I might as well mention my past sexual history so as to perhaps allow you a better picture… I was sexually assaulted from the ages of at least 3 to 12 by my older brothers on a daily basis. I managed to stop them by threatening them and at age 16 I left home completely. I then started to live a very promiscuous life (I know I was looking for someone to love me, but all I did was replace where the abuse was coming from as it had become such a part of my life) I did not enjoy sex but enjoyed the male attention even though it was a different guy at least 2-3 times a week for a few years until I got pregnant (the best thing that ever happened to me, my child is the greatest, my world, my saviour and he makes me so proud). I then turned against men completely and it was years before I went back dating. Since then I’ve had 3 long enough relationships but they all turn out the same way – the first few months are great but then I change and begin to pick holes in everything they do as nothing they can do is good enough despite them loving me so very much. I am trying so hard in this relationship at present to try not let it go the same way. I know he loves me deeply, after what he’s been through with me and zero intimacy for the longest time and still waiting for me to recover he must really love me. He does deserve better, and I was hoping I could be better for him as I know he deserves better than me right now, but I want it to be me… I just don’t know how to allow it to be me without him suffering further. At the moment we are both suffering but how am I to lower my expectations and feel worthy to him the way he dismisses me; how am I to feel better within myself in order to feel better within our relationship. At the wedding it just proved once again how many mates he has and how I just don’t fit in, nor do I know how to fit in. I’m not a drinker, a few social once in a blue moon drinker does me fine. We should not be living together, he has his own place, but he feels the need to be here all the time, and that was from an early stage in the relationship once I had asked my child if it was ok for me to date this guy because I knew it would impact on his life also.(I know not the cleverest thing to do… I’ve tried asking him to only come by a few times a week but he just never abides by that saying that he hates schedules like that) But I never have any time alone and if we do have an argument he always always gets so defensive and storms out of the room like a child… I know this is perhaps a common reaction that males have but it doesn’t work for me, how are we to sort anything. Then he denies his part completely and I’m left feeling what’s the point cos nothing will change. We share little interests, his are drinking, sport and tv… mine are walking and talking. So nothing we might be in the same house but in different rooms, then he hops into bed beside me and nothing happens, usually not even cuddles. I know it sounds like we’re not right for each other, and that I need help also but I’ve had years of therapy and I’m still the same when it comes to relationships. I really just don’t know what to do. He does try. He is beginning to do things i enjoy a little at a time.
We’ve been apart not even 42hours now as he’s been off at the wedding celebrations and he rang once yesterday evening to see if I was joining him for the after-party but I said no, even though I wanted to say yes but I felt like nothing was resolved as to how he had treated me and so I’d sulk a little longer… but in my head I feel like he won’t even be missing me, although I know that’s not completely true as I know he will but he’ll get on with it drinking with his mates while I wallow in it here at home. When he isn’t here I miss him so much and when he is here I treat him like I don’t want him to be here, its just not fair.. But its immediate when he walks in I’m like ready to pounce for any reason whatsoever, I don’t speak lovingly, I try to be as disinterested as possible without him realising it (but he does and we have an argument) I remember someone said if a couple fight about the small things then they really have not a lot to fight about at all, but are we fighting about the small things to avoid fighting about something bigger… I don’t know… oooooh help me please please please…
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