[Danneskjold]

Hi April,
Like a lot of guys, I’m confused by a woman’s behavior! Here’s the deal;
I run a small business. I have a couple of employees, and one lady who works very closely with me, for 4 years now. She got divorced 3 years ago, has a couple of kids. I’m separated from my wife, as she works 90% in a different country. You can see what’s coming!
This woman and I have built up an incredible working relationship. We know what the other is thinking, and we joke around a lot at work.
Over the last 12 months, I’ve fallen in love with her.
A few weeks ago, I put it to her that our relationship could become something more. She seemed uncomfortable for a moment, then said that she didn’t know, she really valued our relationship at work and would hate to lose that. (Bear in mind that without this job she would have to move back to her parent’s place).
I accepted her hesitation, and we carried on talking.
The following week, her behaviour had changed. Again, bear in mind that this is someone who just told me she’d like to keep things as they are;
1. She’s started touching me. A hand on my back, a hand on my shoulder, leaning against me when I’m showing her something, and then giving me a full-on hug for some small favor I’d done.
2. She wants to spend time with me outside of the office, by asking me if I feel like going for a drink after work, asking me to wait a second while she gets her bag so we can walk to the car park together, and suggesting a lunch date. (she didn’t use the word “date”!). She always seems to engineer these times when there are no other employees around, and she’s asked me not to let them know we are out together so much after work.
3. She is engaging me in a huge amount of “play criticism”, scolding me playfully for making a mess at my desk, etc. We are laughing and joking around like kids. And I’m supposed to be her boss.
4. She’s started asking me for help with small things at home, things she could get someone else to do, or even do herself. But she’s asking me.
5. When we’re talking now, she is almost staring at me the whole time, the eye-contact times are very long, and she almost always turns her whole body to face me when she’s talking.

These five things have never happened in the last 4 years; they have now happened suddenly, in the last few weeks, and are unmistakable. Now, I respect what she told me a few weeks ago, about not wanting to change our relationship, so I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable by starting to ask for dates, or buying little presents, or appearing to press her to take things further.
BUT
should these big changes in her behavior be telling me something?

Thanks April,

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It certainly sounds like she’s moving towards a romantic flirtation (which you probably already know), but you have two problems: One, you’re her boss and she’s told you she didn’t want a relationship other than friendship at work. You may be heading into the arena of sexual harassment if you pursue her sexually. Second, you’re married. You should probably consider a divorce so you can be free to date — and date outside your office. 😉 If you’re not happy in your marriage and would like a woman close by, being single will free you up to find someone who isn’t a default option. This woman in your office may be interesting to you because she just happens to be there, but what you may be looking for — a wife who is with you more than just 10% of the time — is out there somewhere, and if you’re single, you can find her more easily!

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[Danneskjold]

Hi April,

thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

I would just say that when I say my wife and I are separated, I mean a legal separation. We have one son, age 25, who lives overseas.

I have considered the possibility that I am attracted to this woman just because she is “there” every day. I have waited a year to see if it was just an infatuation, or a whim. But I have found the attraction getting stronger, to the point where I am aware of her faults, blemishes and weaknesses, but love her all the more for them. I am not attracted in a sexual way, (although she does look fabulous); I am mostly attracted by her mental strength, her integrity, her sense of humor. I feel a strong desire to want to care for her, to look after her.

I would never put myself in a situation which could be seen as “sexual harassment”. But I would like to feel that I could invite her out for an evening meal, and see where that goes. However, I would only do that if I felt confident that she was attracted to ME first. That’s why I was asking about this change in behaviour. Surely, if she wanted to maintain a purely business relationship, she wouldn’t be touching me, and wouldn’t be asking me if I had time for a drink after work? These 2 things in particular seem to be at odds with keeping me at arm’s length? Or am I just a romantic dreamer?
Would an invitation out to dinner be an appropriate next step?

Thanks for your help and advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hmmm…. let me try it again. You’re married. A legal separation is not a divorce. For some reason, you and your wife have decided only to be separated and not divorced. My advice is to get divorced, be truly single, and then date. Second, asking her out to dinner, as her boss, can very well be seen as sexual harassment. For instance, if she says no, or if she says yes, and things do progress, and then they fall apart and she has trouble at work, you can be seen as treating her punitively because she didn’t comply with what she felt you wanted — or she can say she felt she had to go out with you because you were the boss and it seemed wrong to say no. I know your feelings for her are very strong and you want to pursue them — and there definitely ARE workplace relationships that work out — but being married and her boss isn’t creating a great situation for either one of you.

As for your specific questions, it’s hard to tell if she’s asking you if you have time for a drink after work because she wants to talk shop after work, pursue a friendship or more. If you accept the drinks invitation, you’ll probably learn more.

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[Danneskjold]

OK April, I think I understand you now!

Thank you for your advice. I guess I should just value a great employee, and a great friendship. Meantime, I’ll look into getting a proper divorce, and then set about creating a wider social circle to meet more people.

Thanks again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. 😀

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