about her being friendly and perhaps enjoying attention, not about building a romantic connection with you. This mismatch between your feelings and her intentions is creating a cycle of anxiety, jealousy, and over-analysis, which is completely normal in a situation like this, but very hard to sit with.

Another thing that jumps out is the way you’re trying to “win her over” by controlling interactions or seeking validation like reading her texts or analyzing her every word and action. That can feel like taking action, but it’s actually feeding the stress and making the dynamic more unbalanced. From her perspective, she doesn’t owe you romantic interest, and your attempts to manage or influence her feelings might feel invasive, even if your intentions are genuine. The core reality here is that attraction can’t be forced, and when one person isn’t interested, the healthiest step is to redirect your energy toward people who are receptive to you.

I also see how much you’re fixated on her behavior with your roommate. It’s understandable that this triggers jealousy, but focusing on it gives her more power over your emotions. Her choices and attentions toward others are her own, and you cannot control them. What you can control is your response stepping back emotionally, creating boundaries, and prioritizing your self-respect. The pattern you’ve described canceled plans, vague commitments, and denial is a strong signal that she’s not prioritizing you romantically.

It’s tempting to want to salvage this connection, especially because you’ve put so much effort into it, but sometimes the most courageous and loving thing you can do for yourself is to accept reality and step away. That doesn’t mean you have to hate her or cut off all contact immediately, but it does mean adjusting expectations: see her as a friend at most, or as someone you admire from afar, and focus your romantic energy elsewhere. Moving on doesn’t erase your feelings instantly, but it protects your heart from ongoing hurt and gives you space to meet someone who is genuinely interested.

I want to highlight the silver lining: you’re learning very early on about boundaries, self-respect, and reading people’s intentions clearly. Even though this hurts, these are lessons that will strengthen your future relationships. Your sensitivity, attentiveness, and capacity for deep feelings are strengths, but they need to be invested in someone who reciprocates them. Holding on to a situation where your affection isn’t returned only prolongs pain. Moving forward with self-respect, patience, and openness to new connections will bring you far more fulfillment than chasing someone who isn’t invested.

[Aida Omar]

Wow, April, you answered in the right detail, and I learned a lot from it too.
Acens, from here, you get the idea that the girl is not interested in you at all, and the girl knows that you are crazy about her, so she is taking you for granted. As long as you chase her, she will go to someone else. Stop talking to her immediately.
And AskApril was right. Go to the gym, focus on your work, and personality. When you improve yourself and meet other girls, maybe this girl will come back, or you will find someone better.
April, I have a similar problem. I like a boy. Earlier, he used to talk to me nicely, and we used to go on dates, but gradually his interest in me has disappeared.
We still talk, but he doesn’t talk to me properly. Whenever he talks, I get frustrated like he’s confused. Now tell me what I should do?
Please give me an expert advice

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