[ElpGuy]

April,

I wanted to say thank you for your time. I am 28 years old. I can see I do need to do a lot of soul searching on the subject. I am very thankful for your taking the time and giving me the view I was looking for.

[ElpGuy]

I would love to respond back but before I do, I would like to thank you for your response.

Very true and fair enough to look at myself for bad behavior. Her points in arguments against me is that I don’t talk enough. I don’t send her a text in the morning when I am up saying “Good Morning. I love you” or some variation of that. This is correct I usually wake up later in the day (mainly due to a now being treated moderate case of sleep apena). When I do get up I am working on reviewing case work for that day. I do play video games and prior to my relationship with her I was a major computer gamer. I started a business online and majority of my clients were gamers as well. I use it as a “get away” and a “relaxation” tool. In other arguments it is because I do not provide her with the feeling that “I care” or that “I love her”. That previously I was all over her and I was always driving to her house to be with her and that has now changed. This is true I don’t drive to her house as much anymore sometimes I get off work late and am tired and other times I feel personally that she should be able to get in her car and drive. For several weeks my personal car was down and had to be repaired. I had a company vehicle that we are not permitted to use for personal use (can be terminated for it).

At one point I lived in her house. For Thanksgiving I was told to plan on spending it with her and her family and not mine. When I pushed back stating my family wanted us to go there she said no. It ended up being a fight that she said “Either you come with me or you pack your stuff and move.” I did just that packed my stuff and moved out.

I do agree I could be more “loving” in the way she wants. That would make her happy. But then it becomes a chore to do. It wouldn’t be natural. I have had to set an automatic timer on my phone to do my “early morning” text. To avoid that fight. As for the money and getting our ducks in a row… I do have a job. I do live with my parents only because it is cost effective for me. She makes over 70K a year and moving out would pose no problem (Aside from her car she has 0 debt and I on the other hand am doing a bankruptcy filing due to the divorce and medical debts). Aside from the fact she doesn’t “want to move”. She believes that she is going to live close to her father or her sister and doesn’t matter what I say.

To me the challenge of the hair cut is that I don’t like spending 20 minutes in front of a mirror to do my hair. I know for some ladies they would love 20 minutes. For me I don’t. The religion it is something that to me I feel it is her deal breaker and not mine. For me I don’t care about it. What I don’t want to do is have to convert to a religion that I don’t agree with. Although I can tolerate it and live with the differences in the two, I feel personally it is wrong. She disagrees and states it is her dreams.

My view on the relationship is this: I have been with her for 3.5 years. I have survived each fight we have had. From fights where she got physical, to the day after we started dating her watching her ex on a web cam doing some adult activities. I have moved from where I would make twice as much money as I do now. I have worked around the crazyness of expectations (if you make plans with me you better keep them I don’t care if you are helping your elderly grandmother, drive to my house, rub my back all the time, hair has to be done a certain way, etc), it will be my wedding and you will have no say, I will choose my engagement ring, we will have separate checking accounts, and to top it all off after a fight she took back the Christmas presents she gave me. I have loved her and remained faithful. At some point it is time to move on. Yes, I agree with you if I still had no job I would agree marriage is not right now. I was on unemployment for two years while she was finish her masters up. I paid for all the nights out and I paid for the driving to and from her house. I had to give her my car for 3 months because she didn’t trust hers for when she did her fieldwork in a different city. I paid for all the bills (car payment had to add her to my insurance policy, and the oil changes), and when the car broke down I paid for the repairs and her to have a rental car for the the week it took the car to be repaired. At which point does one get to look at life and say “I feel I have done enough to prove myself worthy.”?

Am I a bad person to say “I don’t want to change my religion for you, it is not because I don’t love you but I don’t agree with forcing someone to do something like that?” Or “I feel it is fair that if you want to go shopping and buy an expensive purse, 4 pairs of shoes (not kidding 4 pairs in one day a year ago and they are still in that box), it is fair I get to do the things I like?

Granted I have had my moments. I have done the stupid things in my life and I have done my fair share of wrongs. Though I have never had the position to tell her “change this for me or we won’t be together.”

Her view (as I recall) of the relationship: It has been 3.5 years but I believe that 4 years of dating is great and it will take two years to plan the perfect wedding. When you do the hair style you have then you look like an old man and I don’t like it. You are wasting time and energy playing a stupid game. Yes I buy expensive things but that is because I like them. Being Catholic is what I was raised my whole life and I won’t change that (though I am having sex out of wedlock and I don’t go to church but on important holidays). The wedding is my dream and I have been planning it since I was a little girl. You have no sense of style and yet you think you do. I understand that you feel that the ring is your gift to me but I want something I can show off to everyone and make them jealous. If I am worth marrying to you then making these changes for me is a not hard. If you love me that is then you will do this. No I won’t go to relationship counseling with you because I am not having someone know about our problems.

[Member]

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