[bt88]

So Ive known this girl for 10 years. We have gotten physical in the past. She broke up with her boyfriend recently and told me shes had feelings for me for years. We go on dates, we get physical and everything is great. She did all the things you would advise against like calling me and texting me a lot but it didnt bother me. I did feel like she was kind of treating me as a “safety valve” but I enjoyed our time. We also had to keep it secret from our friends, so we had to shift the tone of our actions based on the situation.

Then the ex came back and told her that he cheated on her the entire time they were dating. She was crushed and distraught. She told me she didnt have the mental stability to deal with our relationship at the moment. Last week she left in the middle of us hooking up saying it was “too much.” I tried to take her to dinner and she said “I cant go on dates now it will mess things up.” I told her I understand she needs her space and will help her through it anyway I can but I still cared for her and would never hurt her. We hung out around our friends this weekend and she barely talked to me, almost felt like she was mad.

So within the course of two weeks and based on someone elses actions, I went from her and I really being into each other to her going stone cold. I want to give her her space but I dont want her to drift away. Im nervous Ill get burned for really no reason other than bad timing. How do I give her her space but still keep me on her mind? With Valentines Day coming up do I do something for her or leave it alone?

[bt88]

Long story short, is a girl saying “I need time to figure myself out” the kiss of death or can it be legit?

[Ask April Masini]

Your girlfriend received a really crushing blow when her ex-boyfriend told her he’d cheated on her the entire time they were together. She’s being clear with you that she’s upset and needs some space to process what happened to her, and how she wants to proceed next.

I definitely don’t think that this is the kiss of death, and while you should give her the space she’s requesting, and be empathetic to her situation, sending her flowers or chocolates or a teddy bear or a piece of jewelry that doesn’t have too much significance (like a lovely bracelet) and a note telling her that you’re sorry for her pain, and you miss her a lot and look forward to a day when you two can be together again the way you’ve been in the recent past, is a nice idea. Mail the gifts, so she isn’t overwhelmed with the gift AND your presence, and you can show her that way that you’re giving her space, but you still care about her.

I know it’s hard to to feel abandoned because of something you didn’t do, but in life, partners get upset by family members, children and work situations, and they bring this upset home to their spouses, boyfriend or girlfriends and partners, all the time. What happens in the outside world DOES affect the relationship you’re having, and you’re just seeing it now.

Be patient. Be empathetic, and be there for her.

I hope that helps.

[bt88]

That sounds like a great idea about the mailing, you are wise. I appreciate your input, thanks.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad I could help! 😀

[bt88]

I do have a follow up question. For one, her and I were never officially “dating.” It was kind of secret. And most importantly, we never were close friends despite knowing each other for 10 years. Our attraction always clouded that. I never came to her with my problems and she never came to me with hers. We were never that type of friends. So its hard for me to be that “go to” person because I never was before. Is that what she needs?

The thing is she isnt contacting me at all right now. it seems like she wont let me help her. So I want to know how shes doing but at the same time, will me getting ahold of her push her away?

[Ask April Masini]

All you can do is try, and if trying something doesn’t work, you can try a different approach or else give her space. If none of those things work, then you have to accept that she’s not into you right now — for whatever reason, and while rejection hurts, it’s a gift in that it allows you to move on with your life, so you don’t waste time on someone who’s not available.

Don’t worry that you were never her “go to” person or close friend when you were dating. That doesn’t matter. Be there for her, but don’t force her to see you. Just let her know you care, and you want to see her, but you’re respecting her request for space. There is only so much you can do when she’s hurt and wanting a break — and you’re doing what you can.

Patience and understanding are your friends. 🙂

[bt88]

So I have another follow up question and as I mentioned before I really cant talk to any of my friends about it.

So after a week or two of me and this girl not talking as much she made it a point to contact me last night. It was on Facebook chat but whatever. We talked about the typical stuff. Then she started talking about how she was working out, feeling confident and being more assertive. She said she was too laid back and “go with the flow” for too long and now shes learning who she really is. Which is great. She’s right, she never was very assertive, almost kind of an introvert. I told her I was happy for her and all that, and I didnt turn the conversation onto me and her at all. She also said to me “I didnt want you to think I forgot about you.” So I was happy that she’s doing better and that she made it a point to contact me.

However, early in the conversation when I asked her what she was doing this weekend she said “Saturday Im having drinks with a friend.” I didnt bother to ask who or where out of fear of looking jealous. Keep in mind this was on Wednesday. Seems early to plan out drinks with a friend. I know most of her friends so I feel like she would have mentioned who it was. It feels to me like shes having drinks with a guy and doesnt want to tell me. I also feel like she wouldnt have said it at all if she didnt want me to know. If it was a female friend I feel like she would have said “drinks with a friend from work” or something. Its almost like shes leaving it intentionally vague. She’s never been the type to just go out and get physical with someone on a whim for no reason, yet this whole “self discovery” thing might change that. I’ve also considered the possibility that Im just being paranoid. Its also true that really there isnt much I can do about it anyways. So should I be worried? Or am I just pouring over a mundane detail?

[Ask April Masini]

In answer to your questions, no, you shouldn’t be worried. Why would you be? You’re both free to date whomever you want. I trust you know that. It seems like she is, and you should, too. You can’t control who she does and doesn’t date — you can just control your own behavior. In fact, since you asked me about Valentine’s Day, this is a great time to ask her on a date if that’s what you want to do. She may accept or not, but if you don’t ask, you’ll never know.

I hope that helps!

[bt88]

No I guess I didnt know that. If she said she wasnt emotionally stable enough to handle our relationship, and specifically told me “I cant start dating again right now” why would she go on a date? It seems like she would owe me at least some sort of an explanation. At least a “hey theres other people, I dont want you waiting around for me or getting hurt.” Thats all. Saying that is not the same as “I need my space.” Otherwise everything she said in the past was a lie, or at least misrepresentative. All the “ive been in love with you for 10 years” stuff is meaningless.

We’re not in a relationship but thats only because she said she needed space to figure herself out. I dont wanna say I deserve first crack but the way I understood was that with this space thing, she would let me know when she knew better either way. Have I just been completely misguided here?

[Ask April Masini]

You have a bit of a grandiose sense of yourself if you think an ex-girlfriend “owes you” an explanation or a first right of refusal on dating her! 😯 News flash: She’s not going to get a ticket from the love police for telling you one thing and doing another.

You need to take responsibility for yourself. If you want to ask her out for Valentine’s Day in spite of what she’s told you and taking into account her behavior, that’s fine. Do it. If you want to move on because you think she is too conflicted to offer you a relationship that is going to make you feel good about yourself, then don’t ask her out, and focus on someone else to date!

You are in charge of you! Take that responsibility and get yourself a Valentine’s Day date! 🙂

[bt88]

That came across wrong. I didnt think she owed me anything I just was understanding that she would let me know when she figured herself out. We were never officially dating so it wasnt exactly a breakup. And she did let me know. Shes been going on dates. A few of them. Her exact words “I dont want a full relationship. I just need to figure out what I want and meet some new people.” I get that. The thing is we had a damn good “relationship” going and she only stopped it after she found out her ex cheated on her for 5 years. She also found out it was with guys and not girls. Does that second part have any effect or no?

My bigger question is why do you think she didnt want her space when she first broke up with her boyfriend? Was I just her lifeboat? Did she merely just want the comfort of a relationship just not with him? I feel like the archetypal rebound guy in this case

Secondly, would it be counter productive for me to say “listen I feel like I kinda got used here” ? I feel like Id be saying that for my own benefit and I;m wondering if its even worth it. Plus it lets her know that she hurt me.

Finally, should I be thinking long term? Given our history, its possible that she’ll come back around. I feel like she still has feelings for me, I cant believe theyd just disappear after 10 years. is it unhealthy for me to think that being nice to her now will help me out later? I dont want to cut her off but at the same time its going to be hard to see her with other guys. At least for now

Thanks for your help and id like to reiterate I have one of the least grandiose senses of self of anyone I know, just came across wrong online. Thanks again

[Ask April Masini]

Apparently, you’re not getting the hint from your girlfriend — or from me! Your girlfriend wants space from YOU. Not everyone. Just you. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you may need it.

When you first wrote me in January about this relationship, you said that you kept it [i]secret[/i] from everyone, abd that was a flashing yellow light to me that this was not a serious relationship to whomever wanted or agreed to keep things secret. 😳 When someone is serious in a relationship, they want everyone to know about it. They want to tell the world how happy they are to have found that special someone. You and your girlfriend had a ten year relationship that wasn’t out in the open. That’s suspect from the get go. And it’s a LOOOOOONG time for you to agree to that kind of relationship.

She clearly had stronger feelings for the boyfriend who cheated on her than she did or does for you. She needs space from you because she isn’t interested in dating you any more, and doesn’t have the wherewithal to tell you the truth — that you ARE a back up boyfriend. She’s exhibited the behavior, but you’re in denial about the clues. If a woman says they need space from you, but still want to stay in touch, and they’re upfront about the fact that they are dating others, the writing is on the wall. You’ve been relegated to friend status.

There is no reason for you to tell her she hurt you that is going to promote the relationship. It’s just about you venting your feelings, and frankly, you’re better off doing that to a friend or someone who’s a stable person in your life — not her. What I’d like to see is for you to move on. She’s making it difficult because she doesn’t want to hurt you, and frankly, sometimes painful break ups where at least one party is clear that there is no future together, are healthier. The friendship she’s dangling in front of you with a faint promise that one day when she’s finished having space she may come back to you, is a bad deal for you. Don’t take it.

You’d be crazy to think about her as a long term girlfriend since she’s clearly used you for good times when no one better was around. If she wanted to date you now, she would. Instead, she’s told you she’s dating other people. There is no reason in the world for her to need space from you at this point in her life except to distance herself from you gently.

Sorry, but when you wrote in this post that she’s made it clear she’s dating other people, that’s your sign to move on and not waste your time.

[bt88]

Hi so a little update on this situation and I need your help if possible. I finally found out why she pulled back. Apparently one night her and I hung out and we were drinking. I got a little too out of control for her tastes. Keep in mind her ex boyfriend was an alcoholic and would often do stupid things when drunk and give her the “I can change” speech. So apparently one night she saw too much of him in me and pulled back. She said she lost some trust in me based on being out of control. I did something stupid that Id rather not discuss but it wasnt so awful that it cant be worked through. She recognizes him and I are not the same person but after him she swore to herself she wouldnt end up in that situation again. She said that right now she cant justify being in a relationship if she was so scared away by this one night.

She also reiterated that her going on dates was just to see what it was like. She was adamant that she still has strong feelings for me and isnt seeing anyone at the moment. She also said that she cant put herself in a situation that shes been burned by before. I told her flat out that Im not that guy. i told her how I want us to work and we clearly make each other happy. She agreed. She descibred the relationship we had before this as “great” and said she appreciates me being there for her more than Ill ever know. We didnt speak for awhile but she called me up and made a point to say all this. Right now shes adamant that she wants us to hang out with friends and see where it goes. I told her that we’ve been deeper than friends, she recognizes this. She also said its going to take awhile for her to get that trust back that she lost. I get that. I also told her not to use one incident as a gauge. Up until that point I had never done anything like that. Since that time I did get a little too drunk one more time since then and she pointed to it again. Kinda nitpicky but also understandanble. she herself is a heavy drinker as well.

Ive known her long enough to know she isnt a BSer. Yet Im wondering if shes kinda using this as an excuse a little bit. An excuse to be single a little longer. I dont think so but its certainly possible. So

How does one go about re-establishing trust? I do like her a lot and she clearly likes me a lot. So what can I do? I feel like hanging out with her as friends could work but only for so long. I guess I dont know when would be the right time to try to make the switch. I know trust is a huge thing in relationships. I feel awful about it going down this way. i asked her if theres anything I can do, her response was “I wish there was, it would make the questions im asking myself a lot easier.”

Is there anything I can do besides wait out and do my best to be friendly with her without pushing boundaries too far? Thanks

[Ask April Masini]

People say things that they mean, that they don’t mean, and that they think they mean, but maybe realize that they don’t later. Your girlfriend said she needed space, and that may have been true at the time, but now, six weeks or so later, she may have changed her mind about what she needs and how she gets it.

That said, I think that the anger you’re expressing here is better directed at yourself, not her. I think you’re angry that you spent ten years befriending this woman without dating her, and now that she’s decided to date other people and not you, you feel like you’ve made a bad investment, and frankly, you have.

My advice to you on February 5 was that she doesn’t “owe” you anything and there are no dating police to ticket her or haul her into some sort of love court for not treating you the way you think you should be treated. I don’t think you really took this piece of advice in.

I suggested you ask her out on a date, and all I hear is that you hung out and things went awry. If you’re not going to ask her out, then you should move on and get out of this unhealthy dynamic and stop wasting your time. If you did ask her out and she said no, or the date/s didn’t go well, then again, it’s time for you to move on. But you have to break your cycle of staying in a relationship that doesn’t work for you.

You can’t force her to feel or do what she doesn’t want to feel or do, but you can control your own behavior. Do that.

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