[ashland55]

I was recently informed that my wife had an affair with my brother about 15 yrs. ago. Turns out his wife discovered it, they dealt with it but I never knew. I struggled with the information for awhile then finally confronted my wife. She denied it, of course, and told me I should believe her. I can not confront my brother, I know he would deny it. Ever since I confronted my wife about it, she has now become a different person sexually. Very loving, uninhibited, adventurous, even doing things she never considered before and she’s initiating it. My gut feeling is she is over compensating to make me believe her. Am I wrong to think this?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Who told you that your wife had an affair with your brother?

How long have you and your wife been married?

How old are you both?

Do you have children?

Is there any history of infidelity between the two of you?

[ashland55]

A close cousin who my sister in law confided in.
41 years
61
Yes, gone out of the house.
I suspected her several times over the years but nothing concrete. I traveled for work a lot.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When people’s behavior changes, it’s always for a reason, and you’re right to suspect that her change in sexual behavior towards you, is for [i]some[/i] reason. Since you haven’t mentioned anything other than the fact that you recently confronted her about her alleged affair, as a possibility for her change in behavior, I think you’re right that that is why she’s behaving differently. So, I guess that answers the question you posed in the body of your question.

As for your title question, let’s look at the problem: Not only do you suspect her of betraying your marriage, with your brother, but, if that’s true, she’s now lying to you, too, which compounds the problem. I know betrayal is awful, but the lying is almost worse. My advice is to sit with her again, and explain everything to her. Tell her that you really need to know the truth — because right now, the truth is a third party told you something that you suspect may be true — and while you sound convincing to me, I’m not there, and maybe it isn’t true. It would be a shame to accuse her of something she didn’t do. But since this problem is on the table, you two really need to talk this out.

Also, understand that when this kind of thing happens, it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. I’m not blaming you, but if you talk to your wife and put her on the defense, you’re going to get less information — and ultimately, if you’re right, less healing — than if you try (I know this is hard) to be understanding of how this might have happened. When you say you travel a lot, is it fair that she might feel neglected? How has your sex life been? Your romantic life? Is there a part you can play in getting her to open up? Can you admit your disappointment in how things have been of late?

I hope you see where I’m going with this. When a betrayal occurs in a marriage — especially in a long term marriage like yours — it is either an opportunity for a big rift or for healing and making the marriage stronger than before.

So don’t give up on talking to her and being as honest as YOU can in an attempt to get her to be as honest as she can. This is a process.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[ashland55]

Well this didn’t go as expected I guess. I tried to open a discussion on the matter and she just said ” I told you nothing happened, let it go”. I was tempted to tell her more of the details that I knew but that would tip off where I got the information. I promised that person I would not involve them. I then tried to ask her where the change in sexual friskiness has came from but that just got a “don’t you enjoy it” question. I do enjoy it but I’m stuck with this image of her being with and doing this stuff with him. I realize it’s been a long time but it eats at me. Just don’t know how to or how much to, pursue it. I really don’t know what I would do if she did confess but should I push for it?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re going to have to tell her where you heard this information (and let the person who told you know that although they don’t want to be involved, it’s not possible to keep that from your wife any more), in an effort to tell her that you know SHE wants to drop the subject, but it’s too upsetting to you to drop just yet. As long as you’re holding in your feelings and withholding information from her, you’re going to be very uncomfortable. However…. if you’re okay letting things go as they are, then you should.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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