[ConfusedinWV]

When my boyfriend is nice, he’s so nice. He’s happy, which means everybody else is happy too. & Its times like that when I tell him how much I really want to be with him and actually make us last. And in that moment, I sincerely mean it. But then he gets in these moods. The simplest thing can go wrong..like me running a little late to see him or missing one of his phone calls. I try to be so nice and explain in the kindest way possible…but he’s not hearing it. He gets so extremely mad and worked up that he starts yelling and cussing me like a dog. He makes me feel two inches tall just because everything isn’t exactly how he wants it. And I feel so many emotions when he does that to me. First of all, I don’t think I should be having to explain myself. Ten minutes late isn’t going to change things and neither is a missed phone call. So that makes me mad. But I also feel sad and confused when he says things like “you’re such a worthless girlfriend” & “you’re probably just cheating” Those things aren’t true. I try to do so much for him and in that moment he just throws it all down the drain. He has no filter when he’s mad.. But he knows exactly what he’s saying. & That doesn’t seem like love to me…I’ve never been around someone that’s acted like that. I’ve never once heard my mom being talked down to by my dad, or being told that she couldn’t do this or she couldn’t go there. So maybe I have high expectations. But shouldn’t I? & another thing. He has this amazing reasoning process that somehow always makes me the bad guy. He ALWAYS thinks it’s my fault. After awhile, it sounds convincing. He eventually realizes he was wrong…or at least he says he does. But do you know when that is? Usually hours or even days after the fight is already over. Then he promises he’ll never do it again, but then does it again within a couple of days or occasionally, a week. I’ve tried breaking up with him and giving him space and time to think about things..but when we get back together its always the same old thing. I love him so much. And I really think he’s a great guy but I am clueless about what I can do to change things. I dont want to marry someone with anger issues or someone who can’t keep their promises.. Its just to me right now. But what if there were kids involved? Do you think there’s any hope that this stuff will change? Or is there anything I should do to help the situation? (Besides walking on pins and needles to please him?)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t change him. You bring the issues to his attention, which you have, and if he doesn’t and won’t change — which you’ve figured out — it’s up to you. You’re right — this isn’t someone you should be with in a marriage, in a co-parenting situation, or even in a relationship. He may have some wonderful qualities, but his issues with anger are a deal breaker.

I know you want him to be different, but that isn’t going to make a relationship work. It’s time for you to move on.

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