[Tash67]

I’ll be completely honest, I’m pretty new to the particular kind of relationship I’m currently finding myself in. I’ve only ever been in one long term relationship before, which I ended for the sake of my sanity and my dignity nearly two years ago. After it ended, I lost all faith in my ability to judge a person’s character accurately, and decided I wasn’t going to waste my time looking for another relationship only to get hurt again.
For the sake of laying all my cards on the table and hopefully making some kind of sense, I’ll start from the beginning.
I met my current partner (for lack of a better word) about 8 or 9 months ago when the security company he works for took over the security contract for the building I work in. I remember being introduced to him, and can very clearly remember thinking at the time that he made some serious eye contact while allowing the handshake to linger a little longer than I’m used to. Still feeling insecure from my previous relationship, I brushed it off and assumed he was just overly friendly (or even a little on the weird side).
It’s all in the job description for the security team to make the rounds and check in on everyone throughout the day, but it soon become pretty obvious to both myself and my coworkers that he was not only making more frequent visits to our department, but was also more likely to spend longer chatting to us if I was on duty that day. I won’t lie, I did flirt from the start, but then, I tend to flirt with everyone; it’s something of an automatic response for me sometimes. Soon enough I was finding that he was bringing me coffees and energy drinks when I needed them, and checking in on me more often on days that I was unexpectedly working alone.
I started to suspect maybe there was a little something going on that, after mentioning it to my colleagues, was obvious to everyone but me from the start. It was several months later that, on a random Saturday, seemingly out of the blue, he made the most visits to my department than ever before, and seemed to be doing all that he could to scope out whether I was single or not (for example, asking me if I’d woken up on the wrong side of someone else’s bed, as I was a touch cranky that day about my overflowing in-tray), and dropping hints all day, before finally seeming to be working up the courage to write his personal number down and handed it to me, telling me he’d love to see how much he could make me giggle over drinks (I am a HORRIBLE giggler and it was a common joke between us).
Partially out of curiosity, and also because I hadn’t had anything in the way of a social life for close to a year and figured it couldn’t hurt, I accepted, and we went out to watch the sunset on the beach. And admittedly we didn’t just talk the whole time.
He was and still is a gentleman (though perhaps one whose pocket watch is tarnished and his top hat is a little dusty), and as he was dropping me home, we sat talking a little longer in the car. We discussed what we wanted, and he straight up admitted he was not interested in a girlfriend, but rather a no strings attached, friends with benefit scenario. I told him I had never tried that before, but my previous relationship had essentially been nothing more than that anyway, with my ex getting all the benefits while I forked out constantly. After talking some more, he told me I could tell him no, and he’d respect it, and we’d stay friends, but by the end of the night after he’d left, I’d already made up my mind and let him know I was up for it.
We do see each other almost every day at work, but there has never been any awkwardness between us, and we’ve both admitted to looking forward to seeing each other first thing in the morning; we have made a habit of sneaking in a morning kiss and hug before anyone else comes in, and often sneak a kiss where we can throughout the day as well. And while the relationship has been mostly physical, we talk about anything and everything, from family to dreams, to comic books, to music and movies and history and everything in between. I’ve met several of his friends, as he brought me around for one of their boys’ nights a few months back, and strangely introduced me by actual name rather than the shortened nickname I usually go by, even at work.
I realise this is getting long-winded, but I’m getting to the point, I swear.
He has been there for me when I needed comfort and has always looked out for me, and despite my best efforts to remain impartial, I found myself falling for him, but kept it to myself.
Then one day, out of the blue, as we were lying in bed, he cracked a joke, to which I laughed, “I didn’t expect you to say that!” Even more unexpected was his reply, a calm, casual, “What did you expect me to say? Those three words?”
Naive as I am, I didn’t catch on at first, until he continued, “You know, some people have so much trouble saying the L word, but I don’t.” I think I nearly stopped breathing when he looked at me and said, “I love you, see, that’s not so hard is it?”
I wanted to reply but all that came out was a little squeak of shock as I shook my head, and before I could actually speak, he’d cracked another joke which set me off giggling and the moment passed.
I didn’t think much of it and things went on as normal between us, he wasn’t hurt by it as far as I could tell.
Another month or so went by, and he went on leave for several weeks. He’d barely been back in the country for 3 hours before calling me up wanting see me. I had missed him so much, I couldn’t wait. It was a passionate reunion and as always, we chatted and talked as we lay in bed. And again, seemingly out of the blue (the conversation either side of this one simple phrase is a little blurred), he said to me, without an ounce of laughter in his voice, “I love you.” This time, I said it back, for the first time in my life not hesitating, and not second guessing whether I meant it or not.
Things did not change between us at all, there was no weirdness, no awkwardness, no sense of obligation to behave any differently at all. We’ve not discussed whether our relationship is something more than just friends with benefits now or whether its just a mutual feeling of love.
I understand that to love someone, and to be in love with someone, are often two very different things. So I guess my question is, for him to say “I love you”, does it mean anything more than he cares for me and loves me as a friend, or in this circumstance, does it actually mean that he loves me as something more? Naturally I could just ASK him, but for the sake of not going in blind, I’d love a third party opinion.

Thank you, and apologies for the mini bio!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That was a long way for you to go to simply ask me if his saying the L word means he loves you as a friend or as something more than a friend. 😉 But let’s cut through all this and get to your real question, because it’s a very common one, and you’re not alone here. After ending a long term relationship on a bad note, you waited two years to get involved — with someone who was very clear that he only wanted a FWB relationship. 😕 Now, you’re looking for more than what he offered you. 😉

My advice is to revisit that long term relationship that ended poorly and figure out what your part in it was. It’s easy to point fingers, but it’s more difficult to ask yourself why you dated that person for as long as you did. The answer to that difficult question can help you with future relationships. Bad relationships are actually gifts that can steer you right next time around. The only waste of time is a relationship you don’t learn from. I can tell from your post that you’re a smart woman, but you’re letting your feelings get in the way of dating smart. 😉 When you choose to go out with a guy who isn’t interested in a relationship beyond sex, it’s a mistake to try to leverage it into something more — but that is exactly what so many women do. Sex changes things for women in a way that it doesn’t for men. They become emotionally attached and often want more — especially when the guy is a decent guy in other arenas.

Time for you to take the wheel in your relationship. Decide what you want for yourself — and then go get it. If it’s a committed, long term relationship, then don’t date someone who’s not interested in the same thing. While this guy is keeping you from being lonely, he’s not Mr. Right, and you’re trying to turn him into something he’s not. I know it’s difficult to extricate yourself from a relationship that isn’t right for you when it’s not blatantly not right for you, but this is the moment to decide you don’t want to waste time or opportunities with the wrong guy — even if he’s decent.

I hope that helps. 😉

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