[mdm29]

Hi there,

I’m super new to the online forum thing. But, I just wanted to try it out and see if I can gain any knowledge on what I am currently struggling with. I’m 23 years old and I have had my fair share of good/bad relationships. I am currently in a relationship with a great guy, 24, and we have been together just short of 2 years (this September). Of course, in the beginning, I know it’s all about getting to know that person, being super excited to see them, and anxious to see whats to come. The making out is AMAZING, the attention you get is the right amount, everything is new and fresh. Of course, through time being together and the more comfortable you get, some things can dwindle off. In my case, things may be getting to comfortable and things are starting to appear that weren’t there before. It’s throwing me through a loop of emotions because some of these things make me wonder if this is the person i’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

The problems I have been having is mainly that were not on the same page when it comes to sex. I consider myself to be a sexual woman and I thoroughly enjoy everything about it, especially with someone who you love. But, it has never been overly great, but I was satisfied. Lately, we barely ever have sex. Maybe 3 times a month if that (we don’t live together yet but we are always staying at eachothers place, both sets of parents allow us to be in the same bed and everything is totally cool). It seems he is only really into having sex when hes drunk, and I am the total opposite. Usually I would be down for that too, drunk sex can be fun! but it’s different with him because I’m never into it because when he gets drunk the way he does it can be a total turn off.

Whenever we make out he always jokes and says “I can’t keep kissing like that because i’ll get a boner” and I say “well, lets take care of that” and he proceeds to tell me he is to tired (some days there is no reason to be) yet still sits on his phone for hours after I say I’m going to sleep.

I just don’t feel wanted anymore. And more and more things begin to bug me. It sucks because I truly thought I could see myself with him. Hes a great guy, with a great family. We get along super well but I feel sometimes it’s to much of a friend/buddy-buddy relationship, and sometimes we just end up having sex.

I feel that life is too short and that maybe the person I’m supposed to meet is actually out there. And that maybe I was meant to meet this guy and be with him to help him through things or to just have as a friend. Things are just different now and I don’t know what the right answer is.

Seeking any advice!

Thank you!

[Ask April Masini]

Sorry for this very bad pun, but it’s the first thing that came to mind: It sounds like you’re trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, instead of standing back and deciding whether the two of you are a good fit. You’re focused on a commitment, and then getting upset that you’re not sexually compatible instead of focusing on the question of whether the two of you should have a commitment. 😉

It really does sound like he’s got some issue that he’s not talking to you about — possibly because he’s not aware of it, or is on some level — but doesn’t want to deal with it. When he says he doesn’t want to make out because it will probably lead to sex — at the two year mark in the relationship — something’s going on with him and I think it would be a good idea to ask him (not blame or pressure him) if there’s anything different happening with him, because his sex drive seems to have changed.

There are many things that can hamper someone’s normal sex drive, like stress, illness, medication, lack of interest, interest in someone else, or some repressed memory that surfaces as the result of a trigger. And that’s just for starters — but the thing is, it’s his sex drive that’s waning, not yours, so he has to take responsibility for this, and to do that, he has to want to. 😉 All you can do is to tell him that you miss the way the two of you used to have sex more often, and wish you could get back to that. 😉

Of course you have to keep your own side of the street clean, too (I’m full of metaphors today, aren’t I? 😆 ) — which means making sure you’re being the woman he wants to have sex with. It’s easy to drop the ball after two years and get into a rut of lazy expectation — most people do this to some extent. So make sure you keep up doing whatever you need to do to make yourself attractive to him. (Put the sweat pants away.) It may not be the problem — but it can’t hurt to address this in case it is!

If, however, you do your part, and things still don’t pick up, and he’s not willing to make any changes on his part, this may be a deal breaker that’s happening.

Let me know how things go — and if you have any other questions, please ask.

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[mdm29]

Wow, thank you so much for replying so fast!

Everything you said is perfect. I also forgot to add some details from my last post so if you could give me more advice on this with the rest I have to share that would be so helpful.

So continuing on..

Back in May I kind of hit my breaking point and called off the relationship after we previously talked about it a time before and I addressed him and told him I don’t feel intimate anymore and I feel like we’re just friends and he agreed and said we could work on it. So we did for a few weeks and then we went away for a night and he was just in such a crappy attitude and basically I ended up in the tub, with my wine, while he layed in bed and continued to be cranky because I was being to loud with my music.

The day after that happened I was at work and we basically started talking and I said I needed a break and he agreed to let me have some space. It didn’t last long but during that whole day he seemed super okay with it, even more then I thought so I was kind of shock. That whole day I was on a high, I was pretty happy with me decision and I was certain it was what I wanted. I never really had my time to be single and be super independent as a woman. So we spent two nights apart. And then I think reality hit him that I was actually very serious. So he asked to meet up and talk and we both cried and I really felt bad for him and then part of me wanted to try and figure it out so we mended it and got back together.

It was really good for about 2 months or so and now the sex thing is gone again. It always kind of dwindled but I dealt with it because it was enough for me to be satisified. But I still can’t help feeling like we’re just friends more so then intimate partners in a relationship. I’m only 23 and sometimes I just feel like maybe I did need that time on my own to figure things out for me. But now I don’t know what to do because I thought those feelings were gone, but there slowly creeping back up.

Another thing is I feel like even though he’s older, sometimes I feel a lot more mature then him. Sure we both joke around but sometimes he pretends to be mad and gets me going and then I get so frustrated.

I’m really in a bind and I tell myself I’ll take it day by day, but along the way advice is great to help me figure everything out! So glad I joined your forum!

Thank you!

[mdm29]

Wow!

Maybe I spoke to soon.. We had the best sex of our whole relationship tonight. Very intimate and after we even talked about that and how much we enjoyed it and wanted to make it possible for every other night when we feel it!

I will still take your advice 🙂

Thank you!

[Ask April Masini]

Well, that’s great news! I’m very happy for you. 😀

And…. I’m glad you’re going to continue to work on the relationship. Let me know if you have any more questions.

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[mdm29]

Hi April,

I wrote to you last week regarding my relationship. Your advice is so helpful. I can’t help but ask your advice as I’m in such a weird spot. I don’t want you to think I’m just looking for reasons to break up, because I’m not, but I am just a really confused 23 year old woman looking for any advice possible.

Aside from my previous issues (lack of passion, sex, etc) I wanted to also add in a few more things. As I last stated, the sex isn’t passionate and is barely there but we had one good night last week so I had mentioned that being glad it happened. It’s like right after it happens and the day after I’m happy and feel satisfied. It’s almost like I try and hold onto that feeling but deep down I know, that maybe in a few days, my mind goes right back to where it was before the passionate moments. It’s like I know it doesn’t last long, or it’s once in a blue moon, so I enjoy it for the moment and then I get right back into my analyzing.

Yesterday I went to his house after work (like I do every Friday as I typically stay at his place for the whole weekend). I went up to his room, and like usual when I’m gone for a few days, his room is a MESS. He is 24 years old and really has a bad case of a “mama’s boy”. There was stuff all over is floor that he could have swept, clean clothes thrown on the floor, bed not made, and things just everywhere. Like always, I cave and clean, because I can’t stand being in his room when it’s like that. I swept, put his clothes away, and disinfected the coffee table and other surface areas in his room. When I asked him to please start cleaning it he jokingly says “nahh I wont”, and I say that I’m not doing it anymore and that hes 24 and it wouldn’t kill him to clean sometimes. He comes back with “nahh you can just keep doing it” and laughs and continues to joke. I told him if he’s like this when we actually live together (like we plan on next year) that I won’t be putting up with it and that it won’t end up working out. He just always thinks its a big joke when I am actually being serious.

I get all men probably have this issue, but if your girlfriend is staying over I would expect it to be at least a bit tidy. If I didn’t clean his room it wouldn’t even be fit to be in. I keep saying to myself maybe when we live together it will be different and he will start to do more things. But, on the other side of it, part of me thinks it will be the same as it is now or worse. His mom and dad have that type of relationship. She does EVERYTHING. There is no romance in there relationship anymore, she sleeps on the couch and hes upstairs. Every morning he hollers down and wakes her up so she can make his tea and take it up to him in bed. I am totally for doing things for your man, but seeing how they are and seeing how similar he is to his dad in that way, makes me super hesitant.

I can’t help but constantly analyze these things and the lack of passion/sex. Even kissing, which seems to always be something I have to ask for, or if I initiate it, I can feel the pull away when he seems to feel its enough. I know it must look like I’m just reaching for reasons, but I truly am not. Trust me, if I can make it work I want to, but sometimes I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Any advice would be amazing! I’m constantly torn and my mind is always racing. I’m 23 years old and I’m getting at the age where considering the person to be with for the rest of your life comes into play a little more seriously. I just want to get this figured out so I can either be at peace with us and figure it out and make it work, or end it and move on and live life more for me and figure out what I want if he’s not the one I’m supposed to be with. You only have only life, and I want to make sure that I am completely certain about who I want to spend my life with as it is something so so so important to me.

Thank you so much April!

Marley

[Ask April Masini]

Does he live with his parents?

[mdm29]

Yes he does.

Thank you

Marley

[Ask April Masini]

Got it. The picture of what’s going on is changing…. and everything you wrote really helps to flesh out a clearer scenario of what’s going on. It sounds like he’s 24 and he lives in his childhood bedroom with his parents, and you spend the weekends there with him. When you complained that he’s a mama’s boy, I didn’t realize at first that he actually lives in his mom’s house! And when you asked him to help you pick up his clothes and clean his room and he joked and said no, that was “kidding on the square”. The two of you were playing out a mother/child dynamic, maybe without realizing it. So, when you talk about the two of you moving in together next year, I’m not sure that he wants that to happen. I think he may actually like the way things are, living a carefree life with his parents, and not want to move out. Regardless of what he says, the way he’s living doesn’t indicate a man who wants to get an apartment with his girlfriend, pay rent, work towards a future together, and be independent. There’s a big gap between what you want and the way he’s living, and possibly what he wants, too. This could be causing a lot of stress for him that he isn’t talking to you about, and it could be exactly what’s affecting your romantic and sex life.

I think you have to be brutally honest with yourself about what it is you want, because if it’s a man who wants to live with you, marry you, have a family with you, etc., he’s not even close to that. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re compatible with them. And sometimes you have to walk away from love because it’s not enough to make your dreams come true. 😉

Let me know how things go.

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[mdm29]

April,

You truly don’t realize exactly how much you have helped me. I constantly ask of opinions sometimes but your advice just makes me feel better with some emotions I have been feeling and the uncertainties I have.

I will keep you updated as the days go on!

Thanks a bunch!

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. 😀

If you know what you want, and it’s something that you can’t have in this relationship, then you should move on. Don’t waste your time or his. It sounds like the two of you are going to be guests at weddings in September and October. You can decide whether or not to attend after the break up, which sounds like it’s coming. If they’re his friends, don’t go to the weddings. If they’re your friends, you should go and have fun. But don’t go as a couple if you’re not one. Brutal honesty is going to help you (and him) move forward in life.

Let me know how things go.

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[mdm29]

Hi April!

Here I am, back again. I just wanted to update you on the previous situation I asked you for advice for. So, here we go…

Last time I posted I talked about how we got back together after I called it off for a few days. Well, sadly, I’m finding myself going right back into the old state of mind I had, which I didn’t want/think could happen again. Since I last posted, things were good, he was no longer having that belittling attitude and such. He acts a tiny bit more ‘boyfriend’ isn but yet the passion still lacks. Surprisingly, we have actually had sex a few times (while he’s not drunk) but again, the passion is very little during sex and even less the rest of the time. He is such a great guy but I can’t help but still constantly analyze every time I’m with or without him. I find my self, even at work, going back and fourth thinking, ok, so I can picture marrying him, like the picture in my head of that day is there and how it would make sense. But then the other side of me is like, what if down the road I have second thoughts like I’m having now, and were actually married and have kids. I find myself getting anxiety while watching a wedding just with this terrible unsettling feeling that I would be scared to get to that day and think man, deep down in my gut, this just isn’t what is meant for me.

A lot has changed in our personal lives since too. I finally gained a job that pays really really well, for once I can say I am more then secure when it comes to finances. He is currently still in school (online) and working casual at his job in the health field. He recently just had great success in getting funding for school, which, they will be making up for the days that he doesn’t, aka constantly having a steady income! This all happened at once and It was the best news. He knew how excited I was to get a place and finally we were at least in the position that its possible (apartment).

Now…. heres where it gets sticky….

With him being a ‘moms boy’, I feel there is some hesitation. Recently his older sister (26) just found out that everything got approved for her and her boyfriend to buy a house, they move in November (just down the road). The first thing that came out of that was ‘Where is my room going to be, which one can I have? Maybe I can build my room downstairs!’ to which I wasn’t super happy. His sisters man works away on and off so she will be there alone a lot, which, they knew getting into this. She expects him to go stay with her while he’s away, knowing that I wanted to get our own place. We went for a drive last night and we had a conversation about getting a place. I was telling him it will be interesting when he tells his mom and dad, because she will lose it. He said ‘ well you can’t really blame them, why would we get a place when we can just live at home rent free, the only reason why were wanting to get our own place is so we can be closer and be together’ and I said ‘well thats half of it, the other big part is that I just want that independence, were going to be 24 and 25, it’s time to get things moving. You have to remember that I lived on my own before and I know what its like and how it feels, I just really want that again’. He then goes into me negatively talking bad about my old place and old landlord (which sure, I said the place wasn’t super spiffy, but I never ever said the landlord was crappy, so I took that as him just trying to make it seem like getting an apartment isn’t all its cracked up to be.

Later that night I went to the bathroom and overheard, what I think, was a conversation about me and him between his mother and sister. His sister was talking about the house, and how she wants to keep her bed at her parents house so she can sleepover while, and come over for supper etc. I then kept listening and heard his sister say something along the lines of ‘Oh yeah she’s been looking, she wants to in January’ (kind of digging because she wants him to stay with her at her new house’ and his mom then replied ‘ No, noooo, no, no, no, definitely not’. I didn’t tell him this for two reasons: He would either take there side, or say something to them to put me on the spot for listening and telling on them.

All in all, he would rather stay with his sister then get a place with his girlfriend. Like he said the other day ‘If my sister wants me to stay with her because she will be along the weeks her boyfriend is gone, then I will for sure’ and I said I would just get my own place then, without hesitation he agreed in a happy giddy way, he just doesn’t get it. Quite frankly, this is causing me to go right back into my state of mind that I had of regret and not knowing what I want with him. It still feels very much like were just ‘best friends’, which makes this even harder.

Im a lost cause with this, I’m just praying that something big hits me in the face to make me realize if I’m supposed to keep trying with him or if I’m supposed to just let this go and find a MAN. Im ready to take on life and I just want him to be there with me. Not to mention the passion.

Any advice will help, thank you so much! 🙄 🙁

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for filling me in. It’s nice to hear from you again!

So, here’s my advice for today:

You’re dating a 24 year old guy who lives in his childhood bedroom, and doesn’t want to leave home. When you accept that, you won’t have to feel confused or take it day to day. 😉 When you make what [i]you[/i] want in life a priority, that’s when you’ll find your Mr. Right. But when you date a man who lives with his mom and thinks it’s great, you shouldn’t expect a lot of change.

I hope you can wrap your head around that one. 🙂 This isn’t about him making changes as much as it is about you accepting who he is.

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[mdm29]

April,

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly!

You pretty much hit the nail on the head I think. I know that eventually, or soon, as it will keep going the way it does, that I will have to make the decision. Do you have any advice for how to break that kind of news in a way that I can be aware of his feelings but also get my point across? Breaking up with your ‘best friend’ is pretty tough. Sure its not romantic and passionate, but when you have been with someone this long, just to end it like that and be done with it, is just a little hard to swallow even though if it were to happen I know time would heal and help me move on and start life for myself and eventually meet Mr. Right. I want to tell him in a way that makes it like, not his fault what so ever, I do feel like I need ‘me time’ as I never really have had that for long. I find the older I get the more I am understanding that we have one life, and if something feels off, or something is making you second guess, then you should go for what ever makes you truly happy and what will benefit you in the long run. I wish I could say I want to just wait for something to just smack me in the face to make me realize what the right decision is here, if only it was that easy.

Any advice at all for that step, if taken, would be so so appreciated.

Thank you!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re not doing him any favors by sugar coating things. 🙁 In fact, I know you want to take care of his feelings, but I’d advise you that if you [i]really [/i]care about him, you take care of his best interests — not his feelings. 😉 There’s a difference. You don’t want to disappoint him, or make him feel badly, but by establishing boundaries that are clear and kind, you’re giving him the best gift possible. By explaining that you’re really looking for a man who is independent, you’re letting him know that if he wants a woman like you, he’s going to have to be independent. Whey you take care of his feelings and shield him from the truth, you’re not giving him the opportunity to understand or grow.

Get rid of the idea that this is his fault or your fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s an incompatibility. I’m sure there may be a woman out there who wants to date and live with a mama’s boy — actually, there probably isn’t — but you have to be clear on who you are and on who he is, and you’ve been fudging on that for a long time to avoid the truth. Don’t make him go through that same cloudy confusion. This is just an incompatibility — not a fault 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

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