[Sandi]

I’ve been dating the previously described new guy for two months. I like him a lot and he describes himself as “smitten” with me. My sister met him and she thinks he’s great. I think he’s great too and could allow myself to become significantly more attached than I already am. I think he wants a serious, exclusive relationship with me, BUT! There is a significant problem, though. Whereas I’d like to remarry one day, he thinks marrying is just for having kids and he’s had an illegitimate child with a woman he’s never married, “so….”

He’s never been married but I was married 20 years. It is too soon to contemplate marrying each other. However, if wants permanent courtship rather than marriage to be his future and I want re-marriage to be my future, should I invest myself in what is and could be an otherwise great relationship?

He won’t admit that he never wants to married, but the view I attributed to him is basically word for word how he’s described his views in the subject.

What do you think?

Thanks!

[Sandi]

I have purchased and started reading “Think and Date Like a Man” and am taking your advice about having sometimes boyfriend work to win me over while I date new guy.

I have been on about 4 dates with new guy and have two upcoming dates this week, but it is still too soon to tell how much potential there is. I still have more feelings for sometimes boyfriend. Sometimes boyfriend is still trying to set up dates, but I am holding off without telling him about new guy.

I just received the following email from sometimes boyfriend. How should I respond?

[i]I tried to see you in Mar (also Feb) but you said you were too busy with Easter and Palm Sunday, etc excuses
The other guy is keeping you too busy for me 🙁
Hope you had a nice wknd.
Duh – obviously I’d like to see you more ( short and long terms)

I didn’t even hear from Sometimes Boyfriend at all this past weekend! I take it that I should not mention that fact to him???

Thanks!

[Sandi]

Thanks – I will definitely follow your advice. I do need clarification though.

When I told sometimes boyfriend I want a commitment, he said he is committed and not seeing anyone else. Do you think in sometimes boyfriend’s mind he IS offering me a commitment then? I told him when we last spoke that I want to be a full fledged, full-time girlfriend as opposed to a sometimes girlfriend, or nothing at all. He said okay to everything I asked.

He kept saying he does not understand what it is that he should do that he hasn’t already done by suggesting that we see each other more often.

So the question is what do I say to sometimes boyfriend when he asks what he can do now to make things right?

[Sandi]

My question is how to handle sometimes boyfriend’s request to set up a new date when I still have new guy to figure out. I managed to cancel plans with sometime boyfriend without telling him about the new guy or breaking up. I really just need time to think things through. I’ve now been on 3 dates with the new guy and I like him. However, 3 dates isn’t really enough to know how much potential there is with new guy.

In the meantime, sometimes boyfriend called me yesterday and we talked for an hour. He wants to set a new time for a visit. If I see sometimes boyfriend, that will definitely confuse things because I still have strong feelings for him. I pretty much explained that to him without telling him about new guy. At first, he just wanted to set up a new date and talk about it then. I told him I want to sort things out first. Then I explained that I told him I was ready for a commitment in the fall, but he wanted to stay with the status quo and called me a sometimes girfriend. I also explained that now, after a year and a half, I can’t continue with the status quo of a sometimes girlfriend. He basicaly said his feelings shifted/intensified over the holidays and he wants to forget about the fall and move forward now. When I told him I don’t want to move forward without commitment, he responded “I’m committed!” and asked what he can do differently to make things right. That’s actually a good question! He could start by telling me he loves me, but the first use of the “L” word is usually in person, not over the phone.

My feelings are 90% sometimes boyfriend, 10% new guy. Without new guy, I’d never have cancelled our plans and would want to try to move forward with sometimes boyfriend with his new found willingness to commit. However, I am hesitant to make additional plans with sometimes boyfriend until I can see how much potential there is with new guy.

I’m confused and want more time to sort things out without jeopardizing either guy.

What should I do?

[Sandi]

Thanks, but he’s always stayed at a hotel because I have a now 13 year old daughter. So the only way I could send a message in advance about intimacy is to state it flat out! In some ways I feel silly because I’ve only had one date with the new guy, but I think the address verification for Valentine’s flowers and booking a big second date to see Seinfeld is a huge good sign even if it is next month.

After pining away for sometime boyfriend for over a year with him refusing to commit to me, I just can’t put a potential good relationship at risk. I mean, I don’t even totally trust sometimes boyfriend. Last Saturday morning he sent me an email telling me he wouldn’t be able to talk on the phone all weekend because he left his phone in his doctor’s coat at work, but I don’t believe it. Still, I don’t want to be unfair and have him drive 5-6 hour each way this weekend (with a reasonable expectation of intimacy) only to find out otherwise once he gets here.

So what should I do since that having to stay at a hotel will not send a message?

Thanks again!

[Sandi]

My “sometimes” boyfriend from out of town still hasn’t mentioned exclusivity, but in fairness has mentioned seeing each other more often. In the absence of a commitment, I went on a date with a new guy last weekend. The new guy has sent me two emails since Saturday night, the second of which said “I know we’re not a couple”, asked to verify my address to send flowers for Valentine’s, and invited me to go see Seinflend when Seinfeld is in town next month.

I haven’t responded to new guy’s second email, but I like him! I intend to say yes. We’ve only been on one casual date and he mentioned we’re not a couple, but I can’t help but think that maybe he would make a commitment in less than a year!

Meanwhile, out of town boyfriend is supposed to visit this weekend. He has to drive 6 hours each way. I want to see him and still care for him, but I’m not comfortable with being intimate with him while the new guy is in the picture.

What should I do about “sometimes” boyfriend’s visit? Even though he’s never sought or made a commitment and I haven’t been with anyone else in the biblical sense, it would seem he should be aware of a change before traveling so far.

Please help! Thanks!

[Member]

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