[ReidHouse]

Last night I finally got my S/O to talk to me about how he truly feels about our relationship.

We have been together for only a year and 8 months, but we have a daughter turning one, another child on the way, and live together with our kids from our previous relationships.

For the majority of our relationship, I have intuitively known something was wrong. I have questioned it, and allowed myself to justify his actions through his response and wanting to remain committed to having this relationship work.

Last night, he finally opened up and told me that he is not happy, that he doesn’t want to live together, that he doesn’t want a relationship. I asked him why hes not happy, and his response was the same – that he doesn’t want to be here. I ask him if he’s interested in me, he says you are awesome, bearable, I tolerate you. I ask him what would make him happy – he says I appreciate the questions because it shows me you really want to make this work, but I don’t want you to make me happy, I want you to make you happy.

Well I’m not happy in the relationship, because his actions towards me show that he doesn’t want it, and now he is confirming it with words.

In the same breath, he’s telling me that he stays because one day things might work between us. That one day everything will just work and everyone will be happy without trying.

My confusion is that he is telling me he doesn’t want to work on it, yet he anticipates things will magically get better “one day”.

I know that I want to be committed to making this relationship work – I have no intention on ever being with anyone else. We are not married, but I’ve made a commitment to myself, him and our kids that this is it. But I know I can not stay and be unhappy. My heart is telling me to pack my belongings and leave, but there’s this last piece where he says he wants things to stay as is because it may get better one day, that has me wondering what exactly he means.

What conclusion am I supposed to come to? Is there a way to save my family?

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both? How many other kids are involved, and what are their ages?

[ReidHouse]

I am 28, he is 41. There are 5 kids aged 10, 9, 8, 6 and 10 months, and I’m 6 months pregnant.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Very helpful. Thank you.

I get that you want to save your family — but you can’t save something that doesn’t exist. I think that what you really want is to keep your family under one roof, but the reality is that you’ve got 5 kids, counting the baby who is due in a few months, and I’m not sure if you share custody with his ex or if any of those 4 other kids are yours with another guy, but if you do, that’s at least 1 other co-parent — meaning you have an enormous number of relationships involved, and parenting kids who are 6, 8, 9, 10 and one on the way, in addition to providing for them financially, is going to be a lot more work than it is fun for anyone. That he wants to leave now — while you’re pregnant — means he’s not very committed. But that’s not a surprise to you. I know you want to hold things together, and you’re looking to me to tell you how to do so, but if he won’t work on the relationship and doesn’t want to stay, you can’t make him.

My advice is to accept the reality that he’s got one foot out the door and that you don’t know when the other shoe will drop. I know that’s difficult, but it sounds like that’s been the relationship dynamic the entire time you’ve been together. You can focus on taking care of the kids that you’re raising, and do what you can given the commitment you have, to create a family home. Know where your lines in the sand are, as well. For instance, if he starts dating someone else, will you stay? If he stops working and stops providing, will you stay? If this goes on for a certain period of time (a year, two years), will you stay? In other words, try and come up with a plan for yourself.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[ReidHouse]

Thank you.

I am not sure he was telling me he wants to leave. It sounded as if he was telling me he’s not happy, but he’d rather stay and be unhappy for the prospect of things working one day, then to leave and ruin the chance. Its like he doesn’t want the expectations of a relationship but wants to remain living together if that makes sense.

My question was really whether or not doing that would benefit the relationship.

As for myself, I agree with you saying to develop my own plan. I do not agree with staying together for the children, although my biggest pain here is the inability to give my children a two-parent home.

My plan is to move me and my kids out as soon as possible (two are my own, plus one is ours). I don’t think our relationship was ready for cohabitation, and I know not living together would alleviate much of our stress. It would be up to him whether or not he wants to continue the actual relationship in this manner.

He says there is no one else, and same as I feel, he has no interest in getting into another relationship, so I don’t know if he just needs time and space to process his own issues.

[AskApril Masini]

I think I got the idea that he wants to leave when you wrote that he said “he doesn’t want to live together” and you went on to write that he said “he doesn’t want to be here”. To me that means he wants to leave. 😕 I know this is disappointing.

Because you have children together you’re always going to have a relationship, so when you ask if it will better the relationship, my question is, which relationship are you talking about? It will probably make you better co-parents, and your relationship as co-parents may improve without the stress of trying to keep a romantic relationship together, but I don’t think that separating will heal your romantic relationship. When a guy doesn’t want to live with you, and there are children involved, it’s usually because he wants to date other people.

You asked if he needs time and space to process his own issues — and I’d tell you that at age 41 with 4 children with at least 2 women — this is who he is. He’s not a planner. He’s not someone who is interested in structure. He’s into feelings, and it’s very difficult to raise a family with someone who is committed to his own emotions more than he is a grand plan with a girlfriend/wife and children as a priority. So, no, I don’t think the time and space will help your romance but it will help your co-parenting relationship.

I hope that helps.

[ReidHouse]

OK. I get that part. Which is why I’m 90% sure I’m leaving.

My confusion is why he does stay if he doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t want to live here. He knew he didn’t want to live here before he moved here, and yet he showed up with all his belongings and children announced. We have even taken the first steps to buying a house.

I also said “in the same breath, he’s telling me that he stays because one day things might work between us. That one day everything will just work and everyone will be happy without trying.”

Yes he’s telling me I don’t want this, yet he’s NOT leaving.

[ReidHouse]

I’m sorry, that should have read he showed up unannounced.

[AskApril Masini]

He showed up on your doorstep with his children, unannounced. Expect him to leave the same way. 😳 This isn’t a man who makes plans for a solid future and executes them.

I know that you said you’re confused because he says he wants to leave and hasn’t, but you wrote:

[quote]…he is not happy, that he doesn’t want to live together, that he doesn’t want a relationship. I asked him why hes not happy, and his response was the same – that he doesn’t want to be here. I ask him if he’s interested in me, he says you are awesome, bearable, I tolerate you…[/quote]

😕

If you call that staying, then, yes — he’s here for now. But when he tells you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and then goes house hunting with you, you should be as wary of his goodwill as when he has 2 children with you in 20 months, and then says he doesn’t want to be with you. 😳 There’s no secret or hidden message here. He’s here now…. and he doesn’t want to be. The other shoe will drop…. it’s just a matter of when.

I hope that helps answer your questions. Let me know if you have any more. And if you do write again, fill me in on his other kids — and his relationships with their mother/s. That might help!

[ReidHouse]

Thanks, I understand what you are saying – he will leave in time.

I just still feel like part of him feels it can get better in time, perhaps if we learn to accept each other? He doesn’t want to change, and he’s not telling me what I need to change – because he doesn’t want to change me. Which I guess is fair.

He actually has 7 kids total, and 5 kids mothers, including myself. 2 of the kids are now grown and on their own, and the 2 highschoolers recently moved to their maternal grandmothers home. We have the youngest two and our daughter (plus my kids). He has always been the main custodial parent for his kids, as their mother’s are not the most fit. However, he has maintained extremely good relations with them, which is actually a main source of our tension.

They have their own families, and whether or not they want him is irrelevant because I know he doesn’t want them. However, his willingness to do for them leaves me feeling pushed to the side lots of times. It is also part of his discomfort in that he is used to them being able to pop in his house at anytime, for any reason, and this is not something I am willing to accept in my house. I also take issue with his adults sons mothers trying to play a step-mother role in my child’s life. She plays this role in his youngest children’s lives, and while the relationship is already established, it is something i have had no other choice but to accept. However, I do not think it is necessary for her to be in my daughter’s life. He feels that if it benefits the kids it shouldn’t matter. I question the motive for her doing so.

[AskApril Masini]

He’s 41 years old with 7 children by 5 women? 😯

Why are his two teenagers living with one of the teenager’s’ maternal mother’s mother instead of with him? Or their mothers?

And why doesn’t he want his two oldest kids who are adults? Very curious…. What is it that he does for them that makes you feel pushed aside?

I don’t think you’re wrong in not wanting “pop in” visits by his adult kids, but it sounds like this is something that he can explain to them and they should be able to call if they want to visit, and ask if it’s a good time to do so, or not. That’s just simple manners. 😉

And why don’t you want his daughter in law in your children’s lives? Isn’t she the aunt?

It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than just the simple question of why does he say one thing and do another… 😕

[ReidHouse]

[quote]Why are his two teenagers living with one of the teenager’s’ maternal mother’s mother instead of with him? Or their mothers? [/quote]

The teenagers have the same mother. The live with their grandmother. The oldest of the two was sent to boarding school overseas last year as a preventative measure regarding the behavior he was exhibiting – however, he did not like it and his mother brought him back home over the summer, against his fathers wishes. The younger of the two moved to my house when his father did, however, he didn’t adjust, and with his brother back, he moved to live with him. They stay with the grandmother because the mother does not have space in her home for them. They are not doing well socially away from their father, and I know he is hurt by their leaving. They both lived with him prior to all this.

[quote]And why doesn’t he want his two oldest kids who are adults? Very curious…. What is it that he does for them that makes you feel pushed aside?
[/quote]

I didn’t mean to give you the impression that he doesn’t want them – I was saying they are adults and live on their own, therefore they are not a huge factor in our relationship. He does things for his kids mother’s, particularly the oldest child’s mother and the youngest two (these two have the same mother). It makes me feel pushed to the side when an event comes up regarding the younger kids, and he would invite the oldest kid’s mother, but not invite me. Or at these events he is immersed in conversation with them, and I’m feeling like a tag along. Or, he does things like transport them around because they don’t have transportation, or fix things in their homes. I feel like the mother’s expect from him as if he is still their man, but he refuses to see it that way, because he feels that its for the kids.

[quote]I don’t think you’re wrong in not wanting “pop in” visits by his adult kids, but it sounds like this is something that he can explain to them and they should be able to call if they want to visit, and ask if it’s a good time to do so, or not. That’s just simple manners. 😉 [/quote]

I was talking about the mothers in this instance – I truly wouldn’t really have a problem if his kids showed up, although prior notice would be helpful. But it is the mothers that he feels should be able to come to the house whenever, for whatever, if even just to waste time before going somewhere else. And while I could tell me telling him I didn’t want them here at all (unless it had something to do with the children) bothered him deeply, I asked as you’ve suggested, that I can at least be told they were coming, and that they would respect my house (not just walk through the door and travel through my home freely).

[quote]And why don’t you want his daughter in law in your children’s lives? Isn’t she the aunt? [/quote]

Here, I was referring to his oldest child’s mother – his ex. I don’t understand why she plays a role in the children’s lives when she was the first mother, and therefore never the step-mother to any of them. Yet she has assumed the role.

I hope this was clearer. I know with all the relationships involved it is complicated.

[AskApril Masini]

He has a web of complicated relationships with a lot of people, and has made some questionable choices. I hope you will do what you can to protect yourself and your children from the chaos that seems to be normal for him. 😕

[ReidHouse]

🙂 Thanks April.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

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