[platypussdown]

I’ve been married for 10 1/2 years and the last few months have got me increasingly concerned about my relationship.
Here is some context and some of the things that are specifically concerning me.
My marriage is far from perfect and I fully acknowledge that I am a part of that and I have fault in that. I work +50 hours a week and provide a comfortable living for my wife and 4 kids. Sometimes I can be a bit critical of her contributions to the household. My expectations are tempered, I do not expect a perfectly neat home or dinner to be on the table by the time I arrive home, but sometimes the house is utterly appalling. My expectations that she be a productive contributor to the family has been an ongoing point of contention and may play into the current problems (note that I have given her my blessing in joining the workforce and contributing in that way should she prefer that to being a stay-at-home mother.)
Lately some of the things spoken and done lead me to think that perhaps our marriage is suffering its death rattle.
My wife has been increasingly and extraordinarily critical of me. I.E. she blew up at me when I offered to teach her(at her request) to make hot cereal…I don’t even care if she knows how to make hot cereal… She has been unusually critical of other people in my family to where none of my siblings and their spouses want to be around her (literally, she freaked out that my SIL was trying to help plan thanksgiving dinner). She told me yesterday that she hopes she can avoid hating me because of my family. She texted me that she is “a mad person and that people should stay away from her.” She was mad at that she was included in a text chain that was not even my text chain. She was mad at me that my Mom bought our oldest kid an x-mas gift that, when we talked about it, I understood that it was ok to get for the oldest but not the next oldest…apparently not so much. Either way, I’m not sure why anyone should dictate what toy my mom buys our kids for x-mas (so long that they are not blatantly inappropriate of course).
She has gotten angry with me for taking “me” time…note that I may take as much as a couple of hours in a week to do something that I would like to do. It seems like she is looking for reasons to be angry, not just with me but in general. She rarely expresses interest in bed (we might be intimate on an avg 3x/mo for the last year) and often rejects my advances. She refuses to listen to any advice I may have to give on any matter (I’ve literally quoted stuff from a John Gottman book that she openly scoffed at until a marriage counselor quoted the exact same thing).
I have made a concerted effort over the last few months to demonstrate my love for her, to take an extra hand as cleaning the house (more that I normally would), to offer her less critique of anything. This has only resulted in her behavior getting increasingly erratic and her showing even more anger.

Again, I acknowledge that perhaps my actions over the years has led to a building resentment towards me…but maybe not. What I wonder is, is there any saving this? I find myself depressed about our relationship, feeling like it is a lost cause and hopeless. I really don’t want a divorce, especially considering the kids. I am starting to just shut down around her (stonewalling as Gottman might call it). Because anything I do or say will result in her wrath. Common discussions that were once safe and that have nothing at stake turn into bitter and angry fights.
I’ve tried to offer up a small sample of our relationship and, again, I know that this is very one sided because my wife undoubtedly has her own version of things. But given the sample that I can provide and looking at what I described as daily problems I don’t know what to do. This is unprecedented in our marriage (with the exception of when she is pregnant, she is kind of crazy when she is pregnant…but she is not pregnant). Is it a passing bout of trouble or has the status quo changed in a terrible way?
I cannot change her but I can change me. What can I change that would mitigate these issues? Is there anything I can do that would help her want to change or are we doomed?

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like the two of you are in a power struggle, and you’re right that you’re the one who has to change his behavior because you can’t change hers. If you are willing to do that, some of the things you might want to do are to drop any criticism of her at all — including doing anything that you know might be misconstrued, even if you think you didn’t intend it to be criticism. “Don’t sweat the small stuff” is what comes to mind. For instance, if the house is a mess, but you have great sex, maybe it’s okay for the house to be a mess. Or if she burns dinner every night, but the two of you don’t fight for month, maybe it’s better to scrape the burned part off the dinner and be happy that you’re getting along. The flip side of letting things go is to begin to cherish her in ways you used to, but haven’t lately. Bringing her flowers, gifts, love letters, and taking her out on dates are all some ways to get back to that place where she feels appreciated, and you feel like you’re making her feel appreciated. When she gets angry at your family, try to be on her side — for now. Even if you feel she’s wrong, support her anyway, because you want to get your marriage back. Sometimes being right isn’t as important as being happy — or even peaceful.

I hope that this helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Lune David]

Thanks, April — your response really puts things into perspective. It’s incredible how a marriage can slowly shift into a power struggle without either partner actually intending it. The way you simplified “don’t sweat the small stuff” makes the situation feel a little less overwhelming — even if ignoring a messy house or burnt cereal does feel like an Olympic-level event sometimes.

I appreciate how you emphasized showing appreciation in small, consistent ways. It’s easy to forget that kindness and patience can sometimes change the emotional climate faster than any big “fix.”

My question for you is:
In a situation like this — where one partner starts making real changes, softening their approach, and practicing patience — how do you know if the other partner is actually warming up… or if they’ve emotionally checked out for good?

[Member]

Posts