[0092084]

I posted a less detailed version of this question on another website as well.

Some time in May, an online friend and I had a falling out. It was pretty bad, I was at fault. I can’t really go into detail as to what happened. I want to protect our privacy. Because of an issue of mine and something I said to him, I think I triggered something and now he’s extremely uncomfortable interacting with me. I broke his heart too, unintentionally. I can’t go into detail about the nature of our friendship, but we met by chance and instantly bonded over secrets. Those secrets were the basis of our friendship. The secrets are very personal and are not usually accepted by most people. Those secrets we can’t share with just anyone. He was away for two months, after the falling out, so we had no contact with each other besides him trying to contact me because he needed emotional support for something unrelated to me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t be reached. When he returns home after two months he sends me an email. This is where things get interesting.

In his email (and subsequent emails thereafter) he was nice to me! Overall his email was pleasant. He didn’t treat me as someone who hurt him, although I did. He didn’t curse me out or cut me out of his life instantly. He even apologized for trying to get in contact with me for emotional support because he felt it was unfair of him to do so given our situation. Because of the way we spoke to each other before he left, I half expected us to have another knock down, drag out fight. That didn’t happen. We agreed to separate for an undetermined amount of time until we got our feelings sorted out and until he figured out if he wanted to remain friends. That’s fair. It was he who was hurt by my words and it is I who make him uncomfortable because of my personal issue.

I sort my feelings out before he did and gave him an update, I also sent him a heartfelt letter I’d been hanging on to, explaining how much I got out of the friendship. He responded in kindness to my emails and apologized for not giving me details or answers because he’s too uncomfortable to do so right now. He even told me he was glad I was making progress working on my personal issue! About two weeks ago, I sent him an email informing him of a computer issue that might affect him. He responded to that email like the old “Jake” would. As if we never had a problem.

I really hurt him with what I said and he doesn’t trust me because he thinks I might use the things he’s shared with me against him although I would never do that. He’s now extremely uncomfortable engaging with me as far as our secrets are concerned. Why is he still so nice to me? I know how angry he can get with me, but this time he wasn’t. Why? I cause him emotion pain and took our relationship from him, yet he’s still nice to me.

If it means anything, though out our friendship, I could tell he cares about me. He even got emotional once when he realized he hurt my feelings (well, he told me he got emotional). Is he still nice to me because he still cares about me? Any thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

For the record, I’m in my mid twenties.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m confused — fill me in a little, and I’ll give you my advice. 🙂

You said that you met this guy online in May — and that you were out of touch for 2 months since then. Did I get that right? Also, did you ever meet in person?

Let me know! 🙂

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[0092084]

I met him November 2014. We had the fight in late May, a few days before he left for a trip. He was away for two months. We live a long plane ride away from each other and life happens, so we haven’t had the chance to meet in person.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thank you! 😀

So you’re both in your 20s and you met online in November, and have been talking to each other for about 10 months, but never dated. And you want to know why he’s nice to you following a rift. (I wouldn’t call it a “break up” since that’s a term usually associated with people who are dating, and the two of you have a relationship where you haven’t really dated.) I think his being nice to you is just an easy choice to make. He may have a lot going on, and this rift may not have affected him the way you imagine it did. It may not have been a big deal in the scheme of things going on in his own life. And he probably does still care about you — but not enough to date you. 😕 So, just be careful so you don’t get hurt by pretending this is more than it is. Normally, when you meet a guy online, and you want a real life relationship, if he hasn’t asked you out on a real life date in three months from first meeting online, it’s not going to go anywhere in real life. That’s not to say you can’t get a lot out of an online relationship. Many people can. But just don’t trick yourself into thinking it’s something that it isn’t, and then getting disappointed and hurt, later.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions. I’m here!

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[0092084]

Thank You!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

If you need anything else, just ask!

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[0092084]

Sister in Potentially abusive relationship. How can I help her leave and avoid the same fate?

I hope my message doesn’t get too long and I hope you are able to help. If my message is all over the place, I apologize in advance.

My sister is in her early to mid twenties and has so far been in three relationships, four if you count this one. Although she and this guy, who we shall call “Michael” are friends they want to become a couple in the future. Of all the relationship’s she’s been in one was abusive and went on for seven years. This was back in high school and college. I fear that her friendship/relationship with Michael is a potentially abusive one.

My sister hasn’t had the best luck with guys. Our father wasn’t very kind to her growing up and she and I had the misfortune of watching our mother experience an abusive relationship for years with a man who isn’t our father. Our father didn’t hit her, but was extremely emotionally abusive (I’d rather not go into detail). My mother’s husband at the time was also very mean to us.

Here are a few issues I saw/see in their relationship and her response when the issues are brought up. This won’t be everything. I wasn’t there when the incidents happened. She tells me these things.

-He was very critical of her appearance, which is caused by a medical condition. He wouldn’t listen to her when she told him it was caused by the medical condition, and he demanded she use specific products to solve the problem. Her response: She does exactly what he says.

-He cursed her out on several occasions. Her response: He talks to everyone like that because of where he grew up.

-Extremely jealous and doesn’t want her sitting with other men at lunch (they work together). Not even her pals she know since middle school. Her response: On one occasion, she doesn’t sit with them, she sits alone. Other times she goes back and forth between sitting with them and not sitting with them.

-Isn’t considerate of her time. Everything has to be done when he’s ready despite other obligations she may have. Her response: Accepts it for what it is.

-He says she has to “submit” to him if she wants a relationship with him. Her response: “he said he meant ‘submit’ in the biblical sense”

Both my Mom and I feel that this is a potentially abusive relationship. We express our concern to her but it falls on deaf ears. Is this a potentially abusive relationship? How can we help her get out of it before things get worse? What can she do to prevent herself from getting into more abusive relationships in the future? She, on a very small level, realize that something isn’t right with her relationship with Michael, but she thinks talking to him about it, “when the time is right” will make things a little better. I don’t think so. She doesn’t want to leave him. She says the he’s the only guy who’s loved her the way she needs to be loved. I don’t even know what that means, but I think that will make it extremely difficult for her to leave if things get really bad.

Also, how can I avoid the same fate? I don’t want to get stuck in abusive relationships like those in my family have been in. I’m so scared to end up in one that I think my fear will prevent me from keeping many male friends or having relationships with them. For an example, a long while ago, a male friend blew up at me for basically no reason. He did apologize sincerely and cried because he felt bad, but I told myself if he blows up at me again, I might have to sever the friendship because I don’t want to end up stuck with an abusive friend. My friend doesn’t even raise any abusive red flags! People just explode every once in a while, including me. I do suspect my friend has some separate issues going on, but that’s another post for another day. How can I avoid abusive relationships while at the same time shake the idea that all men are going to abuse and take advantage of me?

Thanks in advance for your help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your sister is having an abusive relationship, the best thing you can do is express your feelings about the relationship and impose boundaries that indicate that you have a zero tolerance policy towards abuse. In other words, see her and be honest, but don’t see the boyfriend, don’t invite the boyfriend, and let her know that he is not welcome. This may mean that she won’t come around, but it’s more important that you take a stance and she knows it, than that you enable the relationship in order to be in touch with her.

As for your own relationships, it’s important to be aware of your past and your present so you can be conscious and make decisions that will steer you towards health and not abuse. When people have grown up in abusive relationships they’re familiar with them and have a tendency to reenact the historical dynamics because they feel comfortable. If you’re conscious of what you’re doing and why you will be giving yourself a chance to make decisions that allow you to get out of abuse and into healthy relationships.

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