[April Masini, your AskApril]

No, it doesn’t sound dumb at all. In fact, statistically, 90% of relationships break up over two things: sex or money. If a couple is not compatible in these two areas the relationship is more likely than not to run into serious difficultly.

The good news for you is that (1) you are very young, and (2), you recognize that there is a problem and you are making an effort to address it. The bad news is that if your boyfriend is unwilling (or unable) to meet your needs then you’ve got a hard decision to make.

There are a number of things that can contribute to a man’s decrease in sex drive — stress being at the top of the list (change of job, financial difficulties, etc.). On the other hand, you mention that his lack of desire became apparent almost immediately, which causes me some concern…. I can’t help but wonder if the two of you are just not that sexually compatible. Needless to say, it’s a lot more satisfying to be with someone whose needs, drives and desires are more closely aligned with yours, than not. Equally, when there is a drastic difference in partners needs and desires infidelity is likely to ensure and the relationship (generally) will not last.

My recommendation is for you to have a serious, non accusatory, non threatening, discussion with your boyfriend about how you feel and the fact that your needs are not being met. Ask him if he is willing to work on improving the situation with you. If he does agree to make an effort to work on the situation — and then follows through, you’ve got a good shot at making the relationship work. If he doesn’t, I think you need to consider finding someone who is more compatible with you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, I do think you are doing the right thing by taking the month off from any contact. Under the circumstances you both need the opportunity, time and space to figure out what (and who) you want. Continuing to communicate during this time does not accurately demonstrate what it would be like to be without the other person, nor does it really allow you to truly date other people and give them / a relationship with them a chance, because you’re remaining connected to your “broken” relationship. You need to start the process of moving on — something she initiated and has already begun.

A breakup is meant to be just that — a break up. Your girlfriend broke up with you. Let there be no mistake about it. And she’s dating someone new.

In honesty, I have a suspicion that your ex-girlfriend may have met this “new friend” around the time she told you that “she needed to be alone to figure things out”. Which, in honesty, was the appropriate thing for her to do (ie: break up rather than cheat) — for both of you… assuming for a second that my hunch is correct.

That said, you have told her how you feel — the ball is in her court. She asked for the space and time alone, you need to give it to her… and not just for her — but for you. No one wants to be with someone who isn’t sure they want to be with them — let alone wants to be with someone else. And definitely not you!

Frankly, I think you should stick to your guns, cease all communication with her, and start dating other women– immediately.

If she loves you as she says she does, she’ll come back to you and tell you she made a mistake in breaking up with you. Then she’ll make every effort to rekindle / resume the relationship with you. And at that point the choice will be yours. If she doesn’t come back — she wasn’t “the one” for you.

I realize this is painful and upsetting, I’m sorry.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Honestly, I do not think you should be focused on “earning his trust back”. Remember, he pretty much did the same thing you did… Didn’t he? He went back to his girlfriend and gave his former relationship another try, too. Right?

[b]What I would strongly suggest is that you [u]do not[/u] chase him.[/b] You’ve told him how you feel. The ball is in his court. Leave it there and let him pick it up and run with it when he’s ready.

I think that if you act like your normal friendly self around him — nothing more, nothing less — you will get the best result. Specifically, if he says “hi” to you, you say “hi” to him. If he doesn’t — you don’t. Let him set the pace. Let him pursue you.

Focus on your classes and your friends and let him come to you. If there was chemistry between you, he will. Just sit back, be patient and let him make the advances.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I realize that you are in a very upsetting situation. Unfortunately, I have a lot of women ask me, [b][i]what should I do to get my guy to commit or to move our relationship to the next level (or some other version of your question and circumstance)?[/i] [/b] That being the case, I know that you are not going to like what I have to say on this topic. However, since you asked me I must assume that you really want to know the truth of what I think you should do.

So here it goes… I honestly believe that when a man says something like “I don’t see a future with you” that you should take what he’s telling you at face value. Of course there’s always the possibility that when you do what I’m about to recommend you do that he’ll change his tune. But, unless/until he does (and backs up his change of heart up with actions demonstrating such) here’s what I suggest to you and any woman who find herself in a similar situation:

If a woman feels like her guy is wasting her time and may never ask her to marry him, she should stop spending all of her time with him and immediately begin to date other men

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What should you do the next time you see her? Absolutely nothing. Be civil. Say hello to her

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, I’m afraid you’re not going to like my advice, but you asked so I’m going to tell you the truth.

I think his behavior is telling you all you need to know…. Be that in his pursuit of you (or lack thereof), his affection towards you (or lack thereof), or his desire to do things with and for you (or lack thereof).

You aggressively pursued this man, he did not pursue you. Now you are taking steps to continue seeing him, he is not going out of his way to see you.

Why isn’t he? Simple. He doesn’t have to.

What should you do? Also simple. STOP!

Give him his key back, stop calling him, stop going over to his house — stop everything. If he is interested in a relationship with you he will come after you and he will ask you on a date. If he doesn’t, he was never interested in the first place.

I realize this may sound harsh, but I find so many women want to make excuses for why a man doesn’t email, doesn’t call, doesn’t pursue them, etc. when the answer is very simple. He’s doesn’t do it because he’s not interested enough to do so. If he was — Trust Me. He would.

I’m sorry that this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I honestly believe it’s what you need to hear. You are not a pizza that gets delivered to his door-step every night.

I would strongly recommend that you read my book, Think & Date Like A Man…

I wish you all the best.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, Jamie, you’ve asked several questions between your two posts so I’m going to try and condense my answer and concentrate on how to achieve your goal. You say that you want to stop having one night stands and start having actual relationships? Okay…. Here’s what I suggest you do.

First, you should figure out who the woman of you dreams actually is — meaning the type of girl you want to date and have a relationship with. Not the kind of girl you would have a one night stand with, but an actual on-going relationship. ( I strongly suspect that there’s a difference between the kind of girl you’d hook-up in a bar with for one night and one that you can imagine spending six months — or the rest of your life with. Right?) Now, if your ideal woman is Pamela Anderson, you’ve got a problem because there’s only one of her. But if it’s someone with a figure like Pamela Anderson, who’s successful with a sweet disposition, a job in the arts, a single mom (or a single person without kids) — we can begin to piece together a real person

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Very well done GLAM0927 !

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Jamie, you’re learning an important lesson early in life: competition exists in the dating world! And the best way to win is to be your best self. Someone will like you because of you — so the more you put yourself out there and have fun in your life, the more likely other boys will be to notice you.

Notice where you and your friend that everyone likes are different, and emphasize those differences. If you’re athletic and she’s not — go out for a sports team. If she’s athletic and you’re not, get involved in Student Council or music. Don’t make up differences, but where they do exist, emphasize them with your own special style.

Most importantly, know that you’re a winner and act like one. The worst thing you could do would be to act like second best. That’s why it’s a good idea to work on your individuality.

As for your friend’s popularity — watch her and see what it is she does that boys like so much. You may learn something from her. Also, tell her how you feel — in a friendly way. She may not know your feelings, and if she’s a nice person, she may be empathetic and helpful. If she’s not a nice person, well, then, you be the nice one! Boys (the ones that are worth dating) love nice girls.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think it’s pretty basic — don’t date anyone who is still married.

You’re worth having a woman all to yourself — and if she’s still married, she’s still married. Period.

Lots of men make the mistake of dating a woman who is “practically divorced”, and find themselves in the middle of heartbreak or broken bones. Even if she tells you she’s divorcing, there may be two sides to the story — in fact there most likely are, and her husband has the other half of that story. If she’s still not divorced you’re going to be a rebound relationship for her — which may be fine for you, but if you want more, it may lead to a broken heart for you. She needs to get out there and date and figure out what went wrong with her divorce and get some distance between her soon to be ex-husband, that relationship and her next one.

In addition, she has a young child who is going to suffer the trauma of divorce and the transitions that go with it. The child doesn’t need a new man in his life any time soon. More, until the ink is dry on the divorce decree, and a judge has stamped it, she can change her mind and go back to her husband. And if all that isn’t enough to change your mind, remember that husbands — even ex-husbands — in fact even ex-husbands who instigated the divorce — can become very proprietary and jealous when they see their ex-wife with another man or even hear wind of the fact that she’s dating. If he’s unstable, then you’ve got not only a potential married girlfriend, with a son, but you’ve got her unstable husband in her life — and believe me he’s not going to be happy that his son has a potentially new step-father to take his place — and even though YOU think that that is jumping the gun, he won’t. He’s going to feel displaced, jealous, angry, and maybe more. How he acts on those feelings is completely unknown.

Have I scared you off completely? I didn’t mean to. However, since you’re 20 years old, and at the beginning of your “dating career”, you need to follow a few rules, number one being, Date single women.

The second rule you need to understand is that there are a LOT of women for you to date. You may or may not believe that right now, but when you want a date, it’s easy to get one. There are lots of women all around you, and there dating services and internet dating among other personal and private dating services and venues. So, how do you decide who to date so that you don’t end up swarmed with Ms. Wrongs? You know yourself and what it is you want.

It’s very easy to get involved with a woman, and once you are, getting uninvolved because you’ve made a mistake from the get-go, is not so easy for many people. There are hurt feelings, wasted time and money and missed opportunities. So the more you know what you want in a date, the better your dating experiences will be.

Here are some questions to ask yourself before you start dating: What kind of relationship do you want? Do you want to date more than one woman at a time? How many women do you want to date, if so? If you want to just have a good time, but not get serious, then you’d be wise to stay away from single mothers — they have responsibilities and while they definitely want to have fun, they are not as carefree as women without children. It’s a fact. If you do want to get serious, then are you looking for a long term, committed relationship that will lead to marriage or just a committed, monogamous relationship for now? Do you want to experience women of all different ages or someone closer to your own age? Does religion, race, background and other similarities matter to you? How much do they matter — are they “deal breakers”?

Some of these questions you can ask yourself now. Some questions will come up as you begin dating. You’ll realize things about yourself that you didn’t know were important or even questions. That’s the beauty of dating — self-discovery and sharing that discovery, which is what intimacy is.

So the bottom line is, no, you should not go out with this woman. You should meet women who are single, and if they’re divorced, at least a year out of their divorce, so that you’re not Mr. Rebound, and they may possibly be Ms. Right.

I wish you good luck in love and life,

April Masini

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, what are you waiting for? The time has come, and you have to make your move. Walk over to her and ask her out! By doing so, she will be on the spot, but that

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, there’s really no set amount of time one should wait for the first (real) kiss. What I would say is that you should to do what feels right for you. If you are very, very attracted to a man and you feel like kissing him, there’s nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, if you’re unsure about how you feel — definitely don’t… “Thank you” along with a kiss on the cheek, after a date, is appropriate. That said, men do like a chase and if you elect to passionately kiss him on a first date — I would recommend stopping there… with one kiss.

The key is to keep him wanting more.

Desire and wanting… it’s “the wanting” what makes all of us feel alive and it’s what keeps men coming back for more.

Also, just for the record, I am a firm believer that the man needs to be the one who initiates… be that a date, a kiss, a commitment or sex.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I would have to say that, yes, generally speaking people in a long term, committed, relationship do. However, if your boyfriend is apprehensive — I don’t feel right about pushing him into going without a condom. (Perhaps he, or someone he knows, had a bad experience?)

As far as why they don’t sell large condoms as often as regular size… I think the answer to that is self evident. If there was as great a demand, they’d offer them because they’d want to sell them. (Stores want to make money after all.) Your boyfriend is not the norm and is (some would say) gifted in this area. 😀 Perhaps they don’t want “small” to “average” guys to feel bad about not being as “gifted”? 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, honestly, I am hard pressed to try to convince someone not to use a condom… Even if there is a small chance of pregnancy (or a STD), there is still a (small) chance. And heaven forbid you should become one of those rare cases, I would not want to feel responsible.

That said, there are tons of places that sell X-Large condoms online. Perhaps you could look into ordering them there? Here are two links:

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wait. Before you do anything you’ll likely regret, my advice would be to sit down and talk to him about the situation in a non-threatening, non accusatory fashion. Explain to him that you know he’s watching porn and ask him if you can watch it with him. Explain to him that you’re unsatisfied with the way things are currently and ask him if he has any ideas on how you two might spice up your sex life, and get things back on track… together.

[Member]

Posts