[marianosha]

I’m a seventeen year old girl who’s never so much as held a guy’s hand (unless you count the five seconds in seventh grade science done on a dare). It’s not that I’m unattractive to guys–I’ve got a decent figure and decent face. It’s that I practically have a phobia of guys… (Ex: When I was a freshman, I spent my first homecoming avoiding this junior who wanted to dance with me.) … And of rejection.

Majority of the time, I don’t notice when a guy flirts with me (or so my friends say….). When I *do* know a guy is flirting with me, I almost run away. And if I think a guy likes me, even if I’m ok with them, I get scared crapless, and avoid them like…a lot. I can’t help it. Stupid thing is, when *I* like them, I avoid them even more. I can’t look at them, talk to them, or in any way acknowledge them. Big big big fear of rejection–I can’t let them find out I like them.

That’s my current problem. Except, the guy already knows I like him–someone told him–and he had one of our mutual friends tell me he only wanted to be friends. He wasn’t mean about it, didn’t act disgusted (another big, big fear)… so I was fine with the rejection. That was a month ago, and I still like him.

But I avoid now more than ever because 1)I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable… and 2) I don’t want him to have that omg-when-will-she-get-over-me exasperated/creeped-out feeling (if that is a feeling guys have?). When I see him in the hallway, I look away. I’ll never say hello first. I won’t talk to him unless he talks first. The usual fear-of-rejection thing.

I have never given him a positive I-like-you sign, like flirting. He probably never noticed I liked him. And with the way I’m avoiding him, I’m afraid he may think I’m snotty and don’t want *anything* to do with him because he only wanted to be friends. (A stretch?)

One more thing I think I should mention: He hasn’t ever been in a serious relationship (well, as serious as ‘serious’ gets for high schoolers.) I don’t believe he’s ever kissed a girl.

Sorry I’m so long-winded. I thought those little details were important for you to know… whether they are or not, well… Anyway, I’ll get a move-on with my questions.

I’d like to date him. I know he said a month ago that he only wanted to be friends, but that could change. And I guess what I’m asking for is advice on is *how* to bring about that change (while dealing with my phobia of guys/rejection). It’s not likely he’s going to start liking me when I can’t look at him straight. And when it probably seems like I’m ignoring him all but when he speaks to me first.

My stupid fear of rejection. Just gets in the way. Is there some sort of button I can push that would end that fear, one that hides behind shy girls’ ears or above their elbows in the awkward spot that can’t be seen without a mirror? Cuz, if you could tell me the location of that button, all my problems would be solved.

Thanks a bunch 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very smart and you’re very sensitive and you’re very human and having feelings that are entirely age appropriate. 🙂

There is no magic wand or special button to eliminate fear of rejection, but there are two tools you can employ. One of them is understanding. If you understand that in life not everybody is going to like you and not everybody who likes you is going to be lucky enough to receive your affection, you’ll get the big picture: dating is a numbers game. You have to find the people who like you at the same time you like them.

That said, since you like this boy and he just wants to be friends, you have to balance being his friend with showing him your deeper interest and yet, not scaring him away, stalker style. Easier said than done. If you’re truly interested in being his friend and risking that rejection and are able to maintain the balancing act I described above, then he’ll eventually accept your friendship and from that friendship more may or may not grow. Remember, he may be having lots of fear of not being experienced, of not wanting rejection from you or other girls, etc. So focus on the friendship.

The other tool you can use to get over fear of rejection is plain old experience. The more you experience rejection and realize it’s not going to kill you, you won’t be so afraid. Getting shot down that first, second and even third time are important experiences that EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD goes through. There’s no short cut and the rejection hurts — but less so each time as you realize it’s part of life.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. 🙂

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