[pauliewalnuts]

Yes, I am. In fact, since we started this conversation, I’ve worked on the main complaint she has about me- she thinks I “keep things from” her because I’m absent-minded and forget to tell her things, or I don’t talk about things that aren’t important to me. I started writing those stupid things down in a journal and bringing them up every night and talking to her about them. She seems very happy about that, but I don’t yet know if that will lead to more sex.

[pauliewalnuts]

[quote=”April Masini”]I hear that you don’t want out of the relationship and that you want her to change.

But you didn’t answer my question, which is, are YOU willing to make any changes in your own behavior? I think that’s important for you to know — and for me to know, too, in order to help you as best I can.

In response to your wanting to know how someone who’s passionate in bed doesn’t want sex as much as you want it….. the very true answer is that people are different. She doesn’t have the same sex drive you do. It’s very common for people in a relationship to have different sex drives, or different sex drives at different times in their lives. Lots of things affect a person’s sex drive, and there are as many reasons for her sex drive being different than yours.

I hope that helps!

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I am willing to try some things, but some things have been suggested that I know her well enough to know they won’t work. I never want out of the relationship, nor will I cheat. I just feel like I’m on a starvation diet.
Thanks, anyway, for not attacking me, calling me a liar, etc. like other women have on a different board.

[pauliewalnuts]

[quote=”April Masini”]Got it. Let me ask you a question — do you want to make any changes in the way you do things?

It’s important for you to be honest with yourself. If you don’t want to make any changes, and you merely want to vent about her or the relationship — or to figure out how to exit the relationship, it would be good to know that now.

What do you think?

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No, I don’t want out of the relationship. I’d like to have her compromise a little more, but mostly, I can’t understand how someone who is so passionate in the bed and enjoys it so much wants it so infrequently. It boggles my mind. I guess she’s just content to have quality over quantity.

[pauliewalnuts]

[quote=”April Masini”]What I meant is that sometimes the sex can be just about you. It doesn’t have to be about her. In a couple, sometimes the sex is all about one person, and not the other. Not all the time, but sometimes. That’s what I meant.

Does that help at all?

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Yes, but it takes me a while to reach climax- by then she will have “won” many times anyway. I also don’t think she’d be interested. When we first got married, sometimes if she wasn’t in the mood, she’d give me a HJ. Now, she won’t even do that.

[pauliewalnuts]

April, I’m still not sure I understand exactly what your meaning was when you posted this:

[quote]But the reality is that she may be interested in simply pleasing you, solely because you want sex with her — even if she doesn’t. Make this an option, so that she doesn’t feel that she has to “get there” just because you do. That may take some of the pressure that’s keeping her away from sex, off of it
[/quote]
I think I might know, but I’m not sure.

[pauliewalnuts]

[quote=”April Masini”]That’s too bad. 🙁 Then, I think you have to let her know how important sex is to you. Many women don’t understand that sex in a relationship is a deal breaker for men — if they don’t have it, or it’s not good enough or often enough, they start to feel lacking in their own self esteem, as well as the way they feel about the relationship. And that’s how relationships end. 🙁 If she doesn’t understand that, it would be great for her to have a better comprehension of men — and the importance of sex in a relationship. [/quote]

Believe me, in 14 years of conversations (And even arguments) about sex, she’s been told these things. She just isn’t moved to change anything by them. Why not? She’s getting everything she wants.

[quote=”April Masini”]The other thing I was trying to get across to you is that for her, sex is probably not just about the physical release or the sexual feelings — but it’s about intimacy and being close to someone — and that’s often a foreign language for many men to hear because it’s not how they experience sex.

See if those two tips don’t help things…. and please check in and let me know how things go. 🙂

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April, those things are easily understood by me and always have been. And you can’t judge a book by its category- its about intimacy and being close to me as well. (Along with powerful physical pleasure)

[pauliewalnuts]

[quote]In other words, you’re offering all these “goodies” which are intended to create a sexual experience for hers which is like yours. But the reality is that she may be interested in simply pleasing you, solely because you want sex with her — even if she doesn’t. Make this an option, so that she doesn’t feel that she has to “get there” just because you do. That may take some of the pressure that’s keeping her away from sex, off of it [/quote]

I don’t understand what you’re saying here. Make [i]what[/i] an option? She won’t have sex simply to please me. Its only if and when she feels like it.

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