[kellie]

I also feel horrible about this but he had an suspicion that I was doing simmering wrong or I might leave him for someone else and he was right. He was so scared I was going to leave him and he acted like how I begged i begged him to act for many years, and that’s showing me he loves and appreciates me. It’s cruel of me, but I loved when he acted this way but I felt it as thought it was too late because I’ve found someone else who appreciated me. And I reassured him that I wasn’t going to leave him but I had already been cheating and I continued to cheat after we had that conversation but only that same day, then I broke it off with the other guy. I feel so ashamed of myself for the betrayal. I regret it so much. I was being so selfish to go out with someone else Without talking to my boyfriend first to work things out. But I always brought up what I needed from him several times before and it seems like he doesn’t listen and nothing changes. So I hope this opened his eyes because it did for me.

[kellie]

I just have a few more questions ,sorry for the long post: 😐 not sure if you’ll have answers for me but I really just need someone to listen & share their thoughts since I have no one else to talk to.

Is it possible that I may never know?? Or is it important that I have to know to move on and repair?

What can I do for the guilt of things I didn’t tell him? and feeling bad when he’s treating me good saying that he’d do anything for me and talking about me behind my back to other people of good things about me when I don’t deserve all those kind words because I’ve done him so wrong. maybe I feel this way because he doesn’t know EVERYTHING about my “separate relationship” & leading them both on?But why am I not glad that he isn’t treating me like crap for my mistakes?

How can I get over that not telling him everything is the best or should I be honest about everything? What should I not tell him?

Will treating him the best he deserves get rid of these feelings??

Why do I feel a sense of relief or I just don’t worry about about what I’ve done when our relationship is on the edge or when we argue and I fight for it back?
Is it really important what I all did and try to understand it when I know I won’t do those things again?

I keep trying to explain my mind set of what I want thinking of the time when I was cheating and I keep bringing it up with different theory’s eachtime and everytime I do it makes things worse but I constantly think about those things and it botheres me not knowing what exactly I was thinking when everything was fine with my bf.
I don’t know why but maybe I like the thrill and drama of almost losing it all and I always take my chances with my relationship and always come close to screwing it up when I really don’t mean and want that.

[kellie]

I need to sort out my selfish ways & i agree with you that its about me. I just keep causes me more pain than anyone because hes over it Already and im Not. I really do try to think about WHY, but I honestly don’t know why. Because for a short time I allowed myself to have feelings for someone else but at the same time loved my boyfriend because I just couldn’t leave him. And me not knowing why kills me. I know I won’t do what I did again, but everyone tells me to figure out why and I really don’t have a clue. I have ideas but I’m not sure if that’s the case and they just all sound like excuses. What you’ve said really did help me out,& I really do thank you. But I’m just kind of stuck on this now 🙁

[kellie]

I’m planning on going over seas to school next year, around spring

[kellie]

Thank you for your input!

We had to go the distance because my dad was in the Air Force and we were over seas and so we had to PSC back to the States and in another country is where I met my boyfriend.
Long distance isn’t what I want and it may not be right for me,but he is and I don’t want to break up for that reason. I want to get through the hard times with him and I’m more determined more than ever to make this work. I’m working on being with him again,just the process getting there is really hard.
I’m just scared that ill screw up because I have so much guilt over what I had done and I feel the need to tell him everything that went on to get rid of the Guilt because what I have already told, didn’t help and I’m so selfish for that!! It’s almost like I have no control over my emotions and I’ve looked for advice everrrrrywhere and everyone has no problem with not reading everything and see the words ” I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend ” and judge me right then and there and it makes me feel as though I deserve nothing and that I’m a horrible person AND my relationship will never work out. It damaged me. And it made me lose hope for our relationship even though every relationship is different. I just want to know that my relationship can get through this and relationships do work out when theres infidelity involved and not as rare as people say. 🙁

[Member]

Posts