[yelp]

I’m going through a tough time in my relationship. I don’t know what to do. Am I expecting too much or simply not giving enough? I’m dating a truly nice guy, eveyone thinks of him as so. But when it comes to me its like i only exist when he wants to acknowledge me. We’ve been dating for 16months now… at first I accepted everything because it was all new but as the months went on it all changed. Now I wonder are we just too opposite from one another for us to work together. He was the one to go out drinking every weekend whereas I like to stay at home or at least out of the pub; so that was an issue for us but truly he has made huge changes in this regard and stays in, going out only once a weekend now if not once every forthnight. He has a huge male drinking pals circle so i’m not sure if part of me is jealous of that as i have no social circle – i find it difficult to find new friends. I’ve tried mixing with his friends but am only at ease with a handful as the others are merely drinkers, young, loud and not that into having women in the circle. I’m not old (we’re both 32) but i must admit i have little desire to go out socialising and i know this causes conflict for us. Also when i do agree to go out it leads to another arguement as he likes to hit the town early 8pm and i like to go out later 10pm. Part of me not wanting to go out is my self-image… i feel fat and hate how everything looks on me and i don’t want to be depressed looking at gorgeous women out on the town. I cannot remember how long it has been, but its been likely a year since we’ve had regular sex… in the last 6 months he’d be lucky to have had me agree to sex about 6 times and at that i hate it but pretend to like it for his sake (not that he’s not good at it)… as in i know for him it is his way of showing me how much he loves me but there’s nothing about it that i like – its a chore and i feel it is merely for his satisfaction and that he’ll want more. This has caused major problems for us as also in the same time period i have withdrawn all intimacy, hugging kissing the lot. I can’t stand when he wants to be intimate in these ways and it puts me off further. There are times i will feel like giving him a hug but if and when i do give him a hug i feel as if he thinks that he can push the boat further and try for more which makes me push him away again. I know i have issues but i don’t know how to deal with it as when i push myself to get past it and become closer to him its like i push my body to partake in the action but my mind is self-talking a whole different take on the situation. There seems to be no winning for me, or him. The further i’ve pushed myself away from him the more sensitive he has become and I can’t do or say anything right, and in my eyes nor can he… we’re both on egg-shells and i’m wondering when it will all crack completely. I should say that i take note of every little action and he says that i read too much into everything… but i see this as his way of smoothing over things that should not be, covering his own back. For instance we were at a wedding recently and at the church when it was time to offer one another the sign of peace by shaking one anothers hands, he shook about 6 others hands and ignored me standing right beside him with my arm outstretched to him while he crossed by me to reach over for his mates hand standing to my left – totally ignoring me! He says that it wasn’t meant in a bad way, that he didn’t realise… i mean didn’t realise that his girl was standing right beside him, didn’t realise that the supposed love of his life was there (in the romantic setting such as the wedding) and all he could think of was his mates. And I’m supposed to be ok with this and there is a list longer than my arm of such thoughlessness towards me and i’m to be ok with it all because when i point it out to him he says ‘it wasn’t meant that way’ or better yet he tries to put it back on me and blame me! One of his sisters hates me – for no reason whatsoever… other than perhaps she fears that my son and I will move into his house that she sponges off him for herself and her boyfriend. (My partner is not my son’s father) So she treated me disgustingly for a year and no matter how much i tried to tell him this he said i was being paranoid… when others saw her slam doors in my face in his house among other rudeness… When I told him that her boyfriend admitted this to me at his other sisters 30th and said that it was a shame how things have gone between us and it was all their fault and they’d love for us all to hang out… for me it was a validation of what i’d been trying to tell him but for him it was as if it was something new he was hearing for the first time and then he became all protective and i was like get lost, now you believe me regardless of the many times i tried speaking to you about it! Do i love him? i know i used to and now i dont’ know anymore… i wonder if i’m just used to having him around or if i will miss how helpful he can be in regards to dropping and picking my son up from school when he’s off work, or when he cooks the dinner for us all, or how he treats me to things now and then, or how he is company for me in the house… i just don’t know because there’s not much space in between all the arguements to be able to tell if there is any love left… But i do know that he does love me in his own way, but its not anywhere near the way i want to be loved and i’m not sure he can love me the way i want to be loved… which brings me back to my question do i expect too much, can anyone love me the way i want to be loved? One thing i do know is that if we were to end i would miss having someone love me…

[yelp]

I might as well mention my past sexual history so as to perhaps allow you a better picture… I was sexually assaulted from the ages of at least 3 to 12 by my older brothers on a daily basis. I managed to stop them by threatening them and at age 16 I left home completely. I then started to live a very promiscuous life (I know I was looking for someone to love me, but all I did was replace where the abuse was coming from as it had become such a part of my life) I did not enjoy sex but enjoyed the male attention even though it was a different guy at least 2-3 times a week for a few years until I got pregnant (the best thing that ever happened to me, my child is the greatest, my world, my saviour and he makes me so proud). I then turned against men completely and it was years before I went back dating. Since then I’ve had 3 long enough relationships but they all turn out the same way – the first few months are great but then I change and begin to pick holes in everything they do as nothing they can do is good enough despite them loving me so very much. I am trying so hard in this relationship at present to try not let it go the same way. I know he loves me deeply, after what he’s been through with me and zero intimacy for the longest time and still waiting for me to recover he must really love me. He does deserve better, and I was hoping I could be better for him as I know he deserves better than me right now, but I want it to be me… I just don’t know how to allow it to be me without him suffering further. At the moment we are both suffering but how am I to lower my expectations and feel worthy to him the way he dismisses me; how am I to feel better within myself in order to feel better within our relationship. At the wedding it just proved once again how many mates he has and how I just don’t fit in, nor do I know how to fit in. I’m not a drinker, a few social once in a blue moon drinker does me fine. We should not be living together, he has his own place, but he feels the need to be here all the time, and that was from an early stage in the relationship once I had asked my child if it was ok for me to date this guy because I knew it would impact on his life also.(I know not the cleverest thing to do… I’ve tried asking him to only come by a few times a week but he just never abides by that saying that he hates schedules like that) But I never have any time alone and if we do have an argument he always always gets so defensive and storms out of the room like a child… I know this is perhaps a common reaction that males have but it doesn’t work for me, how are we to sort anything. Then he denies his part completely and I’m left feeling what’s the point cos nothing will change. We share little interests, his are drinking, sport and tv… mine are walking and talking. So nothing we might be in the same house but in different rooms, then he hops into bed beside me and nothing happens, usually not even cuddles. I know it sounds like we’re not right for each other, and that I need help also but I’ve had years of therapy and I’m still the same when it comes to relationships. I really just don’t know what to do. He does try. He is beginning to do things i enjoy a little at a time.
We’ve been apart not even 42hours now as he’s been off at the wedding celebrations and he rang once yesterday evening to see if I was joining him for the after-party but I said no, even though I wanted to say yes but I felt like nothing was resolved as to how he had treated me and so I’d sulk a little longer… but in my head I feel like he won’t even be missing me, although I know that’s not completely true as I know he will but he’ll get on with it drinking with his mates while I wallow in it here at home. When he isn’t here I miss him so much and when he is here I treat him like I don’t want him to be here, its just not fair.. But its immediate when he walks in I’m like ready to pounce for any reason whatsoever, I don’t speak lovingly, I try to be as disinterested as possible without him realising it (but he does and we have an argument) I remember someone said if a couple fight about the small things then they really have not a lot to fight about at all, but are we fighting about the small things to avoid fighting about something bigger… I don’t know… oooooh help me please please please…

[Ask April Masini]

You have a complicated and damaged personal history that is what you need to focus on. It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone else until you have one with yourself. That’s where your problem lies right now, and all your focus should be on you right now.

Because of your history of sexual abuse, it is understandable that you are unable to have real intimacy with anyone and you’re pushing people away from you as soon as a relationship becomes intimate in any way. You will have to be very gentle and patient with yourself, as well as vigilant. Every time you feel yourself pushing him (or anyone) away, stop yourself in the moment and say to yourself, and when you’re ready, to him, — “I don’t want to be acting the way I’m acting right now. Can you help me?” This will be a big step towards recognizing the incongruity between your behavior and your feelings. This will be the first step towards changing your behavior.

This step alone is actually HUGE, and it’s what I’d ask you to focus on for now.

After you are able to get there, you can take another baby step and say, “I really want to be loving and close with you and I’m having trouble.” This step allows the other person to see your intention. It’s also a jumping off place for you to try and discuss what it is you really want to say and do (be loving, hug, express affection) and what you do instead — and why. That why is super hard to dredge up and express, but I think you can do it. 😉

Until you can take these steps, all the rest is graduate level relationship work that you’re just not ready for. It’s understandable that you’re depressed, hiding behind your weight, not wanting to go out. You don’t trust the world — or yourself to take care of yourself. And you’re projecting those feelings onto your boyfriend. You blame him for not taking care of you — but the truth is you are the one who stopped the abuse as a child when no one else protected you, and you are the one who can continue to protect and take care of yourself now. You will have to self teach because you don’t have the benefit of adults who showed you how to do this — but I am confident from your posts and your insight that you CAN DO THIS! 🙂

For now, stay away from relationship goals, and keep things light. As far as your boyfriend spending more time at your home with you and your child, remember: YOU are the one who has to protect your child from your boyfriend being there more than YOU want him to be. YOU are the one who has to uphold boundaries. Don’t put your child in a situation he or she shouldn’t be in. YOU be the adult here, and maintain a household that is healthy for your child.

I hope that that helps for now. 🙂

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