[gracewest]

My husband hasn’t touched me for months. I asked him about it in a quiet, non-confrontational way last week, and he said nothing was wrong. Last night we were arguing about something else, and he blurted out that he does not want to have sex with me anymore. I asked him to repeat what he said, to make sure I understood. He stated very strongly that he does not want to have sex with me. He left and said he was going to a hotel, didn’t come home last night.

We have been married 7 years. I am hurt and baffled. My first thought is that he must be having an affair. What do I do now?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The fact that he said he doesn’t want to have sex with you any more is one thing, but because he also moved out, that indicates that it’s not just sex that’s the problem here. Give him some time to cool down, and then talk to him about what’s going on. He may be building up to telling you he wants a divorce, and his picking a fight on this subject is the best he can do to initiate that break up.

My advice, however, is not to back him into a corner when you do talk to him. I know you’re hurt and angry, but you have to keep your eye on the ball. Be kind. Be the woman you were when he fell for you first, and listen.

This isn’t over yet, and he will be back and there will be a conversation. The goal for you is not to turn it into a knock down drag out fight where you’re satisfied because you express your anger, but you lose the opportunity to learn what’s going on and he realizes that the fight is the final straw.

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