[Lilian]

I dated a man for over a year. Both divorced and in our 40-ties.
He immediately went in overdrive: this feels so good, meeting the kids and family, love you to death etc.
He was much longer divorced than me and I couldn’t go that fast but he was very understanding about that. By the time I was confident in the relationship, we made future plans, he suddenly ended it? Very abruptly no proper explanation. When a woman is dumped that fast with vague reasons and no ‘lets talk about it’, it usually means she has to clear the way for another woman. I was there before with my ex-husband!

I tried to talk about it, he agreed to meet me, he was very indifferent, no feelings nothing, unanswerable statements. Although he didn’t say it explicit, I felt he had another woman. It hurt me very much, I loved him and replaced twice is not a self-esteem boost, but I had to move on.

Since then he periodically contacts me (weeks, months apart), asks me for dinner, we went and he was affectionate (hold my hand, kissed me on the mouth?) but never said what he really wanted. Sends me lovey-dovey messages as if we are still together and stops texting mid sentence. Then months nothing and he asks me again for dinner (which he btw cancelled). Recently, by chance I found out he indeed started a new relationship shortly after we broke up, probably met her when we were still together. So he is having dinner and texting me while he is in a new relationship? Doesn’t make sense. Recently he contacted me again asked me for a drink.

I am over him (most of the time) and don’t want him back, but it still bugs my mind why does he contacts me and wants to see me? Is he testing the water? Checking if I am still available? Just being nice? It’s also not fair to his new woman,is it?
Shall I agree to meet him and ask him point-blank or ignore him?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Many men who are divorced and in their 40s are ready to re-marry. He was. Dating for over a year is not going into overdrive for most people in this situation. It may have been for you, and that’s fine, but you have to understand that he was ready, and you weren’t, so he moved on. When you told him he was moving too fast, he realized the incompatibility between the two of you. That he started dating someone immediately after your break up, or shortly before it, makes a lot of sense given his goals. He wants to re-marry and is looking for someone who wants the same thing at the same time. 😉 Your wanting to have “the talk” was a mistake I warn women against. Men hate this. Hence your description of his indifference during “the talk”.

That he’s contacting you periodically now, is probably because he’s playing the field and looking for Ms. Right. He probably has mixed feelings about you because you had a good relationship — but your telling him he needed to slow down because you weren’t ready, was a sort of rejection for him, even though you may not see it that way.

As for your feelings and being burned twice, what you have to understand is that feelings are one thing, but behavior is another. I don’t know about your marriage that ended in divorce, but in this relationship, it sounds like the two of you didn’t have compatible time lines. That can be just as important as having other deal breakers, like children, religion, socio-economic status, etc., in common.

I hope that helps you decipher what happened.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Lilian]

Thank you for your replay.

I haven’t looked at this way; it makes sense. You’re right about him wanting a relationship really bad (not so much marry) and I did have some practical aftermath from my divorce.
With overdrive I meant the first months, after 3 dates he wanted me to meet his kids, after 3 months he talked about the moving in…. After a couple of months I trusted him and felt he was sincere. We were working towards something, talked about it. I still don’t understand why he dumped me that sudden; the slowing down wasn’t an issue anymore. But for him it might have been. I don’t know.
It hurts because he said loved me so much, I was his princess….bladibla. Do men have an on/off switch for feelings? The next day they can say the same thing to another woman?

He is with the new woman for 8-9 months, he is done playing the fields by now? It would be more logical that he is completely focused on that woman and removed me from his system?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Feelings and behavior are different. He could very well have loved you — even when he broke up with you. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you’re a good match. And that’s hard for some people to grasp. There are other things that are deal breakers, and especially in a second or third marriage, should be considered. You can’t just act on feelings — even feelings of love. In addition, someone who is very quick to use the L word and want to couple up may be impulsive and effusive — in other words, they’re quick to love and quick to articulate those feelings, but just because he loves you, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love someone else, too. 😉 It’s just a different of looking at things than you have been.

Also, remember that men who are divorced, on average, remarry within two years. So, he may very well have felt strongly about you, but he also may have picked up that you were hesitant about remarrying, or remarrying him, or some other incompatibility that in your playbook would be worked out over the course of time, and in his playbook, meant that you weren’t ready on his schedule. 😉

I hope that helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts