[scd7131]

April,
That is an EXTREMELY helpful response. Thanks for your advice, it is much appreciated.

[scd7131]

Thanks April and I agree.

So let me split it into two questions:

1 – Is it more likely that her not getting there is a result of my not meeting her needs sexually, or her assertion that she is seemingly not able to let her guard down due to her ex’s past transgressions.

2 – Am I justified in feeling as hurt as I do?

[scd7131]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

I do have a follow up question:
I am really interested in your opinion, especially as a woman, on whether her explanation or my understanding is the more likely to be the root cause.

In my mind, I see this is as being related directly to me. Whether it be my performance in the bedroom, or I don’t turn her on as much as she leads me to believe, or whatever. Taking from your initial answer: I did buy her a vibrator as a surprise and we do use it together on her, I bought her some sexy new things to let her show off her “new” body to me that she (seemed to) love. I focused hard on being a perfect lover including in almost all cases 45 minutes plus of foreplay for her including oral. I ask her what she likes best. I don’t ask her if she is close. I don’t make any big deal out of it, other than to always reassure her we will get there. I am sure to be intimate all around with touching and snuggling. I play the strong man sometimes, the gentle lover sometimes. She responds every time, its obvious by her breathing, her flushed cheeks, etc ( to avoid being graphic). We have been learning each others bodies for many , many years. I did not know she was getting herself there, although I suspected it and was and am still cool with that. She needs it, and I can’t give it to her apparently despite my best efforts. So basically, for whatever reason, and although I have done every single thing I think a man would reasonably do, freely and without pressure and with her guidance but also pushing her a bit to try some new things, it HAS to be me right? Before she told me about her ex, I honestly thought it was “her” thing. This new info has obviously rocked me and now I am going through a very painful period of self re-evaluation (and the relationship itself, and her honesty about the situation, and and and…).

In her mind, as she explains it to me, it is all about her and her own barriers. Her ex was not a great guy and quite honestly doesn’t compare to me well across many levels including being lazy and selfish and eventually a cheater. Which is why she left. We met literally at the very end of her divorce and after they had been separated for a few months, and there were no other men between he and I. But right up until the end she could get there with him – quickly and easily, minimal foreplay (although during foreplay only). She tells me she thinks it is that her trust barriers went up due to his cheating and have simply never come down. She had hundreds of orgasms with him, none with me. The fact that I arrived on the scene right after the cheating then divorce to me makes it obvious the comparison should be between he and I performance-wise or how “into it” she was able to get with him (with far less stimulation apparently) but to her it is evidence that she changed in that time and this is the result. I am not sure I believe her right now. She never before told me about her ex (in this regard) and she didn’t trust me to tell me now – she accidentally let it slip during a conversation and her “oh crap” reaction was really obvious. She never told me she was getting there on her own regularly, almost always the morning after we made love. So I am as inclined to believe she is just telling me that to make me feel better than she is being truly honest which may in fact be that I just don’t have the ability to get her there even though we both agree we have a darn good time in the bedroom. Like maybe I’m good enough to have fun with for a toss in the hay but not “orgasm material”.

You won’t hurt my feelings, just looking for an honest outside perspective.
Thank you

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