[tcugirl]

I have been with my husband for 8 years, married 5. Pretty much since the day we got married, my husband has been bringing up divorce….sometimes when we fight, sometimes just in conversation but it is always out of the blue. We have a 5 year old son (his and mine) and a 10 year old daughter (mine from a previous relationship-but he is the only dad she has ever really known). Things in our relationship have not been easy, he was out of work for a year, while I worked a job I absolutely hated, only to come home to hungry children, a messy home and my husband on the computer. My husband did nothing to help me around the house and spent most of his time working out, running, golfing, etc, while I held a job, took care of the kids, cleaned house and did everything to care for my family on my own. There were days I thought I would have a nervous breakdown, things were that stressful, but I always loved him, and as much as I wanted to threaten him with leaving, I never did….I didn’t see that as an option. I believe that marriage is forever and divorce is the easy way out. Afterall I married him for better or worse. After almost a year of being unemployed, my husband got a job and I was immediately laid off. That was 2 years ago. While I was unemployed I took 6 months and got my elementary teaching certification. I was immediately hired, but only part time as a tutor, and have yet to get a teaching position, however, I have worked any and every job I could every day since then. I have been a long term substitute and worked for a friend and I also do photography on the side….I even have an interview for a job that starts in a month. This has helped me get by, but my husbands parents have been paying some of the bills. This is making my husband furious. He thinks I am taking advantage of his parents by having them pay “MY BILLS” (as he calls them). They have paid our electric bill and my car payment….not once have I asked them for this money, they just keep paying these things. I have asked them not to do it because it is causing us to fight. My husband says that even though he loves me he can’t stay married to me because we don’t see eye to eye on money. Every time he says this though, he never does anything about it. 7 months ago I caught him having an inappropriate relationship with another woman, that would have turned into an affair if I hadn’t caught him so early. He says he wanted me to catch him because things needed to change. I will never forget the IM’s I saw between them, they are burned into my head. I know I have to move on, but part of the reason I can’t is because he keeps holding the divorce card over me. We went to 3 sessions of marriage counseling, but on the last session he walked out and we have never been back. Now whenever we fight, he tells me he still doesn’t know if he is going to leave us. He says the reason is because of our money issues. This past weekend we went out and I was asking a couple of guys and a girl to show me a dance. I was just having fun, didn’t touch anyone, or do anything inappropriate, just asked for someone to show me a dance step. When the song was over, and I went to hug my husband, he pulled away and called me a N____lover because the guys that I was talking to were black. I was shocked! He then started one of the biggest fights we have ever had. He told me he wanted a divorce and then we pretty much had an hour long fight about everything. He said he loved me and didn’t want a divorce, just couldn’t be with me because I didn’t think the same as him about money. Things went back and fourth and I finally said I was done with this and if that’s what he wanted then he should go ahead and do it. I told him I was tired of him threatening me. I told him I was going to sleep on the couch because I was done with him, and he didn’t want me to do that. He asked me to stay in the room and said we would talk about things the next day. I left anyway and slept on the couch. I came back into our room to sleep around 6 in the morning. It has been 3 days now, and he has not brought it up again and has been acting like things are just normal again. I think his divorce talk stems from severe jealousy. He claims he is not a jealous person, but he won’t even discuss my daughters dad with me, anytime I say his name he freaks out. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want a divorce, but I hate the way he makes me feel. I’m constantly worried about him actually cheating and I am always wondering if he is really going to leave or if he is just threatening me so that he feels like he is in control. What can I do to stop his behavior so we can heal our relationship and I can get past the things he has put me through?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t change HIS behavior, but you can change your own. 😉

But let’s start with his: Your husband’s behavior, from what you describe, isn’t that different from when you married him eight years ago, except that the financial pressure has escalated his unhappiness and anger. Unfortunately, if you marry someone who starts the marriage threatening divorce, it’s hard to expect anything different eight years later, except more of the same. 😳 Clearly, your husband is unhappy about things that have nothing to do with you and he’s projecting his anger onto you.

It sounds like [i]you[/i] need some new behavior. I hate to say this, because I know you don’t believe in divorce, even though it appears this is your second marriage, but if you stay in this marriage, you’re going to be emotionally blackmailed by his threatening divorce, on a constant and chronic basis. It’s going to be impossible for you to trust him or the marriage, and his acting out with other women will increase, as will his divorce threats.

Sadly, I think the writing is on the wall here. Either you wait for him to cheat on you enough so you’ll leave or you wait for the fighting to get so bad you realize it’s affecting your kids negatively and you leave for their sake — if not your own. But unless you take the bull by the horns, he’s going to continue to push you out the door until you either walk out or fall out.

I know this is unfortunate to hear, but I think you already know it. You can spend lots of time trying to figure out why he’s doing what he’s doing, but my advice is to instead, figure out why you stay and what it would take for you to leave before his acting out crosses the line for you, wherever that line is. 😳

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[tcugirl]

Thanks for your insight and advice. 🙂 This is actually my first marriage, I was not married to my daughter’s dad. What you are saying is hard to take, but I know that history will keep repeating itself. 🙁 I stay because I love him and I do know he is never going to change. You are absolutely right I have got to change my behavior, because really that’s the one thing I can control in this situation. He is a great father and I fear a divorce would do more damage to my children than staying. I will definitly keep you posted, and thanks so much!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. 😉

I know you’re afraid that divorce will damage the children more than staying, but as they get older they will see EVERYTHING, and what they will learn is to model their own relationships on what you’ve taught them. 😳 Think about what you want for your children and let being a good parent guide you to Mr. Right. An important life lesson is that we all make mistakes, and sometimes the mistakes are big, but recovering from those mistakes is what character is made of, and in the end, strong character is much more important than any mistakes that brought you to where you are, along the way.

Stay strong and do the right thing. Think big picture, and let me know how things go. 😀

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[tcugirl]

Turns out he was having an affair. I caught him before it was physical, we went to counseling and I thought it was over….wow, was I wrong. She lived a few hours away from us, so I didn’t see it as a threat…but I guess where there is a will there is a way. He would tell me he had to go to work early and would go see her, or tell me he had to work an extra day out of town. This girl is nothing like me physically, however, we do have similar personalities, other than the fact that I would NEVER cheat on my husband or knowingly have an affair with a married man, as she did. She is a “bigger” girl and not my husbands usual type at all, as he is very into a certain body type (which I have) and this woman does not even come close. I discovered proof of his affair and confronted him. At this point he went and obtained an attorney. He never told me he wanted a divorce, and when I said I did, he just tried to talk me out of it and actually sought help by seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist. I decided that because he was seeking help, that I would stay with him….not knowing he had retained an attorney. (I found a receipt) When I asked him about the attorney he said the divorce was on hold. I asked him if he was getting his money back and he said he called but never got ahold of them. I thought things were getting back on track. Then about a month later, I come home from work and he says we need to talk. At this point he tells me the “other” woman is preggo…..then says, well she lost the babies….yes that’s right, babies. I told him that I believed she was lying about being pregnant…pretty ironic, that she has an IUD, yet got pregnant, which just ironically happened the very last time they were together, and she ironically also lost the babies….I was speechless to say the least. After this lovely news, he shows me divorce papers….showed them, not served them to me, just let me hold them for long enough to read the first two pages. I asked him what this was and he said the divorce papers, but it was still on hold. As I looked at the first page, I saw that it had been filed….he took the papers back and told me that he wants to keep the divorce on hold and told the attorney not to serve me, that he wanted to do it if he decided to follow through with the divorce. This was almost 2 months ago, I have not seen them since. When I asked my husband what he was thinking his reasons for divorce are simply that me and our children deserve better than him. He is right about that, and I told him so. I told him if he thinks we deserve better, than he needs to be a better man, and lately he has extremely changed his behavior for the better. He is more attentive, more loving, and instead of doing his “Me” stuff all day, he does “us” or “family” things. I honestly love this man and want to make our marriage work, my issue though is 1. trust (a given) 2. I can’t get the conversations out of my head that I had with the “other” woman and 3. I keep thinking about his betrayal and them sleeping together and it is literally ripping my insides out! No matter how much I try to forget, I just can’t seem to do it….just when I am having a good time, something pops up to remind me of everything. Do you have any suggestions on how I can move forward with him while not dwelling on his betrayal. One thing I might mention is he has never apologized for this, only said he was a “piece of s**t”….is his lack of apology getting in my way? I just want to have a normal life with him and our family again! Please help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in denial. 😳 For five years your husband has been bringing up the idea of divorcing you. He wouldn’t do that if he was happy in the marriage. Then he actually retained an attorney and filed divorce papers with the court. And…. he had unprotected sex with another woman with whom he’s been having an affair. She got pregnant and lost the babies.

I’m not sure what you need to see before you realize this isn’t a good marriage.

You can’t trust him because he’s not trust worthy. And as I told you last time, you can’t stop his behavior, you can only change your own. You’re living with a man who isn’t a good husband or father and you’re trying to make him be different — which is impossible.

If you stay with him, expect more of the same. The ball is in your court. It’s YOUR turn to do something different. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts