[Confusedgirl123]

I want to be in a relationship, I am going on several dates and find guys and go on a few dates but end up driving myself crazy to the point where I tell myself I can’t see them anymore or freaking them out. Background, I’m 27, I’m very attractive (no trouble getting a date, divorced for a year and a half from a manipulative emotionally draining marriage, I have definite trust issues, and I’m not the go with the flow carefree girl I was. I find myself thinking things like is he using me, do I like him more than he likes me, wondering what he’s doing. I am having a hard time with a really great guy I met, when we first started talking he texted me constantly, now after the 3rd date it’s drastically slowed down. It makes me stress out wondering why he’s keeping so quiet, and it upsets me how emotional I get with someone I just met, isn’t my boyfriend. This isn’t just specifically with him, it happens with every guy. I feel like all my relationships are doomed and I am the one who destructs them. I get mad that there’s little communication or not enough time spent and blow up, or confront the guy indirectly..what is wrong with me? Tonight I just sent him this text ( and as usual regret it right after hitting send) “maybe you, being of the male persuasion can tell me the answer to this question, why when you first start talking to a guy does he usually text you a lot..then as you see each other a few times, why does the communication get so sparingly. Does that mean he is losing interest? Or he doesn’t want to seem too eager? Or they have nothing in common?” I wrote that to him..no reply.

Why am I so needy, I need validation all the time, I get upset he doesn’t compliment me..I want to be independent and someone who goes with the flow and can be casual..I find myself thinking does this guy really like me, is there a future or is he just wasting time with me, and I can’t tell the difference between what either scenario looks like so I go back and forth, it’s emotionally so exhausting.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, you’ve got the problem down pat: You’re behaving in ways that destroy relationships. 🙁 I think that from what you’ve written, you’re hurt from your divorce and you fear rejection, so that when you see, hear, or even smell any hint of it, you sabotage and destroy the relationship so it can’t hurt you, first 😳 Then you repeat the pattern.

Your fear of rejection is what you need to address. 😉 The reality is that you’re not going to be everybody’s cup of tea, no matter how fabulous you are. Sometimes rejection is just about incompatibility. You’re great, but he wanted someone who was a different ethnicity, or who works in a different type of industry. No reason to pass judgment — but every reason to accept the rejection as a gift that keeps you from staying in a relationship (and wasting time) with someone who’s looking for a different type of person. 😉 So, accept that rejection is a reality of dating and change your attitude to see it as a gift that points you away from someone who’s not right for you and towards someone who may be. 🙂

You also have to understand that dating is a process that allows people to get to know each other and decide if they want to continue dating. The first three months of dating anyone are simply the months when you decide to continue dating them or not. And you should expect that of anyone else. You should not expect monogamy or commitment. You should try to have fun and get to know them.

Your self esteem issues that are derivative of your hurt and fear of rejection are things you can deal with on your own. Keep yourself busy with things you like to do and that you want to enjoy and/or get good at. You’ll feel better about yourself when you’re good at things — and not just because you think so, but because you’ve accomplished goals. The beauty of this “project” is that it’s something you can do outside of dating, and it will directly affect dating in a positive way.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

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