[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you really like him, but if you’ve dated someone for 18 months, and they’re not sure about you or about the relationship — there’s probably not a chance for a solid future together. In addition, he left when you got sick, which doesn’t show a lot of commitment to you. It sounds like you’re blaming yourself for getting sick and not being able to cuddle or have sex — but it sounds like this was only a three month illness, not a chronic conditions. And since the two of your are both in your 50s, you have to face the reality that it’s more likely that one or both of you may have health issues in the coming years, than if you were dating in your 20s or 30s. Many people have super healthy senior years, but it’s also not uncommon for folks to have medical issues as they get a little older. So, in a way, you got a little insight into what he may do if you were to wind up together again, and the chips were down. 😕

I don’t think this is someone who is going to make a loyal, long-term partner — simply because he left when you got sick and is back when you’re better, but without giving up his new girlfriend. Dating your for 18 months was plenty of time for him to decide if you were “the one” or not, and I think he’s decided you’re Ms. Right Now — not the one he’d give up a girlfriend for, or stick around for if you got sick. That’s a fun time boyfriend, not someone who is commitment material.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re both unhappy with the structure of the relationship. You don’t like the fact that she’s out at bars, possibly flirting and maybe even hooking up, dating or meeting someone new. You also don’t like the fact that you can’t protect her if something untoward happens to her, because you’re 2000 miles away. That all makes sense and I completely understand where you’re coming from. As for her, it sounds like she doesn’t like this long distance part of the relationship and either she’s acting out or she’s trying to make a new life for herself since you’re so far away. Would it be great if she focused on work, her friends and family rather than bars and parties? Yes. But, I’m not going to judge either one of you. Let’s just solve this.

Long distance is very difficult in relationships. To make it work, you have to let a lot go. You can’t expect the same behaviors that you would if you were in the same town. I know this is hard, but it’s what people who make long distance relationships work, do when they’re not on the same page about the distance. You also have to practice a little “don’t ask, don’t tell,” because of the distance over the long term.

If that doesn’t resonate for you… and you really think that she’s behaving badly because she’s unhappy that you’re away, consider the long distance part of the relationship. Do you have an end date for the long distance part? If not, make one! You mentioned she’s your fiancee — is there a wedding date? If not, get one! Maybe you can move these dates up to make the relationship feel more of a priority to her. In addition, try to make sure you can see each other regularly for weekends or longer. Every two weeks would be ideal, and not just to practice romance and show your passion — but to show your commitment to the relationship.

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

The reason you haven’t given your boyfriend a straight answer is because you know the right answer is going to disappoint him. 😮 Since you’re a junior in college and your parents have invested in your education, it would be a pretty dumb idea to drop out when you’re almost 75% finished, unless there was a [b][u]really [/u][/b]good reason to do so. You’re almost finished!! To simply follow your boyfriend, who is flunking out 😕 and planning to drop out, to run away, doesn’t seem like it’s in your best interest — or his. What is he running away from? Why doesn’t he simply stick around and get a job nearby so that the two of you can be together while you finish your education? That way you’d have a future together. 😉 I know you’re feeling stressed about his possibly dumping you because you won’t drop out and run away with him — but it’s time to be straight with him and then to let him be straight with you, knowing your feelings. True love is really about being honest with one another, and you haven’t been. 😥 You need to tell him that you don’t want to drop out of college because you’re doing well, your family has invested in you and your education, and you want a future for yourself — and for the two of you. Give him the chance to man up and sacrifice for your relationship. 😉 If he knows what you want, then he can make a decision based on that knowledge — so, it’s time to tell him.

Never be afraid of the truth. If he really loves you, then the two of you will be honest with each other and decide if you want to try to make things work, or if the relationship is best ended. I know how painful this is for you, but it’s really important to face reality together.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s definitely interested in you and your company, but he’s a lazy dater. The good and bad news is that the ball is really in your court. You have to change your behavior in order to get him to change his. Here are a few ways you can do that.

Give him something to chase. If you’re there and responsive every time he texts then you’re complicit in this lazy dating. So, don’t go along with it. Stretch out your response texting times — and tell him that you’re sorry you missed him, but you were at this great farmer’s market in the morning, or you went for a beautiful run along a lake or there was a great party you went to the night before and you slept in. If he remarks that that sounds nice, tell him that you’d love for him to invite you do something like — be it the party, the farmer’s market or the exercise date. The idea is to be just as happy to hear from him as always, but to make him want you by not being available on demand.

Next, instead of complying with his invitations to meet at his home, since you’ve been together for a few months now, suggest that he take you out on a date. You can do it in a way that’s flirty and not demanding or critical by letting him know how much you’d love it if he’d ask you. At the same time, don’t be available for these home hang out dates. You can mention that you would love to be with him, but there’s a movie you were aching to see or a restaurant you really want to try, or that you really feel like a romantic night out…. and leave that hanging. That’s how you put the ball in his court.

If you do these things, and he doesn’t change his behavior, then he’s not interested in more than there is right now. And if that’s the case, better for you to learn that now and move on to someone who wants more for you and is more compatible with the relationship you see yourself in. But he may need this nudge on your part to get him out of his rut. 😉 I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for your question! Please start a fresh thread for your question so that the person who posted here can get advice that is just for them. Here’s the link where you can post a question: https://relationshipadviceforum.com/premium Happy Holidays!! And I look forward to hearing from you directly — not as a reply to someone else’s post

[April Masini, your AskApril]

“Fixing” relationships is often tricky business because what one person think is a fixed relationship may not seem like a fix at all to the other person. When there’s a breakup involved, it’s best to get the most closure you can, and then to shift your focus towards your future, and away from your past. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for sending your photo — clearly you are very beautiful….. but men don’t always go for the most beautiful woman in the room. 😉 They go for the one who makes them feel the way they want to feel. And his initial connection with you was a whirlwind of sexy romance. That’s what he liked about you when you were “together” and if you want him back, that’s what you have to aim for.

Don’t discuss your feelings and that you miss him, or that you’re interested in friendship or that you had a procedure — he wants things sexy and hot. Not normal. And if you want to get him back you have to focus on that fact. This isn’t a guy who wants a “relationship”. He wants that hot affair with a married woman who’s a little bit older than him who he met at the gym. That’s the fantasy he was going for — and that’s what the two of you were. So instead of inviting him to a hotel room, slip him a key. No words, just the key in an envelope with the time you’ll be there and the hotel address and room number. Or just nod towards the bathrooms and give him your most smoldering, sexy look as you go wait for him in there. The conversations about friendship and medical procedures just take him further away from what you had that you’re trying to get back.

Of course… if you don’t want that kind of fast, hot connection, and you want a traditional relationship — he’s not your guy. That’s never what he was going for. But if you do want him back, don’t have “talks” and instead, get down to action. 😎

All that said… at the same time, make sure you don’t come across as desperate or needy. Balance the advice I’ve given you here, with hanging back and waiting. Chances are he’s seeing other women the same way he initiated with you…. but if he is, he’ll eventually come back to you, wondering if you’re still game. I’m pretty sure of that. So be ready — if this is what you want!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want him back, then flirt with him. 😎 Don’t have any heavy talks about feelings. Instead, let him know you want to see him — and not for dinner and a movie, but for more of what brought you together in the first place. 😉 He’s looking for sex in a whirlwind, so if you want him back, offer that to him. You can do this by flirting with him in the gym, showing up early, pulling him aside — since you were making out in the women’s bathroom last time, maybe let him know you’re going to wait for him in there at a particular time, and see if he takes the bait!

If that doesn’t work, flat out invite him to meet up with you in the showers, before the gym opens or after it closes. Less talk, more action — this is what he wants and so this is what you need to give him if you want him back the way you were together before the rift! You can even rent a hotel room and slip him a key.

Still not working? Try gifts. If you leave him a beautifully wrapped present that’s something sexy — male lingerie, furry handcuffs, a gift certificate for a personal massage from you…. you get the idea.

Lastly? Suggest you need private martial arts training and you were hoping he could help you out. This should definitely seal the deal!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Agreed — you’re taking the relationship more seriously than she is. Her behavior is a big clue to that extent. Take the hint and decide if you want to stay or go. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Starting to date can be a scary proposition — especially for people who don’t have experience and worry about rejection. But…. if you don’t take the risk, you won’t reap the rewards! Getting over that hump is important. And, besides, remember that rejection is actually a great gift because if someone says no, you’ll get a clear hint that it’s time to move on and find someone who IS interested in dating you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

College relationships can be very meaningful — and many times they’re a first serious relationship for people, making them even more poignant. That’s why it’s particularly difficult to let go and move on when they wind down and sometimes even end without a big bang.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Getting out of the friend zone can be tough — but it’s worth it to figure out exactly where you stand. I know it’s scary to risk rejection, but I’d encourage you to take that risk. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Moving on after a breakup, especially when the relationship was long-term, can be very difficult. Not everyone has the social and emotional tools to be straight with you, following a break up — or even leading up to one. And feelings aren’t always straightforward! That’s why you’ll see behavior that may seem indirect or passive aggressive, or back and forth. People who break up with you do the best they can with what they have, and while it’s frustrating and sometimes hard to grasp what’s going on or if it’s really over, it’s important to try and keep perspective so you can have a handle on what YOU should do next. Clinging to strands of the ending relationship and giving them meaning that they don’t really have, is common — when it’s hard to let go.

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